No Infusion for You!

My rheumatologist was a bit (only a bit) nicer about it than the infamous Soup Nazi above. I sat in the infusion chair two days before I was to leave for Big Bend and backpack about 36 miles. I was starting to feel a bit crummy (joints, feverish, etc) so I was thankful I was getting my infusion before going. I mentioned to my Infusion Nurse that I was on antibiotics for a sinus infection but was halfway through them. She looked at me oddly and asked "but you're going out of town right?" I answered in the affirmative, not worried. I had been on antibiotics two infusions ago and my doctor had been fine with it (the concern about being on antibiotics and getting an infusion, is that the infusion suppresses your immune system pretty drastically, especially at the beginning, and if you still have an infection in your system (i.e. been on the antibiotics for less than half of the duration you are supposed to take them) it can cause the infection to worsen and spread).

Infusion Nurse stated that she would get Rheumo Doc's opinion and went to get him as I settled into my infusion chair. 

Rheumo Doc walked in with a stern look on his face and I cheesy-grinned and batted my eyes (totally true) and told him I was feeling fine (sinus infection -wise) and that I had completed half the round, so I would be hunky-dory-peachy-keen-a-ok to get my infusion (that may have been where I overdid it...).

Rheumo Doc: You're going hiking right?

Me: Yes :cheesy grin:

Rheumo Doc: In the middle of nowhere right?

Me: Yes :cheesy grin:

Rheumo Doc: What if you get sick? The nearest hospital is pretty far away and it's only a small hospital, not well equipped to accommodate the complications that you could have

Me: But you let me get my infusion last time when I was on antibiotics :cheesy grin fades:

Rhemuo Doc: But you weren't going to the middle of nowhere : enter smackdown: :

Rheumo Doc: No infusion for you. You can take extra steroids if you start feeling bad. I just can't take the risk that you'll get sick out there.

Me: Okay, you're my doctor. I submit :attempted smile of understanding:. (there may have been a bit more protesting and him not agreeing before I said that, but we don't need to go into that ;-) ).

Infusion Nurse started rescheduling me for the following week and I was keeping my eyes on the calendar to avoid the sympathetic look I knew she had on her face because I was trying not to cry.

I made it to my car and lost it a bit. I didn't know why I was crying. I was just upset. And that made me think "why am I so upset over this?"

So I sat there thinking and sniffling and started realizing that I was upset because I couldn't control this situation. No amount of manipulation or smiling or assuring had convinced my doctor. I had been counting on getting the infusion to keep me healthy while on my trip. Now I had to tackle this scary thing called backpacking without my security blanket, my "assurance" of good health.

My trust, my feeling of security, was in the infusion, not in the One who provides the infusion.

Ohhhhhhh. :lightbulb moment:

I sat there and started to pray, struggling to say the words because I didn't mean them at first, "Lord, this is not a surprise to You. You are sovereign. You can sustain my health without the infusion. Or you can sustain me if I get sick without my infusion." I repeated this quite a few times over the next few hours as I headed back to work and went about my day.

I asked Him more than once during the day to help my unbelief (Mark 9:24). I spent time praising Him for the blessing I had forgotten, that a medicine existed that helped me and that He allowed that and He allowed my insurance to cover a lot of the cost of it. He was allowing it to help me to where I could even think about going to the middle of nowhere and carrying 37 pounds on my back for miles and miles. 

I texted my friend Irma the news and she replied  (along with some commiserating sympathy), "Another opportunity to see God's providence in your life."

By the time I headed to Bible study that night, the Lord was gracious to give me a peace that no matter how I felt in Big Bend, He would be sustaining me.  I walked into the room where we meet and on the board was the question "How do we understand God's providence?"

Bam. That word, that archaic word, twice within a few hours.

Providence - divine guidance or care

I got a bit giddy and just sat there grinning for a bit. In a matter of a few hours I went from crying tears to not even being concerned about what I had been crying about. 

That's the work of the Lord and how He can change hearts. And how He can show me weak areas in my belief and refine and strengthen them by showing His power in the situation, not mine. I hadn't been aware of how being in control of when I got my infusions helped me to feel better about how I could expect to do health-wise. Now I do. And now I can turn that over to Him.

