No Infusion for You!

My rheumatologist was a bit (only a bit) nicer about it than the infamous Soup Nazi above. I sat in the infusion chair two days before I was to leave for Big Bend and backpack about 36 miles. I was starting to feel a bit crummy (joints, feverish, etc) so I was thankful I was getting my infusion before going. I mentioned to my Infusion Nurse that I was on antibiotics for a sinus infection but was halfway through them. She looked at me oddly and asked "but you're going out of town right?" I answered in the affirmative, not worried. I had been on antibiotics two infusions ago and my doctor had been fine with it (the concern about being on antibiotics and getting an infusion, is that the infusion suppresses your immune system pretty drastically, especially at the beginning, and if you still have an infection in your system (i.e. been on the antibiotics for less than half of the duration you are supposed to take them) it can cause the infection to worsen and spread).

Infusion Nurse stated that she would get Rheumo Doc's opinion and went to get him as I settled into my infusion chair. 

Rheumo Doc walked in with a stern look on his face and I cheesy-grinned and batted my eyes (totally true) and told him I was feeling fine (sinus infection -wise) and that I had completed half the round, so I would be hunky-dory-peachy-keen-a-ok to get my infusion (that may have been where I overdid it...).

Rheumo Doc: You're going hiking right?

Me: Yes :cheesy grin:

Rheumo Doc: In the middle of nowhere right?

Me: Yes :cheesy grin:

Rheumo Doc: What if you get sick? The nearest hospital is pretty far away and it's only a small hospital, not well equipped to accommodate the complications that you could have

Me: But you let me get my infusion last time when I was on antibiotics :cheesy grin fades:

Rhemuo Doc: But you weren't going to the middle of nowhere : enter smackdown: :

Rheumo Doc: No infusion for you. You can take extra steroids if you start feeling bad. I just can't take the risk that you'll get sick out there.

Me: Okay, you're my doctor. I submit :attempted smile of understanding:. (there may have been a bit more protesting and him not agreeing before I said that, but we don't need to go into that ;-) ).

Infusion Nurse started rescheduling me for the following week and I was keeping my eyes on the calendar to avoid the sympathetic look I knew she had on her face because I was trying not to cry.

I made it to my car and lost it a bit. I didn't know why I was crying. I was just upset. And that made me think "why am I so upset over this?"

So I sat there thinking and sniffling and started realizing that I was upset because I couldn't control this situation. No amount of manipulation or smiling or assuring had convinced my doctor. I had been counting on getting the infusion to keep me healthy while on my trip. Now I had to tackle this scary thing called backpacking without my security blanket, my "assurance" of good health.

My trust, my feeling of security, was in the infusion, not in the One who provides the infusion.

Ohhhhhhh. :lightbulb moment:

I sat there and started to pray, struggling to say the words because I didn't mean them at first, "Lord, this is not a surprise to You. You are sovereign. You can sustain my health without the infusion. Or you can sustain me if I get sick without my infusion." I repeated this quite a few times over the next few hours as I headed back to work and went about my day.

I asked Him more than once during the day to help my unbelief (Mark 9:24). I spent time praising Him for the blessing I had forgotten, that a medicine existed that helped me and that He allowed that and He allowed my insurance to cover a lot of the cost of it. He was allowing it to help me to where I could even think about going to the middle of nowhere and carrying 37 pounds on my back for miles and miles. 

I texted my friend Irma the news and she replied  (along with some commiserating sympathy), "Another opportunity to see God's providence in your life."

By the time I headed to Bible study that night, the Lord was gracious to give me a peace that no matter how I felt in Big Bend, He would be sustaining me.  I walked into the room where we meet and on the board was the question "How do we understand God's providence?"

Bam. That word, that archaic word, twice within a few hours.

Providence - divine guidance or care

I got a bit giddy and just sat there grinning for a bit. In a matter of a few hours I went from crying tears to not even being concerned about what I had been crying about. 

That's the work of the Lord and how He can change hearts. And how He can show me weak areas in my belief and refine and strengthen them by showing His power in the situation, not mine. I hadn't been aware of how being in control of when I got my infusions helped me to feel better about how I could expect to do health-wise. Now I do. And now I can turn that over to Him.

"God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord" (1 Cor 1:9)

"Praise the Lord, all nations! Extol him, all peoples! For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord! (Psalm 117)

Spoiler: The Lord did sustain me in Big Bend, not in exactly the way I thought it would happen, but it did happen and it was awesome. But that's for another post. :)