Leaps and bounds

I'm sitting (er...reclining...I don't "sit" anymore :) ) here with about eight electrodes attached to my torso, my arm resting on a small computer that I am wearing in a glorified fanny pack as a small camera (it's the size of a large vitamin and it had blinking LEDs...and I swallowed it. Eek!) makes it's way through my innards and records its journey. Pretty cool, huh? I am thankful for technology. But this post isn't about my thankfulness for technology, it's about the leaps and bounds progress that my attitude has made over the past two years.

I have been OVERWHELMINGLY blessed by the number of visitors over the past two weeks (I have at least one per day),  the quantity of emails, text messages - people checking in on me, seeing how things are going, asking if they can bring over anything. I'm a bit dumbfounded. And I have had several people thank ME for allowing them to come over and clean my house or bring me groceries - they are thankful that I allowed them to help. While one friend was sharing this with me, I was struck but how far God has brought me over the past two years, because this time around, there was never any question in my mind about needing help - I needed it! But that hasn't always been my attitude.

Two years ago when I was dealing with The Back, I had a really hard time accepting help. I didn't want anyone to see me so helpless and pitiful (admit it folks, my gimping around was quite pitiful). I didn't want to accept help and, I didn't want to ask for help. Whether or not I said it out loud, I wanted to be self-sufficient. My pride not only damaged a couple of friendships that, thankfully and mercifully,  God has since restored, but it also kept me from experiencing the blessing of receiving help, of showing a vulnerability and openness that deepens friendships. I don't know when my attitude changed. I think it has been a slow process, based on the desire He has given me to know Him better and to strive to seek His face in all things. To learn how to trust Him more. Over the past two years, He has allowed me to see that I do need help and that allowing people to help allows them to demonstrate the brotherly love that we are called to show to one another as believers, it allows THEM to grow in their walk with God as well.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" - John 13:34

"Love one another in brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honor" - Romans 12:10

Exercising humility can grow my brothers and sisters in Christ!? I find that really special. Especially since over the past two years, and more so over the past eight months, I have been so convicted to pray more for the growth of my fellow believers, to pray as Paul prays in Colossians 1:9-10 "And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." So here is another way that I can encourage those around me...by letting them help me. That seems so simple, but it can be SO hard at times.

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days because it's been just such a nice surprise to see how far God has brought me, know that I still have a ways to go, but to be able to SEE the changes He has made in my heart and know that it is Him working...it's just been such a sweet couple of days of thinking on His goodness to me. I'm definitely still growing in this area of putting aside my pride and accepting help.  I got a great "mom look" from a friend this morning when she caught me trying to empty the dishwasher before she did the dishes...hehehe...I'm still a work in progress. :)

So thank you to my brothers and sisters, to my friends, my family - thank you for showing love towards me and for allowing Him to work in and through you.

I'm not leaving

"I'm not leaving until you guys give me the results of my CT."

Yup, that is verbatim what I told my doctor yesterday. I appreciate my GI doctor, but he's not always the most prepared...for instance, having the CT results ready for my follow-up appointment with him.

The nurse chuckled at my statement and told me to sit tight. I chose to nap on the exam table. About 30ish minutes later, CT results in hand, the doctor and nurse entered the room and proceeded to have a very productive discussion in which my waning confidence in my doctor was restored by his probing questions, inclusive discussions about what to do next with my health, and surprisingly friendly bedside manner. Okay, doc, I'll keep coming to see you.

The CT results were clear - he had been looking for evidence of vasculitis - inflammation in the veins - and didn't detect any. Check that off the list of pain-culprits. The in-depth review of the EGD I had done last week revealed some lesions on my insides. Since these lesions are in a place that isn't accessible by currently available procedures, I will swallow a camera next week and let it move through my system, recording images of my insides to see how far the lesions extend. I think that's pretty cool :). And then the day after that, I will eat some radioactive oatmeal and be monitored to see how quickly it moves through my system to determine how severe my gastroparesis (paralysis of the stomach) is. The lesions and the gastroparesis may be part of my lupus...and they may be signs that yet another autoimmune disease is emerging.

That last bit..."yet another autoimmune disease" threw a wrench in my steadiness yesterday. "Another one? I already have three...and the one that this could potentially be is pretty brutal...ugh, is that what I am in for now? Good night, I'm 31 years old and falling apart. Why can't I ever be "textbook"?" - that was my internal monologue late yesterday afternoon. And I crumbled a bit. I got scared. Looking into the face of another disease, another set of medicines, another regime of dietary changes, symptoms, pain. "I don't think I can handle this. I don't want to handle this. Pass! Uh-huh, not going this way. Can I just check out please?"

After about ten minutes of blubbering, more logical thoughts starting popping up "hmm, call your rheumo doc and ask if the Benlysta could be worsening things that were already present." The abdominal pain started before I was on Benlysta and also returned before I was on Benlysta, but, that doesn't mean there might be some connection. An email sent to a friend was returned with a reminder of how I had just memorized 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Yup Lord, I am weak. But I know you can get me through this, whatever "this" turns out to be - lupus or something new.

Your grace is sufficient.

So I am not checking out. He won't leave me. Better yet, He will sustain me regardless of what the next hurdle is, no matter how little or big it is. If my God can be all in, so can I.

I'm not leaving.

Sufficient

Exactly a week ago, I was sitting on the couch on Tuesday evening, having some hard talks with God about a lot of different things.

One thing that was very prevalent was how MUCH I want to be healed and how I was not happy with the way things were going. I cannot begin to tell you how NOT a fan I am of narcotics. I've probably blogged about it enough at this point, but I really don't like things that make one not in control of themselves, and narcotics is one of those things. God has been really working on me to be a big girl and take my meds when I am supposed to - actually, it's a thing of necessity now because I really can't tolerate the pain without them. But He's been working on me to not just take the meds, but to be thankful for them. I can't say I'm always 100% there, but I do find myself being more grateful, so yay for progress.