"God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord" (1 Cor 1:9)

"Praise the Lord, all nations! Extol him, all peoples! For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 117)

Spoiler: The Lord did sustain me in Big Bend, not in exactly the way I thought it would happen, but it did happen and it was awesome. But that's for another post. :)

Treasures in Darkness in the Green Pastures

“A black night seems to make the moon brighter. Purple irises brighten yellow daffodils. And a dark gray Kansas sky makes the wheat look truly golden. So it is with us. It seems that God best displays the brilliance of His grace against the backdrop of our darkest and even blackest moments."—Joni Eareckson Tada.

A couple of weeks ago, one of the dads at my church approached me and said "I have to ask, I've been seeing all of your pictures of you being outdoors and hiking and active, did you find a miracle drug that's caused all of this?" I grinned and told him, "Nope, I am still doped up to my eyeballs, but the Lord is allowing the current combinations of meds to stabilize my symptoms and my body isn't fighting back as much as it was."

This morning, after service, he and his wife approached me and he shared that Lord wanted me to know that "He is leading you through green pastures right now, this is part of His goodness for you". He opened up Psalm 23 and read from it, and shared that he knows the love of a father for a daughter (he has 3) and he knows that God loves me even more. Of course I started crying then (both of them were pretty teary too) and thanked them; it was affirmation of something that I felt the Lord has been trying to convince me of for the past several weeks.

I had brunch with a friend yesterday, and she mentioned how excited and happy she was to see me active and able to plan some of the trips I am planning. I confessed to her that I was excited too, but every single day I had to battle fear that this respite, that this period of feeling better, was going to be taken away. 

One of the biggest treasures that I have discovered in my periods of darkness are the lessons of trusting in Him, despite everything. Those lessons were painful and scary and hard, probably because of my stubbornness and resistance. But by His grace, I have grown to trust Him more and more when faced with challenges.

Never did I think that I would struggle with trusting Him when things are going well. How funny it is to even type that! 

But it's true. I fear this "easy" season because I fear it being taken away. I can trust Him to carry me through hardship and pain. But can I trust Him to carry me through green pastures and still waters? That makes me sad to realize that, because it prevents me from truly enjoying this time of increased health and energy. I am preparing myself, girding myself up for when (if!) this time changes, when symptoms increase and when I'm confined to a house and my bed again. I'm not trusting in His grace to sustain me in that transition and instead depending on myself - this useless and needless future preparation is diminishing my ability to be joyful and fully celebrate this good season. Oh how backwards and twisted is that!?

I opened up Psalm 23 when I got home today and the first verse says this:

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures"

I started laughing. "He makes me…" not "He allows" not "He blesses", but He makes. He knows how stubborn I am, He knows my heart and my fears, and He knows that what I would have thought would have been easy, is not for me. So, He brings people into my life to remind me of His goodness, of His action. He allows my heart and mind to connect the dots, and then sit here and share this revelation with you all…He is making me lie down in His green pastures, despite my protests and reservations.

Oh the goodness of my God! By His grace, may I stop questioning, stop feeling guilty for enjoying being well instead of preparing to feel bad. Just stop. And bask in the glory of Him. Of this current goodness in my life. 

One thing I have come to know of my God - He is faithful. He didn't just show me all of this to point out what I was doing and leave me in the same place. I know He is going to grow me and teach me to trust Him in both the peaks and the valleys. 

"Oh the depths of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgements and how inscrutable his ways!" - Romans 11:33

Ice, Ice, Baby...

Yup, I went there. Because it perfectly describes the day we spent out at the Perito Moreno Glacier in Los Glaciares National Park. It was one of those days that just kept getting better and better with each introduction to what we were doing next.

First look at the glacier…and I thought this was cool

Whoa, even cooler! The Perito Moreno glacier is HUGE. It is one of the three glaciers in Patagonia that is still growing. It's 3 miles wide and rises about 240 feet above the water you see (Lake Argentina).

The glacial lakes created from the melting glacier are so blueish green due to the amount of copper (and other minerals) in the water.

You have a good view here of the rocks and dirt the glacier has picked up as it moves

Crampon time! Crampons are the metal spikes being tied to my friend Erin's show here. They are absolutely required to get a good foothold in the hills of ice we were climbing.

Glacier climbing! (done sans pickax, just a prop to make it look even cooler ;-))

Our guide showing us where NOT to step

Looks like these folks are standing on water, doesn't it? Slightly unnerving.

