Hesed

The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

Yesterday was infusion day. I wasn't feeling great, but was still better than I have been in past months on infusion day. I walked into the infusion room and there was just one other gal sitting in there. I had never seen her before and I know I would have remembered seeing her - she was young, probably my age or a year or two younger. It's usually older people in the room. She looked pretty peppy, but didn't seem interested in conversation as she kept her head down in the book she had brought. I was kinda bummed, because I enjoy visiting with people in the infusion room.

My infusion nurse hooked me up and within about twenty minutes, I started feeling pretty bad. My head felt like a headache was about to start, which I have heard happens to some folks during infusions, but has never happened to me. My head felt thick and fuzzy, like my thoughts were all moving through some thick fluid. Apparently, I fell asleep, because I awoke to the nurse removing the line from my arm. I noticed Peppy-Girl was asleep in her chair as well. I headed to the restroom, a must after getting a liter of saline pumped into you :) and had one of those "yikes, what happened to my face!?" moments when I glanced in the mirror. I looked so tired and pale and sick.

Peppy-Girl and I ended up riding the elevator down to the parking garage together and I noticed she wasn't Peppy-Girl anymore, but Tired-and-Drawn-Girl. She commented to me how tired the infusions make her. I agreed, although, I had never connected my sleepiness during infusions to the drugs themselves, I figured sitting in a comfy big chair and just relaxing was causing me to be sleepy. I had never experienced the physical roughness of an infusion, during the infusion, until today.

My infusions take place up in the medical center in Houston and it's a long drive back to my house...through rush hour traffic, so I usually head over to my friends' who live about ten minutes from my doctors and have dinner with them and their kiddos and wait out the traffic. As I was driving over there, I was overcome by how poorly I was feeling. I got a bit teary-eyed. I pulled into a Starbucks to grab my usual reward for getting an infusion (and a much needed pick-me-up at this point!) As I waited in the drive-thru line, my mind wandered to a chapter I had read recently in some book about a Hebrew word that meant "goodness."

As I drove to my friends' house, I thought about how good the Lord was to allow me to have friends with cute kids to snuggle with after my infusion and good food to eat with them rather than sitting in Houston traffic for over an hour.

I thought about how good the Lord was to be able to have a conversation with Peppy-turned-Tired-Girl  and that we were able to share and sympathize with one another.

I thought how good the Lord was to be able to allow me to feel so poorly, because that meant the drugs that I had just been given were working to make me feel better. That little B-cell killers were waging a war at that moment in my body to push back the crazy Melissa-immune system and calm them down.

And I thought how good the Lord was to allow me to see His goodness, rather than feel sorry for myself or to continue thinking on how I was feeling at that moment.

The mind is a funny thing. Because that entire drive - to my friends house and home again - I couldn't think of the actual Hebrew word. It took me fifteen minutes to finally find it (I'm reading too many books at the same time right now). The word is "hesed" and it is the Hebrew word for "goodness." How wonderful and funny - that in the moment when I very much needed to remember His goodness, my mind called up a memory of reading about the Hebrew word for goodness.

Wonderful and funny, yes. But also, just another example of His hesed towards me.

Playing with these cute kids in their fort before dinner :)

Gluten-free, almost dairy-free, Pumpkin Muffins

So, I've updated my Pumpkin Bread/Muffin recipe to make gluten-free and almost dairy-free (still has butter in it, you could use shortening instead and make it completely dairy-free) muffins

Pumpkin Muffins - gluten-free and almost dairy-free
Sift together:
1 3/4 C. gluten-free multi-purpose flour (I used King Arthur Flour)
1/4 tsp xantham gum for every 1c gf flour used
1/4tsp double acting baking powder (can substitute gf baking powder)
1 tsp baking soda (can substitute gf baking soda)
1 tsp salt
rounded 1/2 tsp cinnamon
rounded 1/4 tsp nutmeg
rounded 1/4tsp ginger

Preheat over to 350F.


In a bowl, beat 2/3 c brown sugar, 2/3c white sugar, 1/3c butter, and 2 eggs.
Add and beat in 1 c canned pumpkin

Add the dry ingredients to the bowl alternately with 1/3 c almond milk, 1/2 tsp vanilla. Beat only enough to make sure flour mixture/milk is mixed in- don't over beat.

Place batter in aluminum muffin cups (muffins will stick if you use just paper cups) and bake ~28 minutes - time varies depending on how full the cups are so keep an eye on them. Cool on wire rack. Eat fresh or freeze (see update below on freezing).