But, along the lines of not being happy with taking the meds, and very much wanting to be off of them so I can drive and go to work and "be back to normal", I was thanking Him for the insane number of people who have emailed me, texted me, dropped by for a short visit, called, etc, to tell me that they are praying for me. It's astounding really...and as I was thanking Him AND grumbling in my heart at the same time about being dependent on these pain meds and how no progress was being made, the thought came to mind "why can't the prayers be enough?".

Hmm... well, that's an interesting question.

"Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether" - Psalm 130:4

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him" - Matthew 6:8

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." - Romans 8:26-27

God knows exactly what I need, even before I can think of a prayer to utter that need. He is showing His love for me by moving people to think of me and pray for me. So why can't I be content in the prayers of those He has called to pray for me? So I sat there on the couch, kinda staring up at the ceiling...and decided, I WANT those prayers to be enough. I want to be content with what He has blessed me with...so I prayed for that...I asked Him to allow the prayers of the saints to be enough for me. It was kind of like the father from Mark 9:24 and his reaction after Jesus heals his child "I believe; help my unbelief!"

And He has...helped my unbelief that is...ever since Tuesday night, I haven't been anxious or grumbling at ALL about how things are going, my heart has been quiet and still and peaceful about what He is doing. I never thought to ask for contentment in prayers and it's been such a sweet realization to know I can ask for that and He is faithful to provide for me - what grace!

I have been so encouraged by visitors who have shared with me what God is doing in their lives and been able to pray for so many people while I'm lying here, switching between bed and couch, depending on my mood. Don't get me wrong, it's not all spiritual stuff I'm doing here at home, I am very thankful for Netflix, Star Trek seasons available on Netflix (yup, nerd alert), and Pinterest - all great diversions for my foggy brain - oh just wait until I am back to my usual self, I've got tons of projects overflowing the filing folders of my brain! But it still has been a sweet time of learning more about Him and seeing Him tangibly at work in the lives of those around me. It's quite hard to see what I am seeing and not let out a contented sigh.

Constantly amazed by His grace. He is El Shaddai.

Faithful

Two years ago on this day, I blogged about a particular Scripture that one of my sweet girls had sent me as an encouragement. I remember when I read it I was laying in bed, with the inflammation around my spine, unable to walk very well, and feeling very discouraged because I had hoped to sign up for a race that day and had come to the realization that I couldn't race.

Two years later, I find myself in bed again, unable to move very well due to severe abdominal pain, doped up on narcotics that allow me to not cry out and curl into a fetal position, but leaving me fuzzyheaded and unable to drive. In the last week, I have had one friend send me an amazing sermon on this Scripture and two friends send me encouraging words with this Scripture as it's base...apparently, God's trying to tell me something :)

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Looking back over the past two years, He has been faithful. I am renewed each day by Him. I lose hope, struggle with the whys, cry out in frustration and pain, leap with joy when progress takes place, and He has been there, answering my prayers with answers I couldn't have planned or imagined, answers better than what I was expecting, answers different from what I was expecting and He gives me the grace to process and accept them. He is faithful.

So that's what I am reminding myself of today - His faithfulness. I'm a little daunted by the new challenges that I am facing with my health. But He was there for the last two years, and He will be there for the next two years, or however long I am in this particular trial. And He'll be there for the next trial, and the next one...He is faithful.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him" - Lamentations 3:22-24

A David Moment

It's been a rough past five or six days pain-wise and sleep-wise and I've found myself getting pretty discouraged. My right hand recently broke out with the blister/ulcers that I usually get only when it gets cold outside (one of the aspects of the Raynaud's Syndrome that I have). It made me crinkle my brow, because I wouldn't think that would happen with the new meds in my system - I know I am not supposed to really start seeing results for another couple of months, but I didn't think that I would still be getting disease things - I was hoping everything would just freeze where it is at. And my abdomen pain has been pretty brutal at times and on top of all that, I am having a lot of trouble sleeping - I just can't sleep through the night and wake up and can stay up for hours before falling back asleep. It's been very wearing.

I found myself at caregroup last night not wanting to ask for prayer because I am so TIRED of praying for my health and tired of disappointing people when they ask me expectantly "so, are you feeling better?" and I have to say no. I know that probably sounds a little crazy, but I'm just being honest here. My sweet group had great encouraging things to say and did pray for me when I finally admitted that I didn't want to ask for prayer...and while I appreciated their prayers and concern, I still came home hurting, tired, and discouraged.

I've been studying the book of Hebrews, but I wasn't feeling it this morning. I journaled a bit and asked God to remind me that I do find joy in what He is doing through all of this and that I want to share that joy with others. I was feeling so weary. So I looked up verses on "weary".

I read Hebrews 12:3 but it wasn't what I was looking for...I went on to the next verse that had "weary" in it, Psalm 69:3- "I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." Um. WOW. What's this? Did I write this? Nope, David did...I flipped the page and started at the beginning of the psalm. Here's how God used this psalm to mightily encourage me today:

So you saw verse 3 (crying out, eyes growing dim)...and then nine verses later, David writes this:
"But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness" (Psalm 69:12). 

Oh Lord, YES! You know that I know this is all part of Your plan and that it is for my good and your Glory. But please Lord, in your timing, end this season for me.

And then David writes:

"I am afflicted and in pain; let your salvation, O God, set me on high" (Psalm 69:29)


Oh so true, and yes, Lord, I would really like for this disease to settle, to go away completely.

