Eruption at Volcanoes National Park

Did that get your attention (were you thinking - lava, fire, Melissa had to run for her life, what!?) :) ? No, it wasn't a volcanic eruption, but rather an eruption of memories during the hike my friend Erin and I did at Volcanoes National Park.

First off, I was so thrilled to go to this park. I've been fascinated with volcanoes since I was about 10 years old when I watched a documentary on the eruption of Vesuvius and the destruction of Pompeii. I've read books on the Mount St. Helen's eruption and Krakatoa. I think I seriously could consider being a volcanologist as a second career choice - that's how interesting I find volcanoes.

Anyhow, Erin and I started our trek by doing a 4 mile hike across one of the inactive craters. I enjoy hiking and was so thankful for the new pain medication that was tempering my joint pain sufficiently to where I could do this hike (it was a very low key hike, no crazy steep grades or climbing or anything like that - three doses of the pain meds throughout the day kept me fairly comfy).

When we stopped to eat lunch, I pulled out the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had made, bit into it, and my eyes flooded with tears. All at once, I remembered my grandparents and how they taught me about hiking. (Most of you will remember that I lost my Grandpa and Grandma last year suddenly, within a week of each other, and I was with my Grandma when she died. And that I had a great relationship with them. I'm still working through the emotions of how much I miss writing to them, getting their letters, and catching up over coffee when I visit Arizona).

My Grandma knew a TON about Arizona plants and wildlife and because she also took several classes in archaeology and participated in digs, she knew a lot about history, geology, etc. So hikes were actually teaching sessions for us grandkids. We learned the names of plants, types of rocks, what plants you could eat, hiking etiquette, the dos and don'ts of going to the bathroom on the trails, drink lots of water and eat oranges, etc. And we always had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and drank water out of repurposed syrup bottles (gotta love the Depression generation, they reuse EVERYTHING!). So when I bit into that sandwich, an image of a syrup water bottle popped up...and then every single memory I have of them on all the hikes we took as kids and into my adulthood literally flooded my mind and I couldn't see the crater in front of me anymore, only them. And I sat there, sniffling into my sandwich and trying not to burst out sobbing as I was again struck by how much I miss them. 

For the remainder of the hike, I found myself praying and thanking God for the relationship I had with my grandparents, for what they taught me, and actually glad that I missed them - because that means I loved them, and they loved me, and we had a relationship - and I am so very thankful to be able say that.

Volcanoes National Park was my favorite part about my vacation. God used it to heal me a bit more over the loss of my grandparents - what an unexpected blessing!

So thank you Lord, for the opportunity to remember my grandparents in such a good way on my trip and to allow my heart to heal a bit more.

Ligonier Conference recap

Ack - this is major blog catch-up.

At the beginning of May I went to the Ligonier Regional Conference here in Houston. The topic was "One Passion" and through several sermons, the speakers, Sinclair Ferguson and Steve Lawson, spoke about having one passion for God and how that looks in different areas: worship,  the Bible, work, and witnessing. The end of the conference concluded with an question/answer session with R.C. Sproul who video-teleconed in from Florida. Excellent teaching!!! It was the first time I had heard Steve Lawson speak and I enjoyed how he taught. So thankful for opportunities like this to spend a day and a half soaking up the wisdom these men have gained from their years of studying God's word.

Here were the highlights for me from each sermon:

One Passion in Worship

Hebrews 10:19-25

This text was written to new Christians who were used to an Old Testament form of worship (with robes, ceremonies, specific rules that had to be followed, etc), to show them and encourage them that their worship was now a first-hand experience, because of the presence of Jesus Christ. It is the presence of Jesus Christ that should drive a person to worship. Before Christ, worship was second hand, done through the priests. Now, "and since we have a great high priest" - that is, Jesus Christ, our worship is firsthand, and perfected by Christ, since Christ is in us.

"Singing praises to God is very often where we learn to think about God" - S.F.

One Passion in the Word


Psalm 119:161-168

The word "enthusiasm" - is Greek, en-theos - In God... wow, word-geek (me :) ) mind-blown. Those of us in God should be marked by our enthusiasm for God's word.

Marks of Spiritual Passion:
- Reverential awe - having a healthy, holy fear of the Lord - to take His word seriously
- Rejoicing - As believers, the joy that we have is the same joy that is in/was in Jesus Christ. The word of God should thrill our soul.
- Radiant love - It's a very good sign in your spiritual life if you can say you LOVE God's word
- Passion for God's word- circumstances should not change your praise of God. The deeper you go into the word, the more and higher you will praise God
- Real peace - our hearts are made to respond to God's word. Peace is not a destination, it is a by-product - only believers experience peace.

One Passion in Work


Titus 1:11-14

We need to be zealous in our works, you cannot compartmentalize good works, thus, whatever we do, we need to do it with zeal and passion, wholeheartedly. We were saved from lawless deeds in order to perform good deeds. There will always be consistency between the heart and deeds (Titus 1:16). As long as we are alive, there is work that we are supposed to be doing; when that work is complete, God will call us home. Good deeds/works are everything that God calls us to do within His will. Questions to ask yourself: are you born again? If so, are you doing good works? If so, are you doing them with zeal?

One Passion in Witnessing


Romans 1:14-17

If you have a passion for God, then you will have a passion for the gospel and then you will have a passion for sharing the gospel.

We are under obligation to give what we have been given (share the news of the gospel), we should be eager to share the gospel, and we should not be ashamed to share the gospel.