Our guide mentioned that they have to change up the trail/hike they do about twice a week because the face of the glacier changes that quickly. What was once safe, is now dangerous.

Nothing like a glacier inspired kick line to cap off an amazing hike!

Torres del Paine - my favorite Patagonian hike

I figured I'd start telling the story of my Patagonia adventure with the hike that I liked the most and recap the others in another post later. I also plan to post a detailed gear list/review/make betters to help someone in the future who googles "what the heck am I supposed to pack for Patagonia?" -(I may have been that person 6 months ago and was disappointed by the search results :)).

My favorite hike was in Torres del Paine National Park, Chile.

This was my first view of the towers (lighter gray peaks in the middle). This was taken the day before the hike.

There is a very popular backpacking trail called the "W" (the trail makes a W-ish shape along the base of Torres del Paine). It take 4-5 days to hike the W, and 10-12 days to do the circuit (the W plus going around the back of the towers). Our hike to the base of Torres del Paine was one part of the W, so I am happy to say that I have hiked part of it (and I may have had backpack envy of those doing the full thing, watching these super serious (and also very grungy and tired looking) folks walking around.).

We got to the trailhead at about 10am. The sun was shining and the skies were clear. A huge thrill because the day before had been cold, overcast, and raining. Of course, being I was in Patagonia, my pack still held ALL the layers I would need (we were told that you can experience all four seasons in one day in Patagonia…and we did, multiple times). Out of curiosity, I weighed my pack when I got home - I carried around 13lbs on each of the hikes. Not bad. Water is heavy and I carried 2.5L plus a water bottle.

This leg of the W started out fairly benign for the first mile. And then, bam, uphill city. For over an hour. It was warm and I had too many layers on (layers that were, um, not easy to shed since they were under my pants) and I started overheating on the uphill (like, to the point where I had goosebumps - I hadn't experienced that since my triathlon days). One of the gals was having the same issue and we realized that the pace was just too fast. So we slowed down and that made all the difference! I was super happy to hit the downhill into the refugio (a hostel that backpackers can reserve space at that has showers and bathrooms)…and tried really hard not to think of that downhill being an uphill on the way back (it was an out and back trail).

Ah, downhill, how I love thee (see the trail?)

Smile! You survived that uphill!

My view at the refugio as I crammed a bar and some beef jerky, two hours in and I was already starving!)

After a short rest that was incredibly refreshing, we hit the trail and started through the forest. Our group was fairly quiet. It was chilly now, so the sound of sniffling noses and the clacking of trekking poles was the background music through a dense and beautiful forest. It was at this point, excited that I had been able to muscle through, physically and mentally, a tough beginning, that reality of what I was doing started to hit me. I was in Chile. In Patagonia. On a hike. A hard hike. And I felt good!

My sniffling got a bit louder. I was absolutely overcome with thankfulness that He would allow me this experience. I reflected on how scared and fearful I had been just two years earlier, in so much pain and so scared of what would be in my future. Never did I imagine that God would give me this opportunity.  This was just too big. Too much. Apparently my sniffling had reached such a degree that my friend turned around (we were a bit behind the others) and saw my face and asked if I was okay. And then I totally ugly-cried sob-bawled out "I just can't believe I am here. I was so sick. God is so good to me to allow me to do this." Her response was "well now I am going to cry too!"

It was a good part of that trail, the forest. :)

Coming out of the forest and starting the final uphill to the towers.

I received some wise advice before this hike: "If the uphill starts getting mean, just take a second to pick your head up and look around you again." This was that second…or two ;-). A lovely view of the "awesome" skree field we got to pick our way through and try and avoid being blown over the side.

I was right behind another group and we all cleared the top at the same time and all said the same thing "WOW!"

Group shot - the gal on the left joined our group at the start. Her name is Vivian, she's from Holland, and she was hiking the W in a couple of days BY HERSELF.  It's fun making friends on the trail!

What's a hike without the return of the hiker-surfer-ninja pose?

After hunkering down behind some boulders to shield us from the winds as we ate lunch, we did some photo ops and then headed back down, trying to keep ahead of the storm that was blowing in. The downhill from the base was intense, a lot of focus was required to make sure I had sure footing (because there may or may not have been an almost sheer drop off on one side for a bit…).