"I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. When the humble see it they will be glad; you who seek God let your hearts revive. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise his own people who are prisoners" (Psalm 69: 30-33)


Now, the study portion of my bible says that this is what David (who is writing this psalm with the perspective that we all should have in trials) will do if he is delivered from his trial. I agree with that, yet, I want to praise the Lord even if this trial doesn't end, because He never ceases to amaze me with how He blesses me and gives me grace - true, it may not be according to my plan, but it is always so much sweeter and greater than what I have planned. And I hope when I share how He has blessed me and given me grace, that it encourages those around me, that they will see Him working, and not me. And this is EXACTLY what David is saying. Whoa. Big whoa.

And finally, David writes:

"For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it and those who love his name shall dwell in it." (Psalm 69:34-36)


Ah yes Lord, my hope is not in this world, but in Heaven. One day, I WILL have perfect health. That day when I am with you for all eternity. What amazing hope!

I cannot tell you how encouraged I felt after going through this psalm and writing down those verses. My Father cares for me, He encourages me when I am discouraged and points me back to Him.

And that, was my David moment. ::grin::

Hopefully helpful

At the end of June I had the opportunity to attend The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference in Orlando. It was an amazing two and a half days and I plan to blog a summary of some of the messages (there were over 15(!!!) so I don't know if I will cover them all).

One of the breakout sessions was on grief. I attended the session with my friend who has recently lost her children due to premature birth. I was there mainly to support her, but I ended up learning so much and wishing that I had known some of this information before walking with her during her grief. The talk was aimed at the grieving woman, but it gave me such insight into the grieving process and I found I took away a lot of how to walk (or not to walk!) with someone during her grief. I know many of you out there who read this blog are dealing with grief or know someone who is processing the death of a loved one and wish you knew what to say or how to help. I'm going to share the notes I took during the session and my own thoughts on each item and I hope they are helpful to you.

The session was lead by Nancy Guthrie. Nancy has experienced the death of two of her children before they were age one. Hearing her share what she went through, what God taught her, and her desire to share and empathize with women who now share her situation, was sad, touching, encouraging, and beautiful.

The title of her talk was "Seven things it's going to take to get through this"

1) It's going to take some time to be sad

Nancy's nuggets: "Faith doesn't make loss hurt less" and "joy and sadness can coexist"

My thoughts: I so appreciated this statement. I think as Christians, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to "be happy because you belong to the Lord and He loves you" and we can feel as though if we are sinning if we feel sad. God created emotion and sadness is one of those emotions. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus. It's okay to feel sad. When counseling or talking with someone who is grieving, you don't have to feel like you need to cheer them up. Sometimes, they just need someone to sit with them and let them be sad. Pray for them, hug them, love them, and keep a caring eye on them, but let them cry and be sad.

2) It's going to take some time searching the Scriptures

Nancy's nuggets: "We only find comfort in the Bible when we approach it from a big picture perspective". "While grieving, we tend to shout "I am so MAD at God!", but why don't we say, "I am so MAD at sin?"

My thoughts: We all have our "pet" Bible verses that we turn to to make us feel better and remind us that God is there - this is a good thing and I am in no way discouraging this practice. But in tough situations, like dealing with grief, sometimes, those verses just don't seem to help. When you read "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Prov 3:5) while you are bawling your eyes out...to me, the next logical thought could potentially be "oh Lord, but how do I trust when I hurt so much?" Nancy is encouraging the griever to look at Scripture from a 10,000 foot view. Remember what happened in the garden - Adam and Eve sinned. It is because of sin that the world is how it is today. "God is not going to leave this world this broken where there is this much suffering." In fact, God sent His son Jesus to die on a cross for our sins and save us and give us eternal life in Him. When nothing else brings comfort, step back and remember the cross. God is faithful. He is there.

3) It's going to take some forgiving...and more forgiving

Nancy shared how she kept track of who asked about her daughter (and then her son) after they died. And who didn't. She noticed. It is so awkward and difficult to know what to say to someone who is in a horrible situation, such as the loss of a spouse or child. You don't want to upset them any more than they are already upset, you don't want to say the wrong thing...so oftentimes, we say nothing at all. And to the grieving person, that is like rubbing salt in the wound. It's like we are saying "the person you lost isn't important enough to ask about, to talk about"...now of course, that is NOT our intent at all, but to the grieving person who's emotions are on overload, that's exactly how it can come across. So my advice, ask the grieving person right off the bat if they mind you talking about or asking about their loved one, and if they give you the green light, and then ask questions. If they aren't ready to talk yet, let them know that you are waiting for them to tell you, that way they know you care and are ready to listen. I have been amazed to see the happiness, sometimes revealed through tears, of a friend sharing the few memories they have of a child or a spouse. Ask. And as the griever, please forgive us who just don't know what to do, we want to love you, and we must turn to God for Him to show us how. Be patient with us, we do care. Oh, and don't say "I can't imagine what you are going through" - Imagine it. Because that helps you to empathize better. Put yourself in that persons shoes, as painful as it will be. I read this on Noel Piper's blog (she lost her daughter at birth) and I've found it immensely helpful over the past months. Say "I can only imagine what you are going through."

4)It's going to require hard choices

Nancy's nuggets: "Grief keeps you feeling close to the one you have lost. The idea of losing that closeness is scary. So even though you want to heal, you don't". "You have to give grief permission to release its hold. "You don't move on, you move forward." "Make the choice to not be the woman defined by her grief but by her connection to Jesus Christ. "Your love for the person you lost is not defined by ongoing misery"

My thoughts: I don't have much to add here, because this was a valuable insight to me. I had never thought about the comfort grief can bring and I hope it makes me more sensitive. Also, one thing that I've noticed is that a griever just wants to feel "normal" again. And they need to realize that they will never feel their old "normal" again, they have to find a new "normal". I think this aligns with Nancy's "you don't move on, you move forward."