Quiet and still

I seem to be full of contradictory thoughts lately when it comes to this trial that I have been walking. I had a few really rough days this past week - Wednesday evening had me unable to sleep and up at midnight furiously journaling to try and reason out why I am going through this - I love to write and I tend to write out my prayers a lot. If you've talked to me, you know I talk quickly and can bounce around from topic to topic - so just imagine what goes on inside my head sometimes... it's factors worse, trust me :). Here's an excerpt from that particularly difficult, and ultimately growing, night:

 "I know you (God) have a plan and purpose and that I need to rely on you completely...and I feel that I do, by Your grace, so why I am still in this trial? Why do I still hurt? I just don't know how else I can grow through this. I've been here for so long, what more can you teach me? And yet, I am grateful Lord, I complain, yet I know you are there, I give up, but you continue to sustain me. Oh how do I keep going back and forth like this!?"

Ha, I read that and tears come to my eyes as I am overwhelmed by how God continually turns my eyes to Him, even when I fight it, even when I don't want to look, when I want to close my eyes and make everything go away - He makes me look at Him and marvel at the work He is doing in my stubborn heart - He opens my eyes to the small, beautiful things of every day life, continually works at stripping my heart of it's layers of ugliness so that He can replace it with His beauty.

I find myself more hungry for His word and wanting to know His character more. If this trial is bringing about all this, then why in the world would I want it to go away!? And yet...I do. Oh the contradictory nature of my thoughts sometimes! I am thankful for a God who was also Man and understands the turmoil of my thoughts and heart. I am thankful for His mercy and His patience to let me blather on and still continue to prod me along His path - I wish I traveled it with feet "a trippin' merrily" but, I don't...not always. Oh the fuss I can make sometimes!

A friend sent me an email on Monday with an article that had this verse in it: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." - Isaiah 26:3-4. I did a pretty long study on Isaiah awhile ago, and I don't remember that verse. But Wednesday night, God used it much during my journaling chaos to still my mind and my heart and to focus on Him. To find my joy in Him. To remind me that my stability is on my Rock, not on the current state of my health.

On Friday, I must have timed my meds wrong, because I yakked my guts up through the morning as my girlfriends and I made our way up to Austin for a fun overnight trip. I sat in the car, desperately willing my stomach to settle and for the waves of nausea to pass, and lamenting that I might have to stay in bed the entire trip. Later that evening (with my stomach thankfully settled!)  a friend sent an email to me that spoke so clearly to the thoughts I was having during the car ride. She sent me a verse that had recently ministered to her: "Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind" Ecclesiastes 4:6.

Rather than being consumed by thoughts of what else to do with my disease, and frustrated with not being able to do things because I don't feel well, and, during the car ride to Austin, fiercely fighting against yakking my guts up more thanks to my meds, to just sit quietly, to accept what is going on, to know that He is at work and working everything out for my good and His glory, and to just stop fighting the path He has me on, to travel it quietly, with ears and heart open to what He wants me to learn. To be content and joyful in my trial. I can't tell you how many times I feel like I have learned how to do that, only to be right back at the beginning learning that lesson from a different perspective, deepening my understanding of what it means to be content and joyful.

So that's my focus - to be more quiet and still. To stop fighting against what I trust, and want to trust more and more, is God's way of working out His best for me.

I am not walking this trial alone. The two examples above of how God used friends to encourage me and remind of His presence are just the tip of the iceberg of the work He is doing in the background. I am so humbled and amazed by how much my God loves me.

Book droolage

Yup, another book that deserves a dedicated post.

Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian

I don't think I've ever underlined, bracketed, and side noted a book more - it looks like it was attacked by a Smurf (um, I used a blue pen...Smurfs are blue...anyways...).

Back in the fall, my church was going through Colossians and during one of the sermons, the pastor said "Jesus plus nothing equals everything". At the time, I was doing my own little side study on the fullness in God, so this statement was quite appropriate (mind blowing) for me at the time. And then I discovered a book had just been released with this same title AND it was based on Colossians. Oh, how excited was I!? (very, in case you were wondering).

I find myself often putting more importance and emphasis on things rather than on God. And this book addresses the question "why do we need anything more than what we already have in Christ?". Hence the title: Jesus + Nothing =Everything.

Here are some of the underlined snippets. I encourage you to read this book.

"Our performancism leads to pride when we succeed and to despair when we fail. But ultimately it leads to slavery either way, because it becomes all about us and what we must do to establish our own identity instead of resting in Jesus and what he accomplished to establish it for us"

"As A.W. Pink once wrote, "The great mistake made by people is hoping to discover in themselves that which is to be found in Christ alone"

"Progress in obedience happens only when our hearts realize that God's love for us does not depend on our progress in obedience"

"We're always to soak first in what God has already done before we set out to do."

