How does one come to terms with the "might-have-beens" and "shoulda-woulda-couldas?"
I've been talking to a couple of gals who have also recently passed that one year milestone, one year since something unexpected and life-altering happened and you're still not where you thought you'd be, normalcy or "new normalcy" as I like to call it, hasn't been obtained. And I found agreement with the feeling of dread as that day approached. And the almost guilty feeling of being sad about what felt lost because, as a believer in Christ, as a follower of Him, I am supposed to remember and know that He is sovereign, and good, and that all things work together for those who love God and have been called by Him (Romans 8:28). And I DO believe that. But it can be hard to remember in dark moments and it doesn't keep the real tears or real feelings from crowding in - tears and feelings that He gave me, gave us - so, how do I process?
I don't know.
I'm still figuring this out, as are my gal-pals in suffering. One thing I know, is to speak truth against the lies and to not entertain the might-have-beens. To give them their time, acknowledge, grieve, and to set them on the shelf and look forward. As all things that you set on a shelf, it can be taken back off, and I have to fight that urge. I have to put something in its place. For me, I am finding that reciting to myself how I have seen Him move - through a friend or doctor, through my husband - to encourage me and remind me that I am not alone and that He is there. I remember where I was and where I am now. I'm finding the cost of choosing joy in this - the laying aside my expectations and goals for progress and re-accepting His. Reminding myself and being reminded by all the lovely friends and family I am surrounded by, that progress continues to be made, and that His timing is perfect, and that I truly have a wonderful life, despite the fact that the past year didn't meet my hopes.
"Weep deeply for the life you hoped for. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have." - John Piper
I've been trying to put together a single post summarizing this past year. It's not going to happen. There's just too many flavors to try and mix into the pot. So, I am going to sit and marvel and share tidbits and musings and hopefully the TRUTHS that He gives me over these next couple of weeks. Remembering, praising, reflecting, and continuing to heal - spirit and body. Because I know there are others walking through hard stuff and feel like me, trying to figure out the balance between grieving and moving forward; giving praise for His gracious sustaining and giving prayer for future hopes and dreams.
And one of those lost days has already been replaced.
Last August 12th, we were supposed to go to Brazos Bend to watch the Perseid Meteor shower, but it was my second night in the hospital. This past Saturday (August 12th), we went to Brazos Bend and watched the shower. We saw a handful in the hours that we were out there (the peak of the shower was way past our bedtime). We sat on the same dock where Jim asked me to be his wife and watched the stars fall. And rejoiced that we could be there.
I am thinking that lost days can be rewritten by choosing joy.