By the time we reached the refugio again, the rain layers had been pulled out and we were a quiet bunch again, being tired and starting to get low on water (I drank 3L of water on that hike!). 

Can you see the rainbow? This was during the last 2 miles of the hike. A wonderful reminder of God's faithfulness.

We reached the van that had brought us at about 6:30pm. It was a tired, hungry, and sore group of folks that piled into the van. I can only speak for myself, but besides being tired, hungry, and sore, I felt content, happy, aware of Him, and very much alive. 

It was a good hike.

Don't Cry While You Have Acupuncture Needles In Your Arms and Hands

Backstory - I'm getting acupuncture done once a month in hopes that it will prevent or shorten flares. I had success a couple of months ago when I started flaring and getting acupuncture GREATLY reduced the duration and intensity of the flare. May have been coincidence, but I am all for trying something new - the consistency aspect that is, since I've been getting acupuncture intermittently for several years now.

Main Story-

So I was lying on the table while my Awesome Acupuncturist was doing her needle sticking thing and we were catching up over the last month of activities. We've become friends over the three years I've been going to her and she had just completed her first half-Ironman and I wanted to hear the awesome details of her amazing accomplishment.

She was doing a few extra needles in my arms due to a rough week of nausea and my desire to take as little Zofran as possible (side effect are BLAH). She asked how things were going and I mentioned the fantastic camping trip I went on and the decent hike we took and how it slightly kicked my butt, but not too bad, and I realized I needed to get in better shape for the upcoming Patagonia hike, so I sought the advice and input of a friend at work who is a personal trainer and she gave me homework. Awesome Acupuncturist asked "what was the homework?" and I answered, "the main part is to put a workout schedule together. And that's a really big deal for me because…"

And then I started crying.

When you are laying on your back, with acupuncture needles in your arms and hands and legs and feet (thank God she hadn't put the one in between my eyes yet - that would have HURT!) and you have tears dripping down your face, you can't really wipe them away (moving anything with those needles in sends fiery shocks up and down your limbs)- so that was excellent impetus to control the emotions.

Awesome Acupuncturist just looked at me knowingly (she knows my health history) "you're afraid you won't be able to finish the workouts, aren't you" and I just nodded (giving her a thumbs up was out of the question thanks to Mr. Needle in the base of my thumb and wrist)  She kindly encouraged me and we chatted a bit more, me sniffling as delicately as I could (tears were bad enough, but if my nose had started running!? Gag!), and then she left me for the 45 minutes to rest while the needles did their thing.

I usually take a nap. But this time, this time I spent thinking and praying over my emotional reaction to a spreadsheet.

Fear is so interesting. I feel like I have tackled fear in certain areas and then, before I realize it, it's been lurking in an area I never even thought of.

I just recently (say four-ish months, since going off the Big Bad Liver Killing Med) have been feeling better. I could have attempted to start working out again, but I didn't. I was expecting to get sick again. And I did - a few days here or there, but not prolonged, like the last 4 years have been.

I have about six different workout schedules that I have created over the last four years when I reached an In-Betweens and I never got more than a week or so into them before I would start flaring or something new would pop up. And believe me, these workout schedules are very very gradual - I'm not going out and running 5 miles or swimming 1000 yards or anything like that.

And here I was - afraid. Again. Afraid I would be yet again disappointed by an uncrossed-off workout list. So afraid, that I wasn't even trying anymore.

I thought about my necklace and the verses I have memorized to combat that fear that can well-up so quickly:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" - Psalm 56:-34

Okay, remember that.

I then thought of another verse I was recently reminded of during my bible study a week ago:

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" Exodus 14:14

(Moses told the Israelites this after they headed out and were facing the Red Sea and Pharaoh's chariot army rapidly approaching from behind.)

For me, this verse means quieting my mental voice, so I can hear His. I can toil and moil over things I cannot control. I need to back off, trust in Him, and let Him work out His plan. I want to fight and argue and add 1000 "buts" to anything that comes my way.

Application:

How does this look for this workout schedule that I sent (I honestly hesitated when I hit "send")? It means I focus on taking one day at a time and actively, by His Grace, seek to trust Him. No matter if I can't do the workout that day or days or weeks and no matter if I can do the workout. Regardless of how many excel spreadsheet merged cells (oh yeah) get grayed out, He is still working His plan. He is still fighting for me. I need to be silent before Him, listening to Him, heeding His word, His direction, His instruction.