"When we're captured and captivated by who Jesus is, we'll be empowered and equipped to resist the constant temptations to settle for anything less"

"The hard work of Christian growth, therefore, is to think less of ourselves and our performance and more of Jesus and his performance for us"

"Christian growth, in other words doesn't happen by first behaving better, but by believing better - believing in bigger, deeper, brighter ways what Christ has already secured for sinners"

"Real freedom happens when the rich resources of the gospel smash any sense of need to secure for ourselves anything beyond what Christ has already secured for us"

"The gospel grants us the strength to admit we're weak and needy and restless - knowing that Christ's finished work has proven to be all the strength and fulfillment and peace we could ever want, and more"

"When you understand that your significance and identity and purpose and direction are all anchored in Christ, you don't have to win - you're free to lose"

"sin turns us inward and the gospel turns us outward. The gospel causes us to look up and out, away from ourselves. It turns our gaze upward to God and outward to others, both to those inside the church and those outside it"

"In fact, real spiritual growth happens as we look up to Christ and what he did, out to our neighbors and what they need, not in to ourselves and how we're doing"

"Our natural tendency is to focus on ourselves - on our obedience (or lack thereof), on our performance (good or bad), on our holiness - instead of on Christ and his obedience, his performance, and his holiness for us"

"This means that for Christians, the level of passion with which God loves you is not determined by the level of passion with which you love him. The Son's passion for you secured the Father's passion for you"

"The determining factor in my relationship to God is not my past or my present, but Christ's past and his present"

"This freedom Jesus secured for me is not freedom from pain and suffer; rather, it's a freedom in pain and suffering"

"Where are we focusing our efforts? Are we working hard to perform? Or are we working hard to rest in Christ's performance?"

"Fantastic Voyage?" Sorta...

The post title is a throwback to the 1966 movie "Fantastic Voyage" - where a special submarine and medical crew are miniaturized and injected into this guy's body to repair something...I've never seen it, only heard the references (yeah, it was either "Fantastic Voyage" or "Invisible Enemy", which is an old Doctor Who episode, as the post title - I figured I'd have more bites on the F.V. :) ).

I almost posted pictures... but I think that would be crossing the line...I mean, who really wants to see the inside of my stomach?

On Friday I had an EGD (esphagogastroduodenoscopy) done - where they knock you out and stick a camera down your throat to look inside your stomach. On top of the flare I have been having, I've developed some intense stomach pain, so the investigation has commenced. Thankfully, the EGD was normal - I got to see cool pics (after the procedure of course. I was awesomely unconscious for it...) of my esophagus and stomach and stuff. Everything checks out clean...which is both relieving and frustrating because, where is the pain coming from? The gastro doc is having me get a CT this week to see if that will show anything. Huge praise is that I didn't react badly to the anesthesia as I have in the past - the plastic bowl/bag strategically placed in my friend Amanda's car for the ride home was NOT needed :). I think she might be more thankful than I am...

In the meantime, I'll admit I'm having a rough go of it, so prayers are appreciated. I appear to have picked up a sore throat/cough bug, so that in addition to the stomach pain, in addition to the fever/joint pain from the flare is just not much fun. So if you ask me how I am doing and get a subdued "eh"...well, I'm just being honest...I can only wear the "everything's hunky-dory peachy keen" mask for so long - it gets tiring and it's not honest. So working on the balance between being honest, but not complaining. I've been spending more time praying for others - I find that helps take my thoughts off of me and avoids that self-pity cycle that can be easy to get into.

I am HUGELY thankful that my stomach has starting growling again and my appetite seems to be picking up. Praise God! And that even though I don't feel well, I am still able to get things done at work and at home - a HUGE blessing. It definitely helps mentally and emotionally when you can still be productive. And God has been teaching me more and more about how His plans are different than mine, and better, even though I can't understand exactly why things have to happen they way they do. And that He will sustain me. I am learning more about not stewing on the "why is/isn't this happening?" and more on just resting on "I AM" and the fact that "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20).

Whew, but SO ready for this particular trial to be over. And that's being honest :)

Gratitude

A sweet friend sent me this song as an encouragement, which it has accomplished...lyrics are below and you can listen to it here.

Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

180 degrees

I had a 180 degree moment this week.

Background (potentially background overkill...)

I am still flaring and this past weekend, started having some intense stomach pain, so I headed to my regular doctor on Tuesday. I'm on the low dose of steroids, which can cause ulcers, so I thought maybe that was the problem, even though I have been on oral steroids a TON in the past and never had any problems. She agreed the pain was definitely my stomach (versus connective tissue, because I have had problems with connective tissue inflammation in the area that the pain was in) and expressed concern about the pain combined with the weight loss I have had, so she said I need to get an endoscopy of my stomach done. So I have a consultation with a gastroenterologist next week to get that scheduled. She prescribed an acid reflux med and an appetite stimulant. But, I am SO tired of swallowing medicines, that I've decided to hold off on the appetite stimulant and see if acupuncture can help. Yup, I am back under the needles. I had 30 (!!!) in me on Thursday. The last time I was flaring, the needles helped break the cyclic fevers I get when I flare, which helps SO much in making me feel better ('cause really, you just feel so BLAH when you have a fever). I had needles in my stomach too, and those HURT going in, so that's an acupuncture-y sign that something is going on. And my stomach started growling again when she put them in...so hopefully a good sign of things to come. I see the acupuncturist next week as well, so I am hoping to get the same fever-eradicating results as last time :). Oh and my rheumatologist decided to double my dose of one of my immunosupressive meds. So needless to say, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually maxed out on doctors, pills, and the "House- esque"-ness of my situation by mid-week.

End background overkill.

