I woke up at 4am this morning. My old back issue has been flaring up lately, so I was uncomfortable. I woke up feeling tired and not rested and hurting. I took out the bible study I am going through with a friend on Genesis and began my study. As I reflected on how He created all, even me, and how He is renewing me every day through His word, and that I am new, I suddenly felt very weary and old.
My not-so-secret wish and prayer has been to feel well on my wedding day and honeymoon, and even in these final days leading up to this long awaited (and prayed for!) ceremony, so that all the details will reflect Him and make our guests feel loved and appreciated (my other prayer has been that this crazy hot weather would relent and not make everyone miserable at the outdoor reception!). I KNOW He is able to make all of this come about. I don't doubt that. But, what keeps coming to mind is how He uses my health struggles to point me to Him. How He has used my health struggles to show others Himself.
I might not feel my best.
I sat there, staring at my journal pages (because, oh the heart toiling and moiling going on required some writing to process!). I realized that I had once again put my desire to feel good as more important than what He wants. He might want me to feel good, and that's how He will be proclaimed. Or He may want my tiredness and hurting to turn me more towards Him, to soften me to those who are attending the wedding also hurting and tired, to make me more compassionate and sensitive to the needs of others.
So after some tears, and some heart-squeezing by Him, I was able to write out, "not my will, but yours." If Jesus wept in the garden before His death asking for what was about to happen (his arrest and death) to pass from him, but offering up the Father's will before His own, I surely, by His grace, can yield my desire to feel well, to His will, to His perfect plan. Because His will allowed Jesus to die, so that He could be raised on the third day and so that I could have my sins washed away and have eternal life with Him.
Oh to wonder and hope at what could He do through my tiredness and hurting to show how wonderful and glorious He is!?
Oh that His will would be so tightly wrapped around me on my wedding day, that everyone will see Him and not me.
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16
Yes, I still am praying for healing (and good weather) and for mercy, but my heart has a peace and contentment it did not have when I first woke up. Whatever happens, He is not absent. He is active. He is aware. And He is being made known.
Dear reader, He is so good and kind to me.