And to be clear, when I say I need to be silent, it doesn't mean that I stop praying about it, or bringing my hurts and desires to Him. What I mean is my constant  and sometimes subconscious "what-ifing," my "toiling and moiling" needs to stop, needs to be silent, because I can't hear Him over me. As John says in chapter 3:30 "He must increase and I must decrease."

And the finishing note - I got my gait (i.e. how I run) analyzed on Thursday. I ran, they filmed me and gave me exercises to correct some weak muscles that are causing the knee pain I've been having at some recent run attempts. And, the big news. For the first time in THREE YEARS, I bought new running shoes.

It felt great walking out of that store. By His grace, I will trust in Him to be able to use them, and if He has other plans, by His grace, I will trust in Him to give me peace and contentment in His plans.

His will. Not mine.

Board and Batten is DONE!

A year in the making (stenciling, buying supplies, waiting for wall sconces that were on back-order for 4 months)…the stencil/board and batten wall in my bedroom is COMPLETE!

Lessons learned on this project:

1) Board and batten is easier with two people, however, if you have a foam roller and books, you can totally do it with one person
2) When you buy paint two years before you start a project, the paint company will probably change the formula when you finally start using it and need just a little bit more to complete the project. The paint guy at Home Depot will laugh at the picture you show him of how different the two colors look.

Step 1: Stencil. Forever. I wanted to punch the stencil in it's stencil-face at one point.

Purchase two school desks for $10 each from craigslist. Do a happy dance at saving $150 from the ones you were thinking about getting. Do not call desks "vintage" because you will never hear the end of it from your friends who sat in desks like these at school.

Spray paint non-vintage desks

Use a foam roller, books (thank you Tolstoy) and a level to nail the Board into wall. Grumble at builders for stud placement and warped drywall.

Determine spacing of Battens

Use new brad/staple gun and Liquid nails to attach battens. Caulk all trim. Paint. Realize that "Moonrise" two years ago is not the same as "Moonrise" now. Improvise with half gallon of "Silver Leaf"

 Mount brass wall sconces that were ordered in March and arrived in July. Smile at the finished product. Sit on bed and write this blog post :)

The Bench is Finished!!!

It only took me eleven months, but I finally finished the bench for my dining room table.

Last October, my parents came to visit, as one of our planned activities, Dad was going to help me build a bench since I had looked for months and couldn't find something I liked and that was reasonabley priced. I used plans from Ana White's website for the "X-bench." I was excited about these plans because I finally had an excuse to buy a Kreg jig (a Kreg jig allows you to make pocket holes, amongst other things). Both my dad and I had fun trying it out (he had never used one either!).

 Supplies bought!

My miter saw came in very handy!

 Legs!

Almost done... 

Kreg jigging it up...

My dad and I testing out the finished product

Unfinished bench (aww, you can see my old car, Miranda, in the background…memories…)

After testing out several stains, I chose to do a "paint-wash" using Behr's "Ebony" flat paint (sample can). I used a damp cloth to rub on the paint, layering until I had the color I wanted (my dining table is from Restoration Hardware and has that brownish/gray finish and I was trying for something close, but not an exact match).

Paint washing!

The impetus for finally getting the cushions on it was a dinner party I hosted a couple weeks back. I was super excited to use the brand new staple/brad gun I had bought for my board and batten project (pics coming this weekend!) - alas, I couldn't find the staples, and since the guests would be arriving in just an hour or so…I pulled out my handy glue gun and glued the coffee bean sacks I had collected around some cushion inserts. One dinner party down and the cushion is still intact! I may get around to reinforcing it with staples at some point…but with my track record on projects, probably not :). Since several folks have asked, the center coffee bean sack I purchased from a coffee plantation (Kona Joe's) when I was in Kona, Hawaii a couple of years ago and the others are from a local coffee shop that I go to (bags are from Brazil I believe).

The finished bench! 

I am quite pleased with the final product. Total materials cost was about $70 dollars I think…beats the several hundred dollar price tags on the majority of benches I was looking at. Yay for DIY! And a big thanks to my awesome dad, who had a lot of fun laughing at me since I somehow kept getting sawdust in my mouth and eyes and may have been a tad dramatic about it ;-).