But the title of the blog comes into play this past Thursday, as I was sitting in my car in the drive thru pickup line at Walgreen's to get the acid reflux medicine. Originally, the prescription my doctor wrote wasn't covered well by my insurance and I wasn't going to spend that much money on something that may or may not fix the problem. So, this was actually round two at Walgreens for this med. The pharmacist told me the total and it was even more than the first prescription and that it was so expensive because I had reached the limits on my insurance. That made me pause. 1) I have really good insurance, so that just sounded weird and 2) fleeting panic on what would happen if my insurance REALLY was maxed out. And then my brain kicked in and I started asking a series of questions about my prescriptions on file, had them rerun some insurance stuff, and finally requested that they remove the first acid reflux med request from my file and voila! the new med cleared (cost me $5, yay insurance!). As I was driving away, I found myself thinking "wow, that's just great, cluttering up my brain with all sorts of prescription/insurance-y info, wish I didn't know this stuff"...and God just turned my thoughts and my attitude 180 degrees. I became THANKFUL that I knew what questions to ask and what suggestions to make - it probably saved me about an hour on the phone with the insurance company the next day trying to figure out what the problem was.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to do the work He is doing in my life even when I am not open to His teaching. Reminding me that He is Sovereign. Increasing my dependency on Him. Reminding me that He is all I need.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" - Philippians 1:6

Back to square one?

It might just be back to square one. With respect to treating my disease that is.

I started flaring again last week and just happened to have my standard every 3 month rheumatologist appointment scheduled for today, so the timing worked out well. I hate when I make my rheumatologist get a sad face- he just sits there and listens to me list off my physical complaints and his brow gets more furrowed and the corners of his mouth turn down more. Just not fun. I appreciate how dedicated he is to getting me feeling better and that he really listens to me.

As you loyal blog readers know, my disease has been really unstable the past two years. I’ve been flaring more than I have been in remission. My doctor and I finally said the words I was loathe to hear at today’s appointment -“the meds aren’t working, we need to try something new."

A new drug was just approved last March for the treatment of Lupus - which I don’t officially have, although I have a ton of symptoms of it. That’s the tricky part about autoimmune diseases - there is so much overlap of symptoms that it can be very hard to figure out the exact name of your disease (for instance, for about 4 years, my diagnosis was Mixed Connective Tissue Disease - then I presented much more solid symptoms of Sjogren’s and Raynaud’s - so it changed to that - but lately I have been presenting lupus and other autouimmune disease symptoms - so it’s a constantly changing beast). This new drug sounds really scary. I should be used to scary drugs, considering the cocktail I take now, so for me to say it sounds scary, well, you get what I mean.

If we did decide to go with this new drug, I wouldn’t start until the summer because of the trips I have scheduled. I am willing to wait until after the trips because I am not horribly uncomfortable or incapacitated. And I really want to go on these trips. The side effects of the medication and how it has to be administered (via IV) would prevent me from traveling to remote locations until we see how my body reacts to it. And I get the feeling that my doctor wants to mull it over a bit longer too, so we aren't rushing into anything at this time. They took a TON of blood today and we are still trying to figure out why a year and a half ago my body stopped responding to the steroidal treatments that we were using to stop the flares. I’m thankful for the time to think this over and also look at other options and possibly get a second opinion, as much as I trust my current doc.

So for now, I maintain the usual medicine cocktail and we added a low dose of prednisone (steroids) to help as an appetite stimulant (since we're pretty sure the steroids won't do anything with the inflammation due to my apparent immunity) - let's just say I've lost a decent amount of weight over the past few months and I don't want to end up looking like Skeletor :eww:

So here's to this flare being short lived. And I would greatly appreciate prayers for wisdom for me and my doctor on what to do next. Also, can I just say how thankful I am to live in an age where we have these medicines to help keep us feeling well? Read in a Melissa voice: "I am thankful" :)

Much

The past two months have been MUCH for me. Much of good, much of sad, much of pain, much stress, much of growing, much of clinging to God, just MUCH.

Listening to my siblings walk through challenges and trying to be a good big sister, watching my Grandma continue to decline and the stress on my parents as they care for her, watching my dear dear friends lose their three precious boys, watching my friends see their young one diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. And dealing with some of my own stuff. MUCH.

And asking why a lot. Why the pain, why the suffering, why the confusion and frustration, why the trials, why the tears. My emotional glass is overflowing.

And I have no answers to those whys.

But I have glimmers. Because through each of these horribly sad and seemingly needless (to me) trials that I have witnessed these past two months - I see His hand moving. Part of me doesn't want to see it, part of me wants to cry out in unfairness - but He is so gracious to patiently show me that even though I don't understand WHY, He does. And that is okay- it's actually better that way. A lot better. And while tears are streaming as I type this, there is a quiet and deep peace, that He will bring good from all these events, I have to admit, I've seen it already - the jaw-dropping beauty of parents praising God for the brief time they had with their baby boys, the deepening trust of a mom, who through tears, injects her kiddo with medicine to ease the pain of disease, the sweet Scripture verses sent by several friends to remind me of God's sovereignty and His absolute and unconditional love for me, and the tangible greater awareness I have of His love than I did two months ago.

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him" - Isaiah 64:4.

So I wait Lord - with anticipation to see the fruit that will come from these trials. The growing of my friends in their knowledge of your character, the encouragement I receive from how they walk with you through these trials, the tighter clinging, from all of us, to the Cross each day.

"For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen" - Romans 11:34-35

So yes, through tears, through unanswered questions, Glory be to you Lord. You have not changed, you are Sovereign. Thank you for allowing me to see that and to truly believe those words, not just type them. That is grace.

Art Project

I'm hooked on Pinterest (a virtual bulletin board where you can pin all sorts of ideas) and I found this artwork on there and decided to make my own.

