Treasures in Darkness in the Green Pastures

“A black night seems to make the moon brighter. Purple irises brighten yellow daffodils. And a dark gray Kansas sky makes the wheat look truly golden. So it is with us. It seems that God best displays the brilliance of His grace against the backdrop of our darkest and even blackest moments."—Joni Eareckson Tada.

A couple of weeks ago, one of the dads at my church approached me and said "I have to ask, I've been seeing all of your pictures of you being outdoors and hiking and active, did you find a miracle drug that's caused all of this?" I grinned and told him, "Nope, I am still doped up to my eyeballs, but the Lord is allowing the current combinations of meds to stabilize my symptoms and my body isn't fighting back as much as it was."

This morning, after service, he and his wife approached me and he shared that Lord wanted me to know that "He is leading you through green pastures right now, this is part of His goodness for you". He opened up Psalm 23 and read from it, and shared that he knows the love of a father for a daughter (he has 3) and he knows that God loves me even more. Of course I started crying then (both of them were pretty teary too) and thanked them; it was affirmation of something that I felt the Lord has been trying to convince me of for the past several weeks.

I had brunch with a friend yesterday, and she mentioned how excited and happy she was to see me active and able to plan some of the trips I am planning. I confessed to her that I was excited too, but every single day I had to battle fear that this respite, that this period of feeling better, was going to be taken away. 

One of the biggest treasures that I have discovered in my periods of darkness are the lessons of trusting in Him, despite everything. Those lessons were painful and scary and hard, probably because of my stubbornness and resistance. But by His grace, I have grown to trust Him more and more when faced with challenges.

Never did I think that I would struggle with trusting Him when things are going well. How funny it is to even type that! 

But it's true. I fear this "easy" season because I fear it being taken away. I can trust Him to carry me through hardship and pain. But can I trust Him to carry me through green pastures and still waters? That makes me sad to realize that, because it prevents me from truly enjoying this time of increased health and energy. I am preparing myself, girding myself up for when (if!) this time changes, when symptoms increase and when I'm confined to a house and my bed again. I'm not trusting in His grace to sustain me in that transition and instead depending on myself - this useless and needless future preparation is diminishing my ability to be joyful and fully celebrate this good season. Oh how backwards and twisted is that!?

I opened up Psalm 23 when I got home today and the first verse says this:

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures"

I started laughing. "He makes me…" not "He allows" not "He blesses", but He makes. He knows how stubborn I am, He knows my heart and my fears, and He knows that what I would have thought would have been easy, is not for me. So, He brings people into my life to remind me of His goodness, of His action. He allows my heart and mind to connect the dots, and then sit here and share this revelation with you all…He is making me lie down in His green pastures, despite my protests and reservations.

Oh the goodness of my God! By His grace, may I stop questioning, stop feeling guilty for enjoying being well instead of preparing to feel bad. Just stop. And bask in the glory of Him. Of this current goodness in my life. 

One thing I have come to know of my God - He is faithful. He didn't just show me all of this to point out what I was doing and leave me in the same place. I know He is going to grow me and teach me to trust Him in both the peaks and the valleys. 

"Oh the depths of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!" - Romans 11:33

Ice, Ice, Baby...

Yup, I went there. Because it perfectly describes the day we spent out at the Perito Moreno Glacier in Los Glaciares National Park. It was one of those days that just kept getting better and better with each introduction to what we were doing next.

First look at the glacier…and I thought this was cool

Whoa, even cooler! The Perito Moreno glacier is HUGE. It is one of the three glaciers in Patagonia that is still growing. It's 3 miles wide and rises about 240 feet above the water you see (Lake Argentina).

The glacial lakes created from the melting glacier are so blueish green due to the amount of copper (and other minerals) in the water.

You have a good view here of the rocks and dirt the glacier has picked up as it moves

Crampon time! Crampons are the metal spikes being tied to my friend Erin's show here. They are absolutely required to get a good foothold in the hills of ice we were climbing.