5)It's going to require some telling yourself the truth

Nancy's nuggets: "What do you do with the voices and thoughts in your head? Capture them and confront them - ask, 'is that true?' And if it isn't, start arguing with it. Confront your thoughts"

My thoughts: This applies to grief and other situations we can find ourselves in - our imaginations start running away with us and Satan knows exactly what to whisper to us to make ourselves start doubting that God loves us. This was a Scripture I texted to my friend when she was in the hospital and one that I find myself using almost daily: "We destroy thoughts and every lofty opinion against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ"  - 2 Corinthians 10:5. Satan's whispers of doubt can seem loud, but God's voice is always, ALWAYS louder.

6) It's going to take some reaching out to someone else

Again, this is a point that applies to grief and other situations, such as chronic illness. We can become so wrapped up in our own hurt and grief, that we forget others. So at some point, we need to start reaching out to others, serve someone. Maybe there is another woman who has just lost a child and you know exactly how she feels - go talk to her, bring her family a meal.  Nancy's nugget: "Your pain makes you more sensitive to someone else's pain"

7) It's going to take God Himself filling in the empty places in yourself

Nancy's nuggets: "My grace is sufficient for you..." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. God does not see your emptiness as a problem, He sees it as an opportunity. God does his best work with empty. He fills us with Himself".

My thoughts: Nothing in this world can fill that emptiness that the griever feels - the empty side of the bed, the arms that long to hold the child that is no longer there. God can. God is the ultimate healer. I think that when we hear that statement "God is the ultimate healer" we think that means God can fix everything and make it all better. Yes, God can fix it and He can make it better, but that doesn't mean it's going to change what you went through - it just means that He is going to grow you closer to Him and change your heart to see Him better - to see that He is being glorified through what you are going through, and there are a thousand things going on in the background that you can't see, but He can. So griever, turn to Him, trust in Him, cling to Him when you can't see where to step next. He is faithful.

So there you go. My thoughts are by no means perfect or the end all/be all. I am still learning and growing. I would love to hear what you all have learned by walking through grief or walking with a grieving friend. And I am so thankful for people like Nancy Guthrie, who allow themselves to be used by God to minister to and encourage others. 

Eruption at Volcanoes National Park

Did that get your attention (were you thinking - lava, fire, Melissa had to run for her life, what!?) :) ? No, it wasn't a volcanic eruption, but rather an eruption of memories during the hike my friend Erin and I did at Volcanoes National Park.

First off, I was so thrilled to go to this park. I've been fascinated with volcanoes since I was about 10 years old when I watched a documentary on the eruption of Vesuvius and the destruction of Pompeii. I've read books on the Mount St. Helen's eruption and Krakatoa. I think I seriously could consider being a volcanologist as a second career choice - that's how interesting I find volcanoes.

Anyhow, Erin and I started our trek by doing a 4 mile hike across one of the inactive craters. I enjoy hiking and was so thankful for the new pain medication that was tempering my joint pain sufficiently to where I could do this hike (it was a very low key hike, no crazy steep grades or climbing or anything like that - three doses of the pain meds throughout the day kept me fairly comfy).

When we stopped to eat lunch, I pulled out the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had made, bit into it, and my eyes flooded with tears. All at once, I remembered my grandparents and how they taught me about hiking. (Most of you will remember that I lost my Grandpa and Grandma last year suddenly, within a week of each other, and I was with my Grandma when she died. And that I had a great relationship with them. I'm still working through the emotions of how much I miss writing to them, getting their letters, and catching up over coffee when I visit Arizona).

My Grandma knew a TON about Arizona plants and wildlife and because she also took several classes in archaeology and participated in digs, she knew a lot about history, geology, etc. So hikes were actually teaching sessions for us grandkids. We learned the names of plants, types of rocks, what plants you could eat, hiking etiquette, the dos and don'ts of going to the bathroom on the trails, drink lots of water and eat oranges, etc. And we always had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and drank water out of repurposed syrup bottles (gotta love the Depression generation, they reuse EVERYTHING!). So when I bit into that sandwich, an image of a syrup water bottle popped up...and then every single memory I have of them on all the hikes we took as kids and into my adulthood literally flooded my mind and I couldn't see the crater in front of me anymore, only them. And I sat there, sniffling into my sandwich and trying not to burst out sobbing as I was again struck by how much I miss them. 

For the remainder of the hike, I found myself praying and thanking God for the relationship I had with my grandparents, for what they taught me, and actually glad that I missed them - because that means I loved them, and they loved me, and we had a relationship - and I am so very thankful to be able say that.

Volcanoes National Park was my favorite part about my vacation. God used it to heal me a bit more over the loss of my grandparents - what an unexpected blessing!

So thank you Lord, for the opportunity to remember my grandparents in such a good way on my trip and to allow my heart to heal a bit more.

Ligonier Conference recap

Ack - this is major blog catch-up.

At the beginning of May I went to the Ligonier Regional Conference here in Houston. The topic was "One Passion" and through several sermons, the speakers, Sinclair Ferguson and Steve Lawson, spoke about having one passion for God and how that looks in different areas: worship,  the Bible, work, and witnessing. The end of the conference concluded with an question/answer session with R.C. Sproul who video-teleconed in from Florida. Excellent teaching!!! It was the first time I had heard Steve Lawson speak and I enjoyed how he taught. So thankful for opportunities like this to spend a day and a half soaking up the wisdom these men have gained from their years of studying God's word.

Here were the highlights for me from each sermon:

One Passion in Worship

Hebrews 10:19-25

This text was written to new Christians who were used to an Old Testament form of worship (with robes, ceremonies, specific rules that had to be followed, etc), to show them and encourage them that their worship was now a first-hand experience, because of the presence of Jesus Christ. It is the presence of Jesus Christ that should drive a person to worship. Before Christ, worship was second hand, done through the priests. Now, "and since we have a great high priest" - that is, Jesus Christ, our worship is firsthand, and perfected by Christ, since Christ is in us.