"It is Well with My Soul" by Horatio G. Spafford is one of my favorite hymns and has come to mean even more to me over the past year and half, so using it in some art is a perfect addition to my home.

I started with a 11 X 14 canvas that I got on sale at Aaron Brothers (2-pack for $7!). All the other supplies I already had (finally a good use for all the sample cans of paint I have!)

All yellow!

Using my Cricut, I cut out the letters and fixed them with temporarily removable adhesive. The blue color I wanted was actually in the form of spray paint. Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I should have just spray painted the canvas, but I wanted brushy strokes on the canvas and for some yellow to show through, hard to achieve when just spraying. So, I sprayed the paint into a plastic container so I could dip the brush in it...

That was messy (my nails are still blue-ish)

But it worked! Although, the temporarily removable adhesive was definitely temporary, and the letters moved with the brush...so a lot more blue showed up. Easily fixed by hand brushing some yellow in...

And voila! Finished product. I love it :)

(that nifty metal robot was an awesome Christmas present from my roomie...I named him something, but I don't remember what it was...)

Thank you Pinterest!

Oh here are the words to the hymn in case you are interested:

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well, with my soul,
     It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

Anoint me

Love this from Susannah Spurgeon's "Free Grace and Dying Love":

(Inspired from Psalm 92:10 "you have poured over me fresh oil")

"Anoint me for service, Lord, in all I do for you, either directly or indirectly, there may be manifested the power of the Holy Spirit, and the wholehearted earnestness which only he can supply.

Anoint me for sacrifice, so that contrary to my sinful nature, self may be overcome, and bound, and crucified, that Christ alone may reign in my mortal body.

Anoint me for suffering, if so it be your will, that I may praise you as I pass through the waters and the fires of affliction.

Anoint me for intercession, Oh my father, that for others, as well as for myself, I may plead with you, and may prevail."

Yes, anoint me Lord.

Turkey Trot and Reindeer Run

It's just SO awesome to post about races. I am incredibly thankful to be running again.

My running buddy, Lisa, and I did the Turkey Trot 10k (6.2 miles) on Thanksgiving morning. This was an interesting race for both of us, because neither of us really trained for it. I had only run up to 3 miles due to joint issues and a sinus infection, and she hadn't worked out since she finished her Half-Ironman three weeks prior (so, really, I was the one who hadn't trained...she definitely was ready for it :) ).

Two days before the race, I went and bought new running shoes because I couldn't stand my current ones - they were too stiff around the ankle, and I was finding that any distance over two miles was really starting to hurt. I figured running 6 miles in new running shoes couldn't be any worse than running in the horrible contraptions of Mizunos I had...and I was right...the new Brooks Ghost felt great (although, now I think they hate my knees...might be back to the revamped Mizunos...). We ran the entire thing (me giving my hips and knees a pep talk around mile 5.5) and averaged a 10:51 mile. Not bad for no training! :)

Post race, warming up with some coffee

Today was the Reindeer Run 5k. This was my debut-back-to-running race last year, where I was only able to run the last mile. Today, I ran the entire thing and averaged a 10:16 mile! My awesome running buddy was sweet to remind me today, when we hit the point where we had starting running last year "remember this time last year?" :) Yeah I do. And I am so thrilled to be feeling better and staggered by how much I have grown spiritually and emotionally during the past year and a half. It's been tough, and I still take it one day at a time, but God has been faithful throughout.

Pre-race photo, sporting our now traditional socks and antlers :)

Dust and Water

My friend Jessica and I are reading through John Bunyan's "The Pilgrim's Progress". It was written in 1678, so the language brings a few challenges at times, but the descriptive illustrations are as applicable today as they were back then. I was floored today when I read about the room.

The main character, Christian, has a conversation with Interpreter while they are standing watching a man try to sweep a horribly dusty room. The room just gets more and more filled with dusty clouds as the man tries to sweep and clean, to the point that Christian starts coughing and has trouble breathing. Then a door to the room opens and a woman walks in and lightly sprinkles the room with water, and begins cleaning. The water, of course, settles the dust so that it can easily cleaned up. I'm going to summarize Interpreter's explanation of this to Christian, but I've copied the passage below and encourage you to take the time to read it because it's so good.

Interpreter tells Christian that the room is a man's heart and the dust is his sin. The act of sweeping is the Law (Old Testament and if you allow me the extension, our human methods of trying to better ourselves), the Law reveals dust but cannot clean the dust, it just moves it around to different piles in the room. The water that was sprinkled in the room is the Gospel, it clings to the sin, nullifies it, and is easily cleaned up, leaving the room fit for Christ to inhabit.

What a great reminder of the work of the Gospel in my heart! I was dusty and now I am not! And yet, the Gospel continually cleanses me, sweeping out those dust bunnies that collect, as He continues to grow me to be more like Him.- I can't cleanse myself from sin, but God can and I am so thankful for His grace.