Glacier climbing! (done sans pickax, just a prop to make it look even cooler ;-))

Our guide showing us where NOT to step

Looks like these folks are standing on water, doesn't it? Slightly unnerving.

Our guide mentioned that they have to change up the trail/hike they do about twice a week because the face of the glacier changes that quickly. What was once safe, is now dangerous.

Nothing like a glacier inspired kick line to cap off an amazing hike!

Torres del Paine - my favorite Patagonian hike

I figured I'd start telling the story of my Patagonia adventure with the hike that I liked the most and recap the others in another post later. I also plan to post a detailed gear list/review/make betters to help someone in the future who googles "what the heck am I supposed to pack for Patagonia?" -(I may have been that person 6 months ago and was disappointed by the search results :)).

My favorite hike was in Torres del Paine National Park, Chile.

This was my first view of the towers (lighter gray peaks in the middle). This was taken the day before the hike.

There is a very popular backpacking trail called the "W" (the trail makes a W-ish shape along the base of Torres del Paine). It take 4-5 days to hike the W, and 10-12 days to do the circuit (the W plus going around the back of the towers). Our hike to the base of Torres del Paine was one part of the W, so I am happy to say that I have hiked part of it (and I may have had backpack envy of those doing the full thing, watching these super serious (and also very grungy and tired looking) folks walking around.).

We got to the trailhead at about 10am. The sun was shining and the skies were clear. A huge thrill because the day before had been cold, overcast, and raining. Of course, being I was in Patagonia, my pack still held ALL the layers I would need (we were told that you can experience all four seasons in one day in Patagonia…and we did, multiple times). Out of curiosity, I weighed my pack when I got home - I carried around 13lbs on each of the hikes. Not bad. Water is heavy and I carried 2.5L plus a water bottle.

This leg of the W started out fairly benign for the first mile. And then, bam, uphill city. For over an hour. It was warm and I had too many layers on (layers that were, um, not easy to shed since they were under my pants) and I started overheating on the uphill (like, to the point where I had goosebumps - I hadn't experienced that since my triathlon days). One of the gals was having the same issue and we realized that the pace was just too fast. So we slowed down and that made all the difference! I was super happy to hit the downhill into the refugio (a hostel that backpackers can reserve space at that has showers and bathrooms)…and tried really hard not to think of that downhill being an uphill on the way back (it was an out and back trail).

Ah, downhill, how I love thee (see the trail?)

Smile! You survived that uphill!

My view at the refugio as I crammed a bar and some beef jerky, two hours in and I was already starving!)

After a short rest that was incredibly refreshing, we hit the trail and started through the forest. Our group was fairly quiet. It was chilly now, so the sound of sniffling noses and the clacking of trekking poles was the background music through a dense and beautiful forest. It was at this point, excited that I had been able to muscle through, physically and mentally, a tough beginning, that reality of what I was doing started to hit me. I was in Chile. In Patagonia. On a hike. A hard hike. And I felt good!

My sniffling got a bit louder. I was absolutely overcome with thankfulness that He would allow me this experience. I reflected on how scared and fearful I had been just two years earlier, in so much pain and so scared of what would be in my future. Never did I imagine that God would give me this opportunity.  This was just too big. Too much. Apparently my sniffling had reached such a degree that my friend turned around (we were a bit behind the others) and saw my face and asked if I was okay. And then I totally ugly-cried sob-bawled out "I just can't believe I am here. I was so sick. God is so good to me to allow me to do this." Her response was "well now I am going to cry too!"

It was a good part of that trail, the forest. :)

Coming out of the forest and starting the final uphill to the towers.

I received some wise advice before this hike: "If the uphill starts getting mean, just take a second to pick your head up and look around you again." This was that second…or two ;-). A lovely view of the "awesome" skree field we got to pick our way through and try and avoid being blown over the side.

I was right behind another group and we all cleared the top at the same time and all said the same thing "WOW!"