"Singing praises to God is very often where we learn to think about God" - S.F.

One Passion in the Word


Psalm 119:161-168

The word "enthusiasm" - is Greek, en-theos - In God... wow, word-geek (me :) ) mind-blown. Those of us in God should be marked by our enthusiasm for God's word.

Marks of Spiritual Passion:
- Reverential awe - having a healthy, holy fear of the Lord - to take His word seriously
- Rejoicing - As believers, the joy that we have is the same joy that is in/was in Jesus Christ. The word of God should thrill our soul.
- Radiant love - It's a very good sign in your spiritual life if you can say you LOVE God's word
- Passion for God's word- circumstances should not change your praise of God. The deeper you go into the word, the more and higher you will praise God
- Real peace - our hearts are made to respond to God's word. Peace is not a destination, it is a by-product - only believers experience peace.

One Passion in Work


Titus 1:11-14

We need to be zealous in our works, you cannot compartmentalize good works, thus, whatever we do, we need to do it with zeal and passion, wholeheartedly. We were saved from lawless deeds in order to perform good deeds. There will always be consistency between the heart and deeds (Titus 1:16). As long as we are alive, there is work that we are supposed to be doing; when that work is complete, God will call us home. Good deeds/works are everything that God calls us to do within His will. Questions to ask yourself: are you born again? If so, are you doing good works? If so, are you doing them with zeal?

One Passion in Witnessing


Romans 1:14-17

If you have a passion for God, then you will have a passion for the gospel and then you will have a passion for sharing the gospel.

We are under obligation to give what we have been given (share the news of the gospel), we should be eager to share the gospel, and we should not be ashamed to share the gospel.

Quiet and still

I seem to be full of contradictory thoughts lately when it comes to this trial that I have been walking. I had a few really rough days this past week - Wednesday evening had me unable to sleep and up at midnight furiously journaling to try and reason out why I am going through this - I love to write and I tend to write out my prayers a lot. If you've talked to me, you know I talk quickly and can bounce around from topic to topic - so just imagine what goes on inside my head sometimes... it's factors worse, trust me :). Here's an excerpt from that particularly difficult, and ultimately growing, night:

 "I know you (God) have a plan and purpose and that I need to rely on you completely...and I feel that I do, by Your grace, so why I am still in this trial? Why do I still hurt? I just don't know how else I can grow through this. I've been here for so long, what more can you teach me? And yet, I am grateful Lord, I complain, yet I know you are there, I give up, but you continue to sustain me. Oh how do I keep going back and forth like this!?"

Ha, I read that and tears come to my eyes as I am overwhelmed by how God continually turns my eyes to Him, even when I fight it, even when I don't want to look, when I want to close my eyes and make everything go away - He makes me look at Him and marvel at the work He is doing in my stubborn heart - He opens my eyes to the small, beautiful things of every day life, continually works at stripping my heart of it's layers of ugliness so that He can replace it with His beauty.

I find myself more hungry for His word and wanting to know His character more. If this trial is bringing about all this, then why in the world would I want it to go away!? And yet...I do. Oh the contradictory nature of my thoughts sometimes! I am thankful for a God who was also Man and understands the turmoil of my thoughts and heart. I am thankful for His mercy and His patience to let me blather on and still continue to prod me along His path - I wish I traveled it with feet "a trippin' merrily" but, I don't...not always. Oh the fuss I can make sometimes!

A friend sent me an email on Monday with an article that had this verse in it: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." - Isaiah 26:3-4. I did a pretty long study on Isaiah awhile ago, and I don't remember that verse. But Wednesday night, God used it much during my journaling chaos to still my mind and my heart and to focus on Him. To find my joy in Him. To remind me that my stability is on my Rock, not on the current state of my health.

On Friday, I must have timed my meds wrong, because I yakked my guts up through the morning as my girlfriends and I made our way up to Austin for a fun overnight trip. I sat in the car, desperately willing my stomach to settle and for the waves of nausea to pass, and lamenting that I might have to stay in bed the entire trip. Later that evening (with my stomach thankfully settled!)  a friend sent an email to me that spoke so clearly to the thoughts I was having during the car ride. She sent me a verse that had recently ministered to her: "Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind" Ecclesiastes 4:6.

Rather than being consumed by thoughts of what else to do with my disease, and frustrated with not being able to do things because I don't feel well, and, during the car ride to Austin, fiercely fighting against yakking my guts up more thanks to my meds, to just sit quietly, to accept what is going on, to know that He is at work and working everything out for my good and His glory, and to just stop fighting the path He has me on, to travel it quietly, with ears and heart open to what He wants me to learn. To be content and joyful in my trial. I can't tell you how many times I feel like I have learned how to do that, only to be right back at the beginning learning that lesson from a different perspective, deepening my understanding of what it means to be content and joyful.

So that's my focus - to be more quiet and still. To stop fighting against what I trust, and want to trust more and more, is God's way of working out His best for me.

I am not walking this trial alone. The two examples above of how God used friends to encourage me and remind of His presence are just the tip of the iceberg of the work He is doing in the background. I am so humbled and amazed by how much my God loves me.

Book droolage

Yup, another book that deserves a dedicated post.

Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian

I don't think I've ever underlined, bracketed, and side noted a book more - it looks like it was attacked by a Smurf (um, I used a blue pen...Smurfs are blue...anyways...).

Back in the fall, my church was going through Colossians and during one of the sermons, the pastor said "Jesus plus nothing equals everything". At the time, I was doing my own little side study on the fullness in God, so this statement was quite appropriate (mind blowing) for me at the time. And then I discovered a book had just been released with this same title AND it was based on Colossians. Oh, how excited was I!? (very, in case you were wondering).