Actual passage:

"The parlour (room) is the heart of a man that was never sanctified by the sweet grace of the Gospel; that dust is his original sin, and inward corruptions that have defiled the whole man. He that began to sweep at first is the Law, but she that brought water, and did sprinkle it, is the Gospel. Now, whereas thou sawest that so soon as the first began to sweep, the dust did so fly about that the room by him could not be cleansed, but that thou wast almost choked therewith, this is to show thee that the Law, instead of cleansing the heart (by its working) from sin, doth revive, put strength into, and increase it in the soul, even as it doth discover and forbid it, for it doth not give power to subdue.
Again, as thou sawest the damsel sprinkle the room with water, upon which it was cleansed with pleasure: this is to show thee that when the Gospel comes in the sweet and precious influences thereof to the heart, then I say, even as though sawest the damsel lay the dust by sprinkling the floor with water so is sin vanquished and subdued, and the soul made clean, through the faith of it; and consequently fit for the King of Glory to inhabit"

Ode to Flare (up)

(Nerd sidenote: thought this picture was appropriate cause of all the recent solar weather :) )

Flare-up. Or as most auto-immune disease sufferers say: a flare.

Flare-up (compliments of Webster)

1: a sudden outburst or intensification

2: a sudden bursting (as of a smoldering fire) into flame or light

Autoimmune diseases are interesting creatures. They vary incredibly from patient to patient. One can test positive for one disease and negative for another, yet still have symptoms of that disease. New symptoms can pop up and symptoms can disappear completely. A large majority of people with autoimmune symptoms thankfully live a large portion of their lives with minimal symptoms and then a flare occurs and you're just miserable.

When it comes to sharing about my disease, I always think: "should I really post this, is is too much information?".

But after realizing that I would tell everything that I post to anyone who asks (this isn't a secret!), I post:

1) To share what God teaches me through my disease
2) To help myself process what I learn through each up and down
3) To help people understand autoimmune disease better
4) To attempt to encourage those who are suffering, or who know someone who is suffering

I haven't had a flare since last fall (it was a LONG flare, but settled by January). However, I've been flaring for almost two weeks now. For me, a flare means my joints hurt, I run a low grade fever almost constantly, I start feeling worse as the day grows later and I have no energy. For me, which joints are affected changes from day to day. For this flare - it has been my fingers, wrists, toes, ankles, and shoulders (upper back), with a dose of my SI joints thrown in every few days or so. Flares can last days, weeks, months. It is always different and you never know exactly what to expect or when your immune system is going to start behaving again.

I am thankful that my flares only worsen in the evening, which means I can still be productive at work and feel fairly normal until about 4pm (woot for being a natural morning person!). I've found morning workouts are okay as long as they are not too intense and I stagger them every other day; in fact, they help work out some of the joint stiffness. I crawl into bed around 7 or 730pm because usually I am hurting so bad by then that it takes awhile to fall asleep and I usually wake up during the night hurting. I curtail evening activities, because while I have gotten pretty good at pretending I feel okay so I can still have a decent social life during flares, it does take a lot out of you!

For this flare, my rheumatologist put me on some oral steroids for two weeks (IV steroids didn't work last time and we're still not sure if my usual steroid injections helped in making my back go all wonky). Four days into the steroids, I've seen a slight improvement...not as great as I would have hoped. The next step is tweaking my immuno-suppressive meds - according to the doc I still have a lot of wiggle room. But we just tweaked them last year too...I don't like it when my body destabilizes so quickly. Silly body.

I've noticed during this flare, that I am handling it better spiritually and emotionally. Trusting God more, not getting as frustrated when I have to cancel hanging out with a friend 'cause I just don't feel like putting on a smile-mask anymore. Taking one day at a time and doing what I can each day. Now, I am not perfect. Oh no. Believe me, there have been some tearful nights lately where I just HURT and I am sick of the struggle. But God is good to remind me that there is a reason for all of this (of course, He hasn't revealed that yet, but there is still peace in the thought :) ). I am learning so much about Him. He doesn't give me more than He and I can handle. And His plan is more incredible than I could ever imagine. So I focus on that when I start hurting really bad (and then pray to fall asleep REALLY quickly ;) ).

So, here's to this flare ending shortly. Don't take good health for granted. Do what you can.

Shadow Creek Ranch Sprint Triathlon

So, this is the only picture I took of this race. It's of my shirt :)

The day before this race, I tweaked my back...adding air to my bike tires no less. It went something like this: Front tire: pump, pump, pump, pump. Done. Back tire: pump, pump, pu-OH MY GOSH THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY BACK!!!! Yeah, it was hurting to bend at the waist...as in the motion that you use on the bike to lean down to grab the handlebars (and aerobars). So, I stretched, and iced, and popped some muscle relaxers. Rinse and repeat that series throughout the day. The back was feeling better by evening, so I went to sleep thinking, "if I wake up and it feels better, I am doing this race until The Back tells me to stop". And praise the Lord, when I woke up, the back was at about 85% (pretty much normal these days, although, I've been hitting about 90% lately). So I jumped in my car and headed to the race.

My stats:

Age group (30-39): 19/31

Swim: 12:57 (slow, but only 50 sec slower than my pool time, which shows how nice the open water swim was)
T1: 1:55
Bike: 48:08 (16.8mph average)
T2: 1:14 (one of my longer T2 transitions because I forgot to lay out my Endurolyte capsules (salt pills) and had to dig them out of my bag)
Run: 36:04 (11:16/mile pace) - eh, I was just glad my face didn't explode away from my skull. It was so hot.

Total time: 1 hr 40 min.

The Story:
I met my friends Erin V, Rick, and Lisa L in transition, and we walked down to the swim start. This was the first time I was doing a swim where it was a point to point swim (ie, we started the swim in one spot and exited in another spot). What this meant was a glorious straight stretch of swimming with no buoys (and swimmer congestion) to swim around. As we waited for the swim to start, we were "treated" to a surprise shower of the ground sprinklers. Apparently, someone forgot to tell the park to turn them off that morning :). Despite the heat and humidity, 400 triathletes found themselves shivering at the swim start. Good times.

Swim (77 deg, 90% humidity)
The airhorn blasted and off we went, water churning. It was actually one of the less hectic open swim starts I have done, so that helped me get into my pace (my SLOW pace) quickly. I only finished 50 seconds slower than my pool time, so the open water craziness at swim start wasn't too bad (for comparison, my last tri swim time was 3 minutes slower than my pool time). I have so much room to improve in this area.

Bike (81 deg, 82% humidity, heat index, 86 deg)
The bike was pretty decent. However, I hadn't ridden my bike in 3 weeks and hadn't done an actually brick workout (bike then run - I did do two 'pseudo' bricks: after a 45 minute spin class, I ran 2.5 miles) so I was cautious on how much I pushed it on the bike, I didn't want to blow up on the run. I definitely could have pushed more.

Run (86 deg, 72% humidity, heat index, 92 deg)
The theme of the run was "hot, hotter, holy moly it's hot". There was no shade on the concrete trail that we ran on for 3.2 miles. I ran with Gatorade, something I have found key for me to do so I don't overheat (too much :) ) on the run. I also took an Endurolyte capsule. Endurolyte is a brand of salt pills - they are supposed to help you not to overheat. I forgot them on the bike, so I think if I would have taken one on the bike and then on the run, it would have been a bit better. I did have to stop and walk a couple of times, not because my muscles were tired, but because I was seriously afraid I was going to do damage to my skull as the top of my head felt ready to blow off. HOT.

Thoughts:
I did not feel ready going into this race. Due to some other medical issues I had earlier in the month, I hadn't put in the training time I wanted to. However, after the race, my muscles felt great, so that tells me I did have the training. Now, I need to up my training so I can start getting faster. My back did GREAT during the race. It did AWFUL after the race. By the time I drove home, it was starting to tighten and by late afternoon, I could barely walk. I stretched, iced, rested, and eventually popped a muscle relaxer and a Vicadin because it was THAT bad. Thankfully, when I woke up on Monday, it had calmed quite a bit and I could walk without the "granny stoop". My chiropractor got me in at 9am and PTed me up. By the end of the day, things were much better. I've had to use the back pillow all week for additional support, but my run this morning went well (no back issues all day), so I am so pleased with how quickly the Back bounced back. Thank you Lord! But still, I'll take one day at a time. One race at a time. And be thankful for what I CAN do and for what He allows me to do. By the way, this race happened to be one year TO THE DAY from when I went to the ER initially for my back pain. How great is God? He has taught me so much about myself and my walk with Him, my position before Him. I would NOT trade in the past year for what I have learned. And that my friends, can only be typed because of His grace. Thank you God.

Confessions of a Swim Slacker

Hi, I am a Swim Slacker (i.e. not me in the above photo :) ).

See, I love swimming. My mom always says I could swim before I could walk. I have always enjoyed the water, be it pool or ocean. One would think with such a love of water and a decent introduction to swimming (my mom was a lifeguard and on the swim and dive teams in high school so she taught all of us kids to swim in early childhood) I would be a decent swimmer. So.not.true. (and not Mom's fault, by the way :) ).

Okay, I am not a bad swimmer exactly. I had one of my co-workers who has raced several Ironman triathlons come out and critique my swimming. His summary was that I have a technically decent stroke and a strong kick. I just don't glide. Gliding is important in swimming because it means you go faster and waste less energy getting where you are going.

So, I am a slow swimmer. And it bugs me. I wish I could hop in the water and Michael Phelps-out all my swim training sessions, but that isn't happening soon (okay, EVER :) ).

Why am I taking all this time to let you know my swimming woes? 'Cause the sad truth is that if something doesn't come easily to me or I don't see myself improving, I don't want to do it. And swimming fits right into this category. I want to be instantly good at swimming, without the work and effort required to improve (::rolling eyes at myself::, oh Melissa, you are so logical).

Anyhow, now that the cat is out of the bag publicly, that means I am accountable (in my head at least, maybe you all don't care, but I am going to PRETEND you care) to truly making an effort to improve my swimming. Up until this point, it's been half-hearted: I did correct my hand-entry position into the water (thanks to Ironman Coworker who warned me I could atrophy some arm muscles if I kept up my "Melissa-esque" hand-entry position). The correction has stuck and has definitely helped. I am also doing all of the drills he told me to do.

I swam 500yds today because I have a race this weekend and the swim is 500yds. And today was the first time since last year that I swam 500yds in a row. And it was slow. 12:06 to be exact. That, my friends, is 1:12 PER lap. ::heaving sigh::. I am slow.

So, I need to swim more. Three times a week is my goal. Now that I am back in town for a decent chunk of time, I think that will make it easier to stick with that goal. And I am going to create a new swim training plan, borrowing heavily from a swim article that was in the latest issue of Triathlete magazine.

God has allowed me to start training again so I'm going to do my part and glorify Him in my training and not whine about how slow I swim and rather, be thankful that I CAN swim.

It's time to shake this Swim Slacker attitude ::focused determined face::

Awesome timing

This is a belated post because I finally found the song that I wanted to blog about.

After leaving Kearney, NE after my grandparents' funeral, I had to take the rental car back to the airport I was flying out of, a three hour drive. I was having a teary drive, it had been a hard week and need some turns to distract me. It was slim pickin's among the available radio stations that weren't country or static, and then I stumbled upon a station that was coming through loud and clear and I heard this song. After the song finished, the station faded out (and afterwards was intermittent). I lost it. It was so perfect - it brought comfort that God was near during my grief and also affirmed all of what God has been teaching me the past 10 months with my back. I wanted to share it with you:

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

(Chorus)
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Chorus

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Chorus

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

It's incredible, really....

Incredible how amazingly adaptable the brain is. Bear with me here...I'll get to the incredible part, but a little background first...

My workouts over the past two weeks have included 1.5-2 mile runs, over 500m swim workouts, a two-workouts-in-one-day morning swim/afternoon run, a brick workout (6.5 mile bike/1 mile run), and a spinning class.

Oh yeah, and I signed up for my comeback triathlon at the beginning of May, Mother's Day actually, - a super sprint distance of 200yd swim, 8 mile bike, and 2 mile run.

And I am doing a 5k next week, with the goal of running as much of it as possible.


I am feeling good. But it is a different type of good than I felt a year ago. My body has a new "good".

My back still hurts. It's usually just a small nagging ache and sometimes (rarely these days) a sharper-suck-in-your-breath-quick kind of pain.

This is where the brain is incredible...it's adjusted my pain tolerances. These days at work, I rarely am aware of my back (unless I have to stand for a long time or sit for awhile without my lumbar pillow). That's AMAZING. I could be constantly aware of my back, constantly aware of it not "feeling right"...I imagine that would make me very sad and not much fun to be around...(at first, because I've seen God's grace in my attitude the past 9 months and know that He would bring me around eventually :) ). I am SO grateful to God for designing our brains to adapt to uncomfortableness so that we can still enjoy life. I'm overwhelmed by the mercy in His design. And yes, there may be days ahead where I will have trouble remembering this mercy and be constantly aware of pain, but not today. Today I am going to marvel at the design of my God (and pray that on that day when I am hurting and having trouble remembering, that one of you will remind me of this post!):

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:13-14

Progress

I'm continuing to make progress with my health and my back. My stomach and inner ear are handling the new dosage of the immunosuppressives well (they initially made me super queasy and my head all foggy). I'm definitely starting to stabilize- a long-sought answer to prayer!

This past week I completed 4 workouts:

Tuesday- run 0.75 miles, walk 2.1 miles, run 0.25 miles
Thursday- walk 1 mile, run 1 mile
Saturday- 800m swim workout
Sunday- 10 mile bike ride

The back handled it all pretty well. I definitely could tell it was getting used to the activity. I woke up this morning with sharper than my new normal pain, which made leaning over to eat my awesome flax cereal a bit of a challenge, but I spent some time stretching it out and over the course of the day, it feels back to "normal". I don't think it liked the "back-to-back" (is that a pun?) workouts, so that was a good thing to learn. I'll be careful to space out my workouts for awhile...gotta give the body time to adjust.

I am planning on signing up for a super sprint tri the first week of May. The distances are 200yd swim, 8 mile bike, and 2 mile run. Before I do that though, I want to do a short brick (bike, then run) workout to see how the back handles the loading. I'm a few weeks away from attempting that though...

In the meantime, I've signed up to volunteer at two upcoming triathlons. I'm doing body-marking (writing folks' race numbers on their arms and legs) at the Kemah tri in April (I raced this last year) and my training buddy, Lisa, and I signed up to help out at one of the bike aid stations at the Texas Ironman in May.

I am really excited about volunteering at the Texas Ironman. I figure watching an Ironman in person will just make me want to do it more. Oh yeah, I have the heart of an Ironman...not sure about the body, yet, but we'll see what it will let me do. It and God of course. Anything that I can accomplish physically is a direct testament of God's grace in my life, because my doctor says "you really shouldn't be able to do that" (when it comes to running and triathlons). So to Him be the glory. And I will be thankful for whatever progress I make, remembering the past 8 months and how walking without grimacing is a victory in itself.

On The Occasion Of Turning 30...

The above delicious culinary creation is a cake my friend Erin made for me. Gluten-free almond cake with a lemontastic flavor. It was AMAZING. I had it with my coffee for breakfast this morning. (My roomie also made two beautifully decorated cakes for some friends I had over today, but alas, neither of us took pictures!).

So...the big 3-0.

Eh.

I haven't been looking forward to this birthday. I don't like the fact that I haven't been looking forward to this birthday, because it seems so cliche to think like that, but well, that's the honest truth :).

I think it's because I am not where I thought I would be in life when turning 30.

However, I have also gotten to do things in life that I never thought I would do before turning 30. Like the following:

1. Work at NASA
2. Travel to Russia (multiple times) and India (not your normal go-to places)
3. Buy a house
4. Run a half-marathon
5. Be a triathlete

and the most important "not expected"...stepping back and seeing how many amazing, inspiring, and encouraging friends and family that I have in my life.

I am incredibly blessed by the people God has put into my life to support me, make fun of me (in a good way :) ), correct me, cheer me on, make me laugh, listen to me cry, roll their eyes at me when I am being a drama-queen, pray for me, and encourage me. God has used them to help make me into the woman that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.

So if the next decade is anything like the last has been...

Welcome 30.

Birthday flowers from Erin V., Irma, and Pam :)