Group shot - the gal on the left joined our group at the start. Her name is Vivian, she's from Holland, and she was hiking the W in a couple of days BY HERSELF.  It's fun making friends on the trail!

What's a hike without the return of the hiker-surfer-ninja pose?

After hunkering down behind some boulders to shield us from the winds as we ate lunch, we did some photo ops and then headed back down, trying to keep ahead of the storm that was blowing in. The downhill from the base was intense, a lot of focus was required to make sure I had sure footing (because there may or may not have been an almost sheer drop off on one side for a bit…).

By the time we reached the refugio again, the rain layers had been pulled out and we were a quiet bunch again, being tired and starting to get low on water (I drank 3L of water on that hike!). 

Can you see the rainbow? This was during the last 2 miles of the hike. A wonderful reminder of God's faithfulness.

We reached the van that had brought us at about 6:30pm. It was a tired, hungry, and sore group of folks that piled into the van. I can only speak for myself, but besides being tired, hungry, and sore, I felt content, happy, aware of Him, and very much alive. 

It was a good hike.

Don't Cry While You Have Acupuncture Needles In Your Arms and Hands

Backstory - I'm getting acupuncture done once a month in hopes that it will prevent or shorten flares. I had success a couple of months ago when I started flaring and getting acupuncture GREATLY reduced the duration and intensity of the flare. May have been coincidence, but I am all for trying something new - the consistency aspect that is, since I've been getting acupuncture intermittently for several years now.

Main Story-

So I was lying on the table while my Awesome Acupuncturist was doing her needle sticking thing and we were catching up over the last month of activities. We've become friends over the three years I've been going to her and she had just completed her first half-Ironman and I wanted to hear the awesome details of her amazing accomplishment.

She was doing a few extra needles in my arms due to a rough week of nausea and my desire to take as little Zofran as possible (side effect are BLAH). She asked how things were going and I mentioned the fantastic camping trip I went on and the decent hike we took and how it slightly kicked my butt, but not too bad, and I realized I needed to get in better shape for the upcoming Patagonia hike, so I sought the advice and input of a friend at work who is a personal trainer and she gave me homework. Awesome Acupuncturist asked "what was the homework?" and I answered, "the main part is to put a workout schedule together. And that's a really big deal for me because…"

And then I started crying.

When you are laying on your back, with acupuncture needles in your arms and hands and legs and feet (thank God she hadn't put the one in between my eyes yet - that would have HURT!) and you have tears dripping down your face, you can't really wipe them away (moving anything with those needles in sends fiery shocks up and down your limbs)- so that was excellent impetus to control the emotions.

Awesome Acupuncturist just looked at me knowingly (she knows my health history) "you're afraid you won't be able to finish the workouts, aren't you" and I just nodded (giving her a thumbs up was out of the question thanks to Mr. Needle in the base of my thumb and wrist)  She kindly encouraged me and we chatted a bit more, me sniffling as delicately as I could (tears were bad enough, but if my nose had started running!? Gag!), and then she left me for the 45 minutes to rest while the needles did their thing.

I usually take a nap. But this time, this time I spent thinking and praying over my emotional reaction to a spreadsheet.

Fear is so interesting. I feel like I have tackled fear in certain areas and then, before I realize it, it's been lurking in an area I never even thought of.

I just recently (say four-ish months, since going off the Big Bad Liver Killing Med) have been feeling better. I could have attempted to start working out again, but I didn't. I was expecting to get sick again. And I did - a few days here or there, but not prolonged, like the last 4 years have been.

I have about six different workout schedules that I have created over the last four years when I reached an In-Betweens and I never got more than a week or so into them before I would start flaring or something new would pop up. And believe me, these workout schedules are very very gradual - I'm not going out and running 5 miles or swimming 1000 yards or anything like that.

And here I was - afraid. Again. Afraid I would be yet again disappointed by an uncrossed-off workout list. So afraid, that I wasn't even trying anymore.

I thought about my necklace and the verses I have memorized to combat that fear that can well-up so quickly:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" - Psalm 56:-34

Okay, remember that.

I then thought of another verse I was recently reminded of during my bible study a week ago:

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" Exodus 14:14

(Moses told the Israelites this after they headed out and were facing the Red Sea and Pharaoh's chariot army rapidly approaching from behind.)

For me, this verse means quieting my mental voice, so I can hear His. I can toil and moil over things I cannot control. I need to back off, trust in Him, and let Him work out His plan. I want to fight and argue and add 1000 "buts" to anything that comes my way.

Application:

How does this look for this workout schedule that I sent (I honestly hesitated when I hit "send")? It means I focus on taking one day at a time and actively, by His Grace, seek to trust Him. No matter if I can't do the workout that day or days or weeks and no matter if I can do the workout. Regardless of how many excel spreadsheet merged cells (oh yeah) get grayed out, He is still working His plan. He is still fighting for me. I need to be silent before Him, listening to Him, heeding His word, His direction, His instruction.

And to be clear, when I say I need to be silent, it doesn't mean that I stop praying about it, or bringing my hurts and desires to Him. What I mean is my constant  and sometimes subconscious "what-ifing," my "toiling and moiling" needs to stop, needs to be silent, because I can't hear Him over me. As John says in chapter 3:30 "He must increase and I must decrease."

And the finishing note - I got my gait (i.e. how I run) analyzed on Thursday. I ran, they filmed me and gave me exercises to correct some weak muscles that are causing the knee pain I've been having at some recent run attempts. And, the big news. For the first time in THREE YEARS, I bought new running shoes.

It felt great walking out of that store. By His grace, I will trust in Him to be able to use them, and if He has other plans, by His grace, I will trust in Him to give me peace and contentment in His plans.

His will. Not mine.

Board and Batten is DONE!

A year in the making (stenciling, buying supplies, waiting for wall sconces that were on back-order for 4 months)…the stencil/board and batten wall in my bedroom is COMPLETE!

Lessons learned on this project:

1) Board and batten is easier with two people, however, if you have a foam roller and books, you can totally do it with one person
2) When you buy paint two years before you start a project, the paint company will probably change the formula when you finally start using it and need just a little bit more to complete the project. The paint guy at Home Depot will laugh at the picture you show him of how different the two colors look.

Step 1: Stencil. Forever. I wanted to punch the stencil in it's stencil-face at one point.

Purchase two school desks for $10 each from craigslist. Do a happy dance at saving $150 from the ones you were thinking about getting. Do not call desks "vintage" because you will never hear the end of it from your friends who sat in desks like these at school.

Spray paint non-vintage desks

Use a foam roller, books (thank you Tolstoy) and a level to nail the Board into wall. Grumble at builders for stud placement and warped drywall.

Determine spacing of Battens

Use new brad/staple gun and Liquid nails to attach battens. Caulk all trim. Paint. Realize that "Moonrise" two years ago is not the same as "Moonrise" now. Improvise with half gallon of "Silver Leaf"

 Mount brass wall sconces that were ordered in March and arrived in July. Smile at the finished product. Sit on bed and write this blog post :)

The Bench is Finished!!!

It only took me eleven months, but I finally finished the bench for my dining room table.

Last October, my parents came to visit, as one of our planned activities, Dad was going to help me build a bench since I had looked for months and couldn't find something I liked and that was reasonabley priced. I used plans from Ana White's website for the "X-bench." I was excited about these plans because I finally had an excuse to buy a Kreg jig (a Kreg jig allows you to make pocket holes, amongst other things). Both my dad and I had fun trying it out (he had never used one either!).

 Supplies bought!

My miter saw came in very handy!

 Legs!

Almost done... 

Kreg jigging it up...

My dad and I testing out the finished product

Unfinished bench (aww, you can see my old car, Miranda, in the background…memories…)

After testing out several stains, I chose to do a "paint-wash" using Behr's "Ebony" flat paint (sample can). I used a damp cloth to rub on the paint, layering until I had the color I wanted (my dining table is from Restoration Hardware and has that brownish/gray finish and I was trying for something close, but not an exact match).

Paint washing!

The impetus for finally getting the cushions on it was a dinner party I hosted a couple weeks back. I was super excited to use the brand new staple/brad gun I had bought for my board and batten project (pics coming this weekend!) - alas, I couldn't find the staples, and since the guests would be arriving in just an hour or so…I pulled out my handy glue gun and glued the coffee bean sacks I had collected around some cushion inserts. One dinner party down and the cushion is still intact! I may get around to reinforcing it with staples at some point…but with my track record on projects, probably not :). Since several folks have asked, the center coffee bean sack I purchased from a coffee plantation (Kona Joe's) when I was in Kona, Hawaii a couple of years ago and the others are from a local coffee shop that I go to (bags are from Brazil I believe).

The finished bench! 

I am quite pleased with the final product. Total materials cost was about $70 dollars I think…beats the several hundred dollar price tags on the majority of benches I was looking at. Yay for DIY! And a big thanks to my awesome dad, who had a lot of fun laughing at me since I somehow kept getting sawdust in my mouth and eyes and may have been a tad dramatic about it ;-).

Two Months of Maizie

So I've been a dog owner for two months today.

I know a lot of people were surprised I got a dog. I've always been a cat person (Bacon and Eggs are almost 10 years old!). I didn't grow up with dogs. But, for the past year, I have been thinking about getting one. And then, for about 2 months prior to getting Maizie, I was seriously thinking about getting one - desiring the companionship that all my dog owning friends kept talking about.

I fostered an awesome Austrailian cattle dog named Maggie at the end of April that I really liked, but she was 2 years old and had a past and I wasn't sufficiently versed in dog to be able to figure out how to correct some of her behaviors. Plus, she was 45 pounds of muscle that did not want to listen to me and my joints were wicked sore after just two days. She also tried to eat the cats. So, at the advice of my dog-training friend, Abby, I started looking for a smaller dog, and a younger one so it would grow up with cats and hopefully not try to eat them.

I didn't want a puppy. I had heard about how much work they were and I already knew there were going to be some sacrifices to be made in my schedule to accommodate a dog and I didn't think I could shift things around enough to get a puppy.

I ended up with a puppy.

A ~15 week old Yorkie and maybe Border Terrier mix puppy that I named Maizie. A friend shared a picture on Facebook from a local rescue group of her and I thought about it for two weeks and then emailed them. A week and half later, she was in my car, headed to my house.

Good night, puppies are a lot of work. I am now a pro at ducking june bugs at 2am as they dive-bomb me as I tell Maizie to "do your business". I can also duck them pretty well at 3am and 4am too, depending on the day and Maizie's bladder. And sidestep Texas cockroaches that skitter across the deck. And I tackled replacing the broken light fixture out back because the flashlight wasn't cutting it with giving me ample time to duck the bugs.

The Lord knew I needed a dog that was mellow and obedient. Maizie is just that. She has her quirks (apparently, my animals all need to be vocal…she doesn't bark (yay) but she does whine and whine-talk (don't ask me to make the sound, 'cause I probably would, but it would be kinda awkward)). She cracks me up with her clumsiness and cuteness. She's super friendly - loves dogs and people…and the cats (although they would prefer her not being in the house.) And I've gotten more exercise in the past two months than this entire year due to running around with her in the yard and taking her for walks.

So, yeah, I think this dog-owning thing is going to work out. It's been major adjustment for me (just ask my officemate who has put up with my dog drama very sweetly and helpfully, being a dog owner herself - thanks Jaime!), but it's getting easier. And I have amazing, generous friends to help watch her when I have to work long days or weird hours.

Instagram is very familiar with Maizie. And now, you will be as well.  Here's a summary of Two Months of Maizie. Don't pass out from the cuteness.