I find myself often putting more importance and emphasis on things rather than on God. And this book addresses the question "why do we need anything more than what we already have in Christ?". Hence the title: Jesus + Nothing =Everything.

Here are some of the underlined snippets. I encourage you to read this book.

"Our performancism leads to pride when we succeed and to despair when we fail. But ultimately it leads to slavery either way, because it becomes all about us and what we must do to establish our own identity instead of resting in Jesus and what he accomplished to establish it for us"

"As A.W. Pink once wrote, "The great mistake made by people is hoping to discover in themselves that which is to be found in Christ alone"

"Progress in obedience happens only when our hearts realize that God's love for us does not depend on our progress in obedience"

"We're always to soak first in what God has already done before we set out to do."

"When we're captured and captivated by who Jesus is, we'll be empowered and equipped to resist the constant temptations to settle for anything less"

"The hard work of Christian growth, therefore, is to think less of ourselves and our performance and more of Jesus and his performance for us"

"Christian growth, in other words doesn't happen by first behaving better, but by believing better - believing in bigger, deeper, brighter ways what Christ has already secured for sinners"

"Real freedom happens when the rich resources of the gospel smash any sense of need to secure for ourselves anything beyond what Christ has already secured for us"

"The gospel grants us the strength to admit we're weak and needy and restless - knowing that Christ's finished work has proven to be all the strength and fulfillment and peace we could ever want, and more"

"When you understand that your significance and identity and purpose and direction are all anchored in Christ, you don't have to win - you're free to lose"

"sin turns us inward and the gospel turns us outward. The gospel causes us to look up and out, away from ourselves. It turns our gaze upward to God and outward to others, both to those inside the church and those outside it"

"In fact, real spiritual growth happens as we look up to Christ and what he did, out to our neighbors and what they need, not in to ourselves and how we're doing"

"Our natural tendency is to focus on ourselves - on our obedience (or lack thereof), on our performance (good or bad), on our holiness - instead of on Christ and his obedience, his performance, and his holiness for us"

"This means that for Christians, the level of passion with which God loves you is not determined by the level of passion with which you love him. The Son's passion for you secured the Father's passion for you"

"The determining factor in my relationship to God is not my past or my present, but Christ's past and his present"

"This freedom Jesus secured for me is not freedom from pain and suffer; rather, it's a freedom in pain and suffering"

"Where are we focusing our efforts? Are we working hard to perform? Or are we working hard to rest in Christ's performance?"

"Fantastic Voyage?" Sorta...

The post title is a throwback to the 1966 movie "Fantastic Voyage" - where a special submarine and medical crew are miniaturized and injected into this guy's body to repair something...I've never seen it, only heard the references (yeah, it was either "Fantastic Voyage" or "Invisible Enemy", which is an old Doctor Who episode, as the post title - I figured I'd have more bites on the F.V. :) ).

I almost posted pictures... but I think that would be crossing the line...I mean, who really wants to see the inside of my stomach?

On Friday I had an EGD (esphagogastroduodenoscopy) done - where they knock you out and stick a camera down your throat to look inside your stomach. On top of the flare I have been having, I've developed some intense stomach pain, so the investigation has commenced. Thankfully, the EGD was normal - I got to see cool pics (after the procedure of course. I was awesomely unconscious for it...) of my esophagus and stomach and stuff. Everything checks out clean...which is both relieving and frustrating because, where is the pain coming from? The gastro doc is having me get a CT this week to see if that will show anything. Huge praise is that I didn't react badly to the anesthesia as I have in the past - the plastic bowl/bag strategically placed in my friend Amanda's car for the ride home was NOT needed :). I think she might be more thankful than I am...

In the meantime, I'll admit I'm having a rough go of it, so prayers are appreciated. I appear to have picked up a sore throat/cough bug, so that in addition to the stomach pain, in addition to the fever/joint pain from the flare is just not much fun. So if you ask me how I am doing and get a subdued "eh"...well, I'm just being honest...I can only wear the "everything's hunky-dory peachy keen" mask for so long - it gets tiring and it's not honest. So working on the balance between being honest, but not complaining. I've been spending more time praying for others - I find that helps take my thoughts off of me and avoids that self-pity cycle that can be easy to get into.

I am HUGELY thankful that my stomach has starting growling again and my appetite seems to be picking up. Praise God! And that even though I don't feel well, I am still able to get things done at work and at home - a HUGE blessing. It definitely helps mentally and emotionally when you can still be productive. And God has been teaching me more and more about how His plans are different than mine, and better, even though I can't understand exactly why things have to happen they way they do. And that He will sustain me. I am learning more about not stewing on the "why is/isn't this happening?" and more on just resting on "I AM" and the fact that "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20).

Whew, but SO ready for this particular trial to be over. And that's being honest :)

Gratitude

A sweet friend sent me this song as an encouragement, which it has accomplished...lyrics are below and you can listen to it here.

Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

180 degrees

I had a 180 degree moment this week.

Background (potentially background overkill...)