**Update** These also froze and thawed really well. I had them in the freezer for about 3 weeks and they still tasted great! 

Turkey - final post - Hot air balloons and Turkish baths

We hopped on an early flight to Kayseri, which is in central Turkey. Our shuttle bus picked us up and an hour and half later we were in Goreme, our faces pressed against the windows of the bus as it careened up twisty streets that wound their way amongst houses and shops carved into these strange, other-worldy rock formations called "fairy chimneys." Cappadocia (pronounced "cappa-doh-kia") has been on my places to visit list since I read a book about The Silk Road and the traveler writer had wondered through the canyons and valleys filled with these rock formations. After googling images, I was sold. "1000 Places to See Before You Die" introduces Cappadocia as "For those who think they've seen everything, think again."

 Cappadocia

We stayed in a cave hotel that was recommended by our friend Kelly. The proprietor, Hanife, was super friendly and helpful - she gave us restaurant recommendations, hiking options, and vouchers to the Turkish bath (more on that later :) ). We headed out for a walk to the Goreme Open Air Museum. This area is really hilly, so it was actually a pretty good workout walking up to this place. These dwellings housed Christians who were being persecuted in the 800-1100AD timeframe. Paintings are still vivid on the stone walls and the kitchen room walls are stilled stained black with smoke residue.

Goreme Open Air Museum

After the open air museum, we headed to the Turkish bath. We had both done some research and talked with some fellow travelers to make sure we had the etiquette down for the baths and decided we wanted to experience this thing called the hamaam, or Turkish bath. We opted for the standard bath and added on an oil massage.

We headed down the marble steps, rolling our eyes good-naturedly at the Turkish man who tried to convince us to go down the other set of stairs to the men's section. Two women greeted us, gave us a wrap, and ushered us to the changing rooms. Wrap securely in place and our locker keys fastened on our wrists with a rubber bracelet, we were directed to some cushiony chairs, our faces slathered with a seaweed/mud facial and given a glass of tea. We then were taken to the sauna and baked in there for 15 minutes before heading to the showers and rinsing off. The next stop, and the whole point of this, was the bath room. A white and gray marble domed room with a raised circular platform in the center. Three Turkish women stood smiling, ready for their next victims, bathers. I had to point to my shins, which had gotten a bit sunburned at the beach and told the lady "ouch, soft?" She nodded in understanding.

This is pretty much what the bath room looked like

Bath-lady then proceeded to put two scouring mitts on her hands and scrubbed me down. I had read that some folks thought this was a bit uncomfortable, but it felt just like those sugar/salt scrubs that you can get done at spas. I was rinsed off and then drowned in a bunch of soap bubbles as the next step began. This step was pretty awesome because they massage you as they wash, and my poor feet and calves were super tight from all the hiking/walking we had been doing. Another rinse, I was handed my wrap and directed to the showers to shampoo my hair. There was a swimming pool that we were supposed to relax in. It was really cold, so a quick dip was all we did and then it was off to another steam room and then to the oil massage, where Helga the Torturer proceeded to pummel me for ten minutes. And that folks, is the Turkish bath. Although slightly awkward, it was definitely worth the experience and I would do it again :)

We woke up super early the next morning to catch our van to...our hot air balloon ride! This is the must-do activity in Cappadocia - what better way to see the eerie rock formations than from the air...at sunrise!

We pulled up to the launch site and watched as the balloons were filled. I remembered going to the hot air ballon festivals as a kid and seeing this happen, but this time, I got to go up in one! After some brief safety instructions and a practice run at taking our landing positions, we all climbed into the basket (there are no doors, so it's up and over into your little cubby that holds 4 people, 20 people total in the basket). I had been nervous about this ride because I am not a fan of heights, but as soon as the basket lifted off of the ground, I thought "oh, this is going to be so amazing." Balloon flight is so smooth because you are part of the air. The flight was about an hour and was just awesome. It was so peaceful, just drinking in the beauty of the impossible landscape below. So glad I was able to do this!

In our balloon and ready for our flight!

The sun's rays just beginning to touch the canyons

Pillars of stone

So many balloons - this doesn't capture all of the ones in the air

Wow

After our balloon ride, we went on a 7km hike with a guide through the Ilhara Gorge, the deepest gorge in Turkey. Both Erin and I thought it was a really pretty hike, but honestly, it really felt like hiking around in northern Arizona, so I think I would pick a different hike next time with more unusual scenery. Still it was a great (long, tiring :) ) day.

Ilhara Gorge

We flew back to Istanbul the next day and did our souvenir shopping in the bazaars - I have some pretty entertaining stories about our shopping experiences, but they are too long to blog, so you will have to ask me in person. :)

Turkey was all I had hoped it would be.  I felt healthy and strong and had so much fun. Thankful to be able to travel, to have Him allow me to recognize that it is because of His grace that I can, and amazed by the wondrous things that He has created.

Turkey - part 2 - Izmir and Ephesus

So as I stated before in my previous post, Izmir was not what we had expected. For one, somehow we had thought there would be beaches (we had planned to have at least one relax-on-the-beach day). Izmir was all browns and grays, dusty and hot and the water was completely surrounded with a dirty gray concrete wall. No beach. And the water looked odd. I don't know how to describe it, but every time I looked out over the water, I felt unsettled. Even this photo weirds me out...

Creepy water

So about 15 minutes after getting to our hotel, we sat on our beds, munching on trail mix and utilizing the free wi-fi to plan a short day trip to to Chios, a Greek island off the coast of Turkey. The coast was about an hour bus ride away, so we made our plans, looked up a Lonely Planet recommended restaurant, and headed out to eat.

Our best seafood meal - seabass stuffed with a Turkish cheese and grilled prawns. After thinking we had annoyed the owner with our attempts at Turkish, he ended up offering us tea on the house, so maybe his annoyed face was really an amused one?

The next morning, we woke up super early, took a taxi to the bus terminal, managed to find a bus heading to Cesme (where we were supposed to catch the ferry to Chios) and off we went.

Unfortunately the bus made more stops than we realized, and soon, we were glancing at the time every 15 seconds, willing the bus to move faster. We reached the town of Cesme, but not the ferry terminal and since we had about 9 minutes until the ferry left, we hopped off, haggled with another taxi, and zoomed away to the ferry terminal. We literally ran up to the terminal as I was pulling up our reservations on the my phone. A guy told us we had to have actual tickets and pointed us to the ticket desk...which was closed.   Turns out, we had needed to be there 20 minutes prior to the ferry leaving, not 5.

The ferry pulling away from the dock without us :(

Bummed, yet still laughing about our whirlwind trek to the ferry terminal, we walked into the town, which was very cute and stereotypically Mediterranean, got some recommendations on local beaches, haggled for some beach towels, grabbed a minibus, and headed to this beach for the day:

Gorgeous weather! The water was a bit chilly for me, so I mostly camped out on my lawn chair for 6 hours and read a really good book :)

Now pros at the bus system, we headed back to Izmir and awoke for an early morning walk to the train station to catch our train to Selchuk (about 1.5 hour away) to meet our tour guide for...Ephesus!

We booked the Ephesus tour through this really great Australian company called No Frills Tours. When we walked into the tour office, Erin recognized one of the couples there as being from her church, and I recognized a couple I had made friends with in the Izmir airport who were from Dallas. So our group of 6 Texans and 2 Australians was pretty chatty and friendly the whole time, which thrilled our tour guide (who was also chatty and friendly) and made for a great day!

The amphitheater in Ephesus

The library in Ephesus

Gateway from the library to the agora (marketplace/meeting place)

Terrace houses that they are still uncovering - mosaics, painting, and 1500 year old indoor plumbing still intact! Only about 3% of Ephesus has been uncovered...can you imagine what the place will look like 50-100 years if the archaeological efforts continued to be funded!?

Ephesus was incredible and was the place I was most looking forward to seeing on this trip. To think I walked along streets that Paul walked on, in the city he taught in...wow. So thankful and amazed to have seen part of the Bible come to life.

Turkey! - Part One

Why Turkey?

It's a place that has been on my "to visit" list since at least 2006 (I made it public knowledge with a "5 Places" post in 2008 :)), but how did it get on my list?

It's not what you think.

No, really, it's not.

What caught my attention, what set that bit in my brain of "oh my goodness, I want to go there!"...was a picture of...shoes. Yup, you got it. Shoes. Rows and rows of brightly colored and sequined shoes for sale in the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul. Something like this:

I know, I know, I am incredibly deep. Be amazed.

Insert eyeroll at myself.

I was in Heathrow airport in 2006, trying to stay awake through a long layover before catching my flight to Prague and I went into a bookstore. There was the travel section. There was the book with the picture of the shoes, and the title was "Istanbul."

Thankfully, shoes are not the only reason I went - as my knowledge of Turkey has grown over the years through reading books on the Silk Road and Turkey's history, taking an Ancient Church History class, and studying Ephesians.

This country did not disappoint. Vibrant culture, hospitable people, delicious food, the ability to push me outside of my comfort zone with some interesting travel adventures. It was an absolutely amazing trip and I am so thankful that the Lord has sustained my health both before and during the trip. I felt really good and for the first time in over a year, I felt strong.

Boarding pass to Istanbul, check!

My awesome friend and travel buddy, Erin, and I flew into Istanbul. Passport control was an exercise in patience, as we stood in line for about 3 hours to get our visas and our passports stamped. After catching the metro to the area our hotel was in and then rolling our suitcases around (you'll be proud, I only took a carry-on size suitcase - it weighed 24lbs!) to find the hotel, we only had time to wander down the street, grab some tasty Turkish food for a meal, and then crash for the night.

We only had one full day in Istanbul before our next flight, so we hit the main sights - the Blue Mosque, Aya Sofya, a boat cruise on the Bospohorus river. Lots of walking around Istanbul and just soaking in the different culture, tasty treats (um, halva, fig, and Turkish Delight munching while strolling through the park around Topkapi Palace? Yes please!)

The Blue Mosque (top) and the Aya Sofya (bottom)

The Bosphorous boat cruise was a bit longer than we planned. The boat ended up stopping at the far end of the cruise, in a little nothing-to-see village for almost 3 hours. We made the best of our time there and hiked up (literally up...not sure what the grade was on this hill, but both our calves were burning by the end!) this massive hill to a castle. The castle wasn't impressive, but the panoramic view of the Bosphorus was. It was pretty hot, so we cooled off with some pistachio ice cream and apple tea and enjoyed the view. The boat cruise ended just at sunset and I made the best attempt I could of capturing the minaret silhouettes.

The next morning, we woke up early, checked out the Spice Bazaar and made mental notes of what to buy (we decided against lugging a bunch of stuff around and planned to come back before our flight home), and headed to the airport to fly to Izmir.

The Izmir leg started out a bit rough for me...despite taking my motion sickness meds, the descent was full of dutch-roll, and I high-tailed it to the bathroom after landed...and now I can add another country to my "places I have yakked"list.  Thankfully, the stomach settled after sipping on a can of Sprite I managed to find in the airport and I handled the bus ride to the hotel just fine.

Izmir was not what I expected. But I will save that for part two...

One year later...musings and summation

I realized this past week that it has been exactly one year since some tests results showed my innards were all torn up, cause unknown. A whole year. It seems longer than that, not because time has dragged, but because of all I have learned and how I have grown over that time.

The stomach pain is oh so much better theses days! Some days, it's not even there. On the worst days, it's still not comparable to what last fall was like.  I still take a strong daily pain med, but recently got a prescription that will allow me to attempt reducing the dosage. A missed prescription refill a couple of months ago quickly showed me that I can't go completely off the pain med yet, but here's hoping to reduce the amount I need to keep the pain under the "noticeable" threshold. Baby steps! (Still no smoking gun on the cause, but I've got a theory that's soon to be tested and of course, the lupus is a major suspect).

I seem to be responding well to the Benlysta and I feel that my lupus is more controlled than it was a year ago. In fact, :exciting news: I have reduced the dosage of one of my immuno-supressive meds by half! It's taken eight months to slowly reduce it to see how my body reacts, but so far, doing pretty well. I say pretty well, because I tried the next step of reduction recently, and my body didn't like that, so waiting for this minor flare-up to settle and to just stick to my current dosage for now. I am ridiculously excited to not be taking such a mega dose of this medicine, so praise God for progress! :)

While predictability has been such a welcome reprieve, I continue to take one day at a time because things do go wonky from time to time and I think "whoa, what happened here?" It's a reminder that this thing called lupus and autoimmune diseases are not predictable and oh-so-sensitive to...pretty much everything :). And a reminder to not put my trust in patterns or predictability.

