Walls
I've been quiet on this here blog because the past few months have been really hard for me. I felt like I was getting better and then, whammo!, massive stomach and digestive issues that left me vomiting, crying in pain, unable to eat, the whole kit and caboodle. And I didn't know how to handle the change. I thought I had waited and hoped patiently over the past year for healing. The improvement I was making was so painfully slow, but at least it was there. But now this? What seems to be the resurfacing of my stomach issues (attack of the lupus!) from five years ago, but this time with more firepower? Um no.
So I built some walls. I built walls around my heart to protect it from disappointed hopes. I stopped reading my Bible and stopped journaling because my feelings were hurt, by God, and I was mad. I avoided probing questions from sweet friends about how I was doing. I put on a brave face.I felt like a fake - I mean, I write about all the things God teaches me and I love reading and studying my Bible, and here I was, lacking the enthusiasm to even open the covers, let alone read the words on the page. I prayed though. I prayed for Him to help me, to soften me, because at least He was letting me see the hardness I was creating around my heart. And I did ask for prayer from a few friends, but to be honest, it was half-hearted and I didn't think anything was going to change.
About two weeks ago, my eye was caught by a blogpost called - "Dear Bible Study Dropout" and I chuckled cynically, thinking that was kind of like me, except I had pretty much dropped the Bible. I started reading it and the first Scripture reference was this:
"for God does gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self control" - 2 Tim 1:7
Tears started pouring. I mean, we're are talking an instant emotionally response to reading this verse. I shut my computer down and the first time in many days, I opened my bible to that verse and grabbed my journal.
FEAR.
My old buddy fear. I think that's what triggered the heart-valanche. I started writing down all the things I fear now - I fear people judging me because I am different than I used to be. I fear making mistakes in front of people who are used to seeing me at my best. I fear being able to tackle the dreams Jim and I have dreamed because my health is just so bad right now...and that leads to what I think is one of my ultimate fears right now - what if I never get better? What if I am never well enough to do such and such or be such and such?
My fears and my walls have been preventing me from hoping. And when I mustered what I thought was "hope," it was focused on getting well.
What if I don't get well? What does "well" look like? I mean, I bet every person has a different definition of what "wellness" means to them, right?
It's nearing Christmas time, a time when Christians celebrate the coming of Christ, the one who would save the world. A lot of people back then hoped in His coming and His coming looked very very different than what people had in mind. They thought a powerful King was going to come in and save them - to right all the wrongs - to rule with kindness and wisdom and solve all the woes of the world.
And He did - but it wasn't with flashy gold crowns and armadas of armies and putting all the evil into prison...it was by Him dying on a cross.
What the what? How could anything be the more opposite of what people back then were hoping for?
His dying on the cross did EVERYTHING for us. That's a phrase I see a lot in social media these days "that couch is EVERYTHING" or "this new design is EVERYTHING" - I get the intent, but,
The only one or thing who is everything is Jesus.
I am like those people, who back in Jesus' day were staring Him in the face, looking right through Him, and still searching for their savior. Those people who were confronted with all the Old Testament prophecies coming true and yet, because of their expectations of grandeur, couldn't see the King the lowly carpenter born in a stable.
So this hope I have in getting well, how I am looking at it like those people? How am I missing the hope He is giving me because I want to see something else? Do my expectations match with His and if they don't, how do I change that?
The old hymn states "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ, my righteousness."
What does it mean to put my hope in Him? It means that I bring nothing to the table, any strength or bravery or faith I have is what has been given to me by Him. My own efforts and determination, it is all tainted with my sin, my selfish thoughts and sharp words and judgements thought or uttered (Isaiah 64:6). Jesus Christ's death covered my sin and because I believe in Him and have faith that He did that for me, because He loved me so much (John 3:16, Ephesians 2:4-7) He didn't want me to be eternally separated from Him (Romans 6:22-23), I have hope of a future (Philippians 1:6), I have hope that I have His Holy Spirit in me that will give me power, and love, and self-control (2 Tim 1:6-7), I have hope that He will give me wisdom if I ask (James 1:5), I have hope that my sins, all that I have committed and will commit, are forgiven (Romans 5:10, Romans 8:3, ), I have hope that when my troubles are too much for me to bear, the Holy Spirit will pray for me when I can't find words to express my hurting heart and physical pain (Romans 8:26-27), and I have hope that yes indeed, one day I will be healed, that my body will be perfect and there will be no more tears (Romans 8:18, Rev 21:4).
There are so may more hopes (otherwise known as the promises of God).
Those are hopes that will not fail, that can not fail. Isn't that the best definition of hope!?
I will definitely continue to pray for healing, and for my dear friends who suffer and cry out for healing as well, because He is good to grant us things' according to His will and timing. But if my healing on this Earth isn't part of His plan, my hope of it is not unmet - I know HE WILL.
Because He said He would.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.