I am still flaring and this past weekend, started having some intense stomach pain, so I headed to my regular doctor on Tuesday. I'm on the low dose of steroids, which can cause ulcers, so I thought maybe that was the problem, even though I have been on oral steroids a TON in the past and never had any problems. She agreed the pain was definitely my stomach (versus connective tissue, because I have had problems with connective tissue inflammation in the area that the pain was in) and expressed concern about the pain combined with the weight loss I have had, so she said I need to get an endoscopy of my stomach done. So I have a consultation with a gastroenterologist next week to get that scheduled. She prescribed an acid reflux med and an appetite stimulant. But, I am SO tired of swallowing medicines, that I've decided to hold off on the appetite stimulant and see if acupuncture can help. Yup, I am back under the needles. I had 30 (!!!) in me on Thursday. The last time I was flaring, the needles helped break the cyclic fevers I get when I flare, which helps SO much in making me feel better ('cause really, you just feel so BLAH when you have a fever). I had needles in my stomach too, and those HURT going in, so that's an acupuncture-y sign that something is going on. And my stomach started growling again when she put them in...so hopefully a good sign of things to come. I see the acupuncturist next week as well, so I am hoping to get the same fever-eradicating results as last time :). Oh and my rheumatologist decided to double my dose of one of my immunosupressive meds. So needless to say, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually maxed out on doctors, pills, and the "House- esque"-ness of my situation by mid-week.

End background overkill.

But the title of the blog comes into play this past Thursday, as I was sitting in my car in the drive thru pickup line at Walgreen's to get the acid reflux medicine. Originally, the prescription my doctor wrote wasn't covered well by my insurance and I wasn't going to spend that much money on something that may or may not fix the problem. So, this was actually round two at Walgreens for this med. The pharmacist told me the total and it was even more than the first prescription and that it was so expensive because I had reached the limits on my insurance. That made me pause. 1) I have really good insurance, so that just sounded weird and 2) fleeting panic on what would happen if my insurance REALLY was maxed out. And then my brain kicked in and I started asking a series of questions about my prescriptions on file, had them rerun some insurance stuff, and finally requested that they remove the first acid reflux med request from my file and voila! the new med cleared (cost me $5, yay insurance!). As I was driving away, I found myself thinking "wow, that's just great, cluttering up my brain with all sorts of prescription/insurance-y info, wish I didn't know this stuff"...and God just turned my thoughts and my attitude 180 degrees. I became THANKFUL that I knew what questions to ask and what suggestions to make - it probably saved me about an hour on the phone with the insurance company the next day trying to figure out what the problem was.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to do the work He is doing in my life even when I am not open to His teaching. Reminding me that He is Sovereign. Increasing my dependency on Him. Reminding me that He is all I need.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" - Philippians 1:6

Back to square one?

It might just be back to square one. With respect to treating my disease that is.

I started flaring again last week and just happened to have my standard every 3 month rheumatologist appointment scheduled for today, so the timing worked out well. I hate when I make my rheumatologist get a sad face- he just sits there and listens to me list off my physical complaints and his brow gets more furrowed and the corners of his mouth turn down more. Just not fun. I appreciate how dedicated he is to getting me feeling better and that he really listens to me.

As you loyal blog readers know, my disease has been really unstable the past two years. I’ve been flaring more than I have been in remission. My doctor and I finally said the words I was loathe to hear at today’s appointment -“the meds aren’t working, we need to try something new."

A new drug was just approved last March for the treatment of Lupus - which I don’t officially have, although I have a ton of symptoms of it. That’s the tricky part about autoimmune diseases - there is so much overlap of symptoms that it can be very hard to figure out the exact name of your disease (for instance, for about 4 years, my diagnosis was Mixed Connective Tissue Disease - then I presented much more solid symptoms of Sjogren’s and Raynaud’s - so it changed to that - but lately I have been presenting lupus and other autouimmune disease symptoms - so it’s a constantly changing beast). This new drug sounds really scary. I should be used to scary drugs, considering the cocktail I take now, so for me to say it sounds scary, well, you get what I mean.

If we did decide to go with this new drug, I wouldn’t start until the summer because of the trips I have scheduled. I am willing to wait until after the trips because I am not horribly uncomfortable or incapacitated. And I really want to go on these trips. The side effects of the medication and how it has to be administered (via IV) would prevent me from traveling to remote locations until we see how my body reacts to it. And I get the feeling that my doctor wants to mull it over a bit longer too, so we aren't rushing into anything at this time. They took a TON of blood today and we are still trying to figure out why a year and a half ago my body stopped responding to the steroidal treatments that we were using to stop the flares. I’m thankful for the time to think this over and also look at other options and possibly get a second opinion, as much as I trust my current doc.

So for now, I maintain the usual medicine cocktail and we added a low dose of prednisone (steroids) to help as an appetite stimulant (since we're pretty sure the steroids won't do anything with the inflammation due to my apparent immunity) - let's just say I've lost a decent amount of weight over the past few months and I don't want to end up looking like Skeletor :eww:

So here's to this flare being short lived. And I would greatly appreciate prayers for wisdom for me and my doctor on what to do next. Also, can I just say how thankful I am to live in an age where we have these medicines to help keep us feeling well? Read in a Melissa voice: "I am thankful" :)

Much

The past two months have been MUCH for me. Much of good, much of sad, much of pain, much stress, much of growing, much of clinging to God, just MUCH.

Listening to my siblings walk through challenges and trying to be a good big sister, watching my Grandma continue to decline and the stress on my parents as they care for her, watching my dear dear friends lose their three precious boys, watching my friends see their young one diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. And dealing with some of my own stuff. MUCH.

And asking why a lot. Why the pain, why the suffering, why the confusion and frustration, why the trials, why the tears. My emotional glass is overflowing.

And I have no answers to those whys.

But I have glimmers. Because through each of these horribly sad and seemingly needless (to me) trials that I have witnessed these past two months - I see His hand moving. Part of me doesn't want to see it, part of me wants to cry out in unfairness - but He is so gracious to patiently show me that even though I don't understand WHY, He does. And that is okay- it's actually better that way. A lot better. And while tears are streaming as I type this, there is a quiet and deep peace, that He will bring good from all these events, I have to admit, I've seen it already - the jaw-dropping beauty of parents praising God for the brief time they had with their baby boys, the deepening trust of a mom, who through tears, injects her kiddo with medicine to ease the pain of disease, the sweet Scripture verses sent by several friends to remind me of God's sovereignty and His absolute and unconditional love for me, and the tangible greater awareness I have of His love than I did two months ago.