In my mind, the most impacting result of this last year, is the still and quiet place that the Lord has grown in me. That, my friends, is the most amazing, wonderful thing that has happened to this gal who always read the verse "gentle and quiet spirit" (1 Peter 3:3-4)  or "be still" (Psalm 46:10) and threw her hands up, knowing that her crazy, energetic, fast-talking personality would never allow her to be that way.  I've learned that quiet and stillness isn't a reflection of personality or physical action. It doesn't mean I sit there and do nothing, or never talk (pretty sure pigs will fly when that happens :) ) but it means that when things are crazy around me, when my sense of control (yes, it is a "sense") is lost, there is a deep-rooted center in me that is calm, still, and quiet. Waiting. Ears and heart open to the Teaching that is to come. To the Discipline that is to be learn. To the Love that is to be experienced.

Yes, there are still moments where I think, "hmm, maybe I was mistaken", when my thoughts and heart are all a-thunder with doubts and frustrations. And let's face it, gentleness is still a work in progress. But He brings me back. He "calms the raging storm." He is my quietness and my stillness, forged from a trust in Him that He has grown in me.  Oh, how I sought for this and tried to make it happen on my own terms (hello December, January, and February), but He has taught me, yet again, that His ways are better and His timing perfect. Nothing that I could accomplish, but only Him.

Do I wish this last year had been different? YES. A resounding YES complete with blinky font and lights. I despise pain, suffering, feeling miserable, and the isolation that all of that sometimes brings. But, I can honestly say that I don't know how else I could have been pulled so far out of myself, so completely stripped and made raw, for Him to do the refining work and instructing He needed to, without the events of this past year. So, I wouldn't change it (I may try to blot it out from time to time ;-) ), but I wouldn't change it. What grace.

Summation

Stripped

Red, raw, bleeding

Endless flowing tears and pain unceasing

Aching, groaning, ripping, tearing

Floundering...flailing...

crawling, grasping

broken, arms thrown, surrender

Waiting

Tugging, closing, wounds stitched together

Presence, soothing

listening, seeds planted, growing

roots deepen

Breathing, resting

steadiness reborn, stronger

coolness, quiet, beauty from ashes

Him, not me

What grace.

Fun reading books

I've been busy with some house projects and vacation (a vacation that didn't allow a lot of time for reading!) but I managed to tackle these three fiction books that I definitely recommend:

1. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

While sitting in the movie theater, about to watch Star Trek Into Darkness, the trailer for "Ender's Game" played...and I turned to my friends and said "now that looks like a GREAT movie." They stared at me and about three of them said at the same time, "You've never read the book!?" So, of course, I borrowed the book from one of them and seriously cannot believe I have never read it before now.

The first 30-50 pages were a bit disturbing for me...it's Earth after aliens attack and kiddos are being genetically engineered to be soldiers. And six year olds talk like soldiers...not exactly the type of language (both in word and content) that you would expect coming from a little kid, so that bothered me a bit...but by about page 50, something changed and I couldn't put the book down (I read it in one evening). I found out later it is required reading for the United States Marines...and I understand why. The book is all about military strategy, loyalty, calmness in the face of adversity, and clarity during high  pressure situations. Don't want to say too much, because that will give some things away. Just know, it's fun, unexpected, and a great read. Go read it before the movie comes out!

2. Autumn in Esereth, (The Esereth Chronicles, Volume 1) by Molly Meyer-Allyn

This book was a surprise. A mixture of space (and in a way, time) travel, medieval practices, and aliens. And it's a mix that works. I sped through the last pages...only to find a cliffhanger and desperately hoping the author is already printing out the second book! Without revealing too much,  Sara finds a book, and with a flash of light, her entire life and world is changed. Finding herself in the middle of an imminent civil war, Sara must determine her role, discern between the perspectives of the warring sides, and make a choice that is brutal in its finality. The character development is vibrant at times. Balu, a young boy who befriends Sara, and Hecate, the mysterious healer, practically leap off the pages with their endearing and quirky personalities, I could honestly see them in my mind. This is a fun read that touches on some deep philosophical questions regarding human nature and our purpose. Looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds.

3. 100 Cupboards by N.D. Wilson

This book is wonderful. If you loved using your imagination as a kid, you will love this book. If you always wished you had an imagination, you will love this book. Twelve-year old Henry has to spend the summer with relatives in a house that isn't all what it seems. On his first night there, he discovers a wall filled with cupboard doors...but what are they? Or rather...where do they lead to? This book is down-right fun! I laughed out loud, remembered what it was like to be a kid on adventures, and got completely drawn into the story. The conversations between the characters are so vivid and real, I felt like I was standing by them watching their interaction. This is the first book in a three-part series and I cannot wait to start on the second one!