Looking for New Mercies
This isn't going to eloquent or smooth, it hurts to search my mind for the right words or to connect thoughts together. In fact, I am typing this mostly with my eyes closed because the words make me dizzy and word proofing will be limited, so please bear with me.
Jim is at church this morning and I'm worshipping at home. He texted me to say that they are singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" this morning, That was the hymn I chose to have sung at our wedding because it reflects so much of what God has done in my life.
I read his words and pulled up the song and started listening to it and the tears started flowing because I am struggling so much with believing in those words That his mercies are new every monring. Every morning I wake up and something has changed. The pressure in my head is different and I have to adjust to a new level of dizziness and nausea while fighting the feeling that my face is going to explode off my skull or that a little steam spout will form at the top of my head. The pain meds muffle the pain so much that my ears feel they need to pop and they can't.
The nerve medicines that are helping to hold back the headache pain have made my extremities numb...my gums are numb - it's a weird sensation.
It's hard to live in a muffled world when I want to experience all the bright and joyous things. To be out from this fog and to live life like normal again.
Normalcy, That's what I want. And it's coming so very slow.
But it's there. Jim set out all the ingredients for me to make pancakes yesterday and on the second attempt (I am having trouble reading lines on a page so I blurred two lines together and add way to much baking powder) and I was able to mix up a batch for him to cook. That's progress.
I made tea by myself too. And I can mostly wash my hair by myself, depending on the time of day and what I've done before.
Those are my achievements right now - just trying to get the basics back down. It's so very humbling and yesterday I found myself standing in the kitchen, trying to get out ingredients to make a sandwich and just began sobbing because I had absolutely no strength left. Jim is a rock and sat me down on the couch and made me my lunch while I blubbered the whole time. I so wanted to do it by myself and ease his burden.
I am going to listen to "Great is Thy Faithfulness" on repeat this morning and ask to see these new mercies. Because my previous blog posts though trials remind me that they are there, that He is faithful.
Dark moments are okay. It's dark today but I look forward to the light and newness tomorrow and will keep telling myself to trust Him that he will provide the strength for each day forward.
I will get better in His perfect timing. My release date from the hospital last week was 8/28 and I spent some considerable time over the past weeks thinking on Romans 8:26-28 (thankful for audio Bibles). This verse and that hymn, going to work on writing this on my heart.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Jim is at church this morning and I'm worshipping at home. He texted me to say that they are singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" this morning, That was the hymn I chose to have sung at our wedding because it reflects so much of what God has done in my life.
I read his words and pulled up the song and started listening to it and the tears started flowing because I am struggling so much with believing in those words That his mercies are new every monring. Every morning I wake up and something has changed. The pressure in my head is different and I have to adjust to a new level of dizziness and nausea while fighting the feeling that my face is going to explode off my skull or that a little steam spout will form at the top of my head. The pain meds muffle the pain so much that my ears feel they need to pop and they can't.
The nerve medicines that are helping to hold back the headache pain have made my extremities numb...my gums are numb - it's a weird sensation.
It's hard to live in a muffled world when I want to experience all the bright and joyous things. To be out from this fog and to live life like normal again.
Normalcy, That's what I want. And it's coming so very slow.
But it's there. Jim set out all the ingredients for me to make pancakes yesterday and on the second attempt (I am having trouble reading lines on a page so I blurred two lines together and add way to much baking powder) and I was able to mix up a batch for him to cook. That's progress.
I made tea by myself too. And I can mostly wash my hair by myself, depending on the time of day and what I've done before.
Those are my achievements right now - just trying to get the basics back down. It's so very humbling and yesterday I found myself standing in the kitchen, trying to get out ingredients to make a sandwich and just began sobbing because I had absolutely no strength left. Jim is a rock and sat me down on the couch and made me my lunch while I blubbered the whole time. I so wanted to do it by myself and ease his burden.
I am going to listen to "Great is Thy Faithfulness" on repeat this morning and ask to see these new mercies. Because my previous blog posts though trials remind me that they are there, that He is faithful.
Dark moments are okay. It's dark today but I look forward to the light and newness tomorrow and will keep telling myself to trust Him that he will provide the strength for each day forward.
I will get better in His perfect timing. My release date from the hospital last week was 8/28 and I spent some considerable time over the past weeks thinking on Romans 8:26-28 (thankful for audio Bibles). This verse and that hymn, going to work on writing this on my heart.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
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