Even In This: Thinking about Marley’s Chains
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| http://christmas-specials.wikia.com/wiki/Jacob_Marley |
In order to feel my best on my wedding day (and for the
honeymoon) my doc and I have been shifting my infusion (my IV meds) to make sure I get my
meds fairly close to the wedding date. I usually feel my best during week 2 and
3 after an infusion. In order to do this, I am waiting 5 weeks between
infusions instead of the normal 4 weeks. I have done this in past with various
success – sometimes I am perfectly fine and get surprised when I see that my
infusion is the next day because I feel good and don’t “feel” I need it. Other
times I have counted down the hours until that needle goes in.
My infusion in April was VERY much the latter case. With
wedding planning and some very stressful work weeks, I had been running a fever
close to 100 for almost two weeks. My entire body ached and I had severe
fatigue…I had to get into bed when I got home to relieve my aching joints and
went to sleep even earlier than I normally did.
Surprisingly, I actually felt worse after my April infusion
for a few days, beyond the usual side effects. After having to leave early from
what was supposed to have been an all day class for my biblical counseling
training because I was hurting so bad and needed to sleep, I was feeling pretty
frustrated and discouraged at this thing called autoimmune disease.
As I lay on the couch, amazed at how tired I felt (my limbs
even felt heavy!), for some reason, the picture of Marley, from Dicken’s “A
Christmas Carol” appeared in my mine. I realized that I likened lupus to
Marley’s chains. Marley thumped and bumped and clanged around with his chains.
Mine hold me back, hold me down, prevent me from doing what I want to do (fun
stuff) and even what I need to do (housecleaning, work responsibilities, etc).
These chains limit me.
I lay there for a few minutes, enjoying my dark sense of
humor and relishing a little self-pity (I’m not proud of that, but it happens
so it’s good to fess up J
). And then I (by God’s grace) stopped thinking about myself and thought about
Him and wondered what He would think of my negative image of ‘ol Marley and my
lupus. “There’s got to be a better image I can replace this with…”
I think this image is still in work, but I’ll let you in on
where I am currently and for my own personal record to reflect back on: I
thought of Paul and the “thorn” in his flesh that he refers to. This thorn is
never revealed – lots of people speculate that maybe it was a physical illness
or a speech impediment. We don’t know. What we do know, what the Bible tells
us, is how Paul viewed it.
“…a thorn was given me in the flesh, a
messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three
times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me, But He said
to me ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness.’ Therefore I (Paul) will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I
am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.
For when I am weak, then I am strong”
2
Corinthians 12: 7b-10
There are a few
things that stand out to me in this passage:
1) "To keep me from becoming conceited"
I can be OH SO prideful in what I can accomplish. I love to
do lists, I love controlling those to do lists. I truly believe that having
lupus MAKES me turn those lists over to God. To say “what do YOU want me to
accomplish today?” rather than “What should I accomplish today. I find that
when I am the most frustrated at my disease it is when I am not asking God what
He wants me to do in it.
3) “But He
said to me…” Oh that lovely “but.” God doesn’t leave us without an answer.
He may leave us without the answer we wanted. The silence or inaction that I
perceive is often a wonderful and great display of His love for me. Because He
knows, He knows what I need more than I do. He knows that this trial, this
hardship, is going to grow me in ways I cannot yet see, it is going to show me
more of Him than comfort or ease would. What encouragement! God always has a
“but” for us, we just have to learn, by His grace, to see/hear it.
So the questions I have to ask myself, and, if you’re going
through a prolonged period of trial/hardship/suffering and you’re wondering
why, or you’re so past wearisome, just thinking about it makes you burst into
tears, I hope you ask yourself these questions along with me. Be specific and
write down your answers. Spend some time reflecting on and review them. Have
someone help you answer them if you can’t come up with an answer yourself. God
puts amazing people into our lives, both people who share or don’t share our
beliefs, to help us.
- Am I thinking more of God in this trial than I am of myself?
- How is God using this trial to grow me in my relationship and knowledge of Him?
- What can I be thankful for during this trial?
- When was the last time I shared with someone what God is doing in my life through this trial?
- Where is my hope? Is it in this trial finally ending or in that God is working EVEN in this trial?
I am amazed at how quickly I can forget the truths that I
read, the prayers I pray when I hit a rough patch of disease symptoms. I am
thankful that I feel I more quickly go to Him and think on His words than I
used to, but man, oh man, how often do I have to remind myself, yes Melissa,
EVEN IN THIS, He is working all things for His glory and your good. EVEN IN
THIS.
So EVEN IN THIS, even being frustrated that I often can’t do
what I want to do, I often can’t finish my to-do lists, or visit with the
people that I want, or attend the class I want, or serve in the way I want,
EVEN IN THIS, He is working. He is giving me new areas to focus on, ample time
to pray and lift up people to Him, teaching me to ask for help and admit my
weaknesses.
Here’s to being more aware of Him and His blessings instead
of me and what I call my limitations.
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