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him" - Isaiah 64:4.

So I wait Lord - with anticipation to see the fruit that will come from these trials. The growing of my friends in their knowledge of your character, the encouragement I receive from how they walk with you through these trials, the tighter clinging, from all of us, to the Cross each day.

"For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen" - Romans 11:34-35

So yes, through tears, through unanswered questions, Glory be to you Lord. You have not changed, you are Sovereign. Thank you for allowing me to see that and to truly believe those words, not just type them. That is grace.

Art Project

I'm hooked on Pinterest (a virtual bulletin board where you can pin all sorts of ideas) and I found this artwork on there and decided to make my own.

"It is Well with My Soul" by Horatio G. Spafford is one of my favorite hymns and has come to mean even more to me over the past year and half, so using it in some art is a perfect addition to my home.

I started with a 11 X 14 canvas that I got on sale at Aaron Brothers (2-pack for $7!). All the other supplies I already had (finally a good use for all the sample cans of paint I have!)

All yellow!

Using my Cricut, I cut out the letters and fixed them with temporarily removable adhesive. The blue color I wanted was actually in the form of spray paint. Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I should have just spray painted the canvas, but I wanted brushy strokes on the canvas and for some yellow to show through, hard to achieve when just spraying. So, I sprayed the paint into a plastic container so I could dip the brush in it...

That was messy (my nails are still blue-ish)

But it worked! Although, the temporarily removable adhesive was definitely temporary, and the letters moved with the brush...so a lot more blue showed up. Easily fixed by hand brushing some yellow in...

And voila! Finished product. I love it :)

(that nifty metal robot was an awesome Christmas present from my roomie...I named him something, but I don't remember what it was...)

Thank you Pinterest!

Oh here are the words to the hymn in case you are interested:

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well, with my soul,
     It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.

Anoint me

Love this from Susannah Spurgeon's "Free Grace and Dying Love":

(Inspired from Psalm 92:10 "you have poured over me fresh oil")

"Anoint me for service, Lord, in all I do for you, either directly or indirectly, there may be manifested the power of the Holy Spirit, and the wholehearted earnestness which only he can supply.

Anoint me for sacrifice, so that contrary to my sinful nature, self may be overcome, and bound, and crucified, that Christ alone may reign in my mortal body.

Anoint me for suffering, if so it be your will, that I may praise you as I pass through the waters and the fires of affliction.

Anoint me for intercession, Oh my father, that for others, as well as for myself, I may plead with you, and may prevail."

Yes, anoint me Lord.

Turkey Trot and Reindeer Run

It's just SO awesome to post about races. I am incredibly thankful to be running again.

My running buddy, Lisa, and I did the Turkey Trot 10k (6.2 miles) on Thanksgiving morning. This was an interesting race for both of us, because neither of us really trained for it. I had only run up to 3 miles due to joint issues and a sinus infection, and she hadn't worked out since she finished her Half-Ironman three weeks prior (so, really, I was the one who hadn't trained...she definitely was ready for it :) ).

Two days before the race, I went and bought new running shoes because I couldn't stand my current ones - they were too stiff around the ankle, and I was finding that any distance over two miles was really starting to hurt. I figured running 6 miles in new running shoes couldn't be any worse than running in the horrible contraptions of Mizunos I had...and I was right...the new Brooks Ghost felt great (although, now I think they hate my knees...might be back to the revamped Mizunos...). We ran the entire thing (me giving my hips and knees a pep talk around mile 5.5) and averaged a 10:51 mile. Not bad for no training! :)

Post race, warming up with some coffee

Today was the Reindeer Run 5k. This was my debut-back-to-running race last year, where I was only able to run the last mile. Today, I ran the entire thing and averaged a 10:16 mile! My awesome running buddy was sweet to remind me today, when we hit the point where we had starting running last year "remember this time last year?" :) Yeah I do. And I am so thrilled to be feeling better and staggered by how much I have grown spiritually and emotionally during the past year and a half. It's been tough, and I still take it one day at a time, but God has been faithful throughout.

Pre-race photo, sporting our now traditional socks and antlers :)

Dust and Water

My friend Jessica and I are reading through John Bunyan's "The Pilgrim's Progress". It was written in 1678, so the language brings a few challenges at times, but the descriptive illustrations are as applicable today as they were back then. I was floored today when I read about the room.

The main character, Christian, has a conversation with Interpreter while they are standing watching a man try to sweep a horribly dusty room. The room just gets more and more filled with dusty clouds as the man tries to sweep and clean, to the point that Christian starts coughing and has trouble breathing. Then a door to the room opens and a woman walks in and lightly sprinkles the room with water, and begins cleaning. The water, of course, settles the dust so that it can easily cleaned up. I'm going to summarize Interpreter's explanation of this to Christian, but I've copied the passage below and encourage you to take the time to read it because it's so good.

Interpreter tells Christian that the room is a man's heart and the dust is his sin. The act of sweeping is the Law (Old Testament and if you allow me the extension, our human methods of trying to better ourselves), the Law reveals dust but cannot clean the dust, it just moves it around to different piles in the room. The water that was sprinkled in the room is the Gospel, it clings to the sin, nullifies it, and is easily cleaned up, leaving the room fit for Christ to inhabit.

What a great reminder of the work of the Gospel in my heart! I was dusty and now I am not! And yet, the Gospel continually cleanses me, sweeping out those dust bunnies that collect, as He continues to grow me to be more like Him.- I can't cleanse myself from sin, but God can and I am so thankful for His grace.

Actual passage:

"The parlour (room) is the heart of a man that was never sanctified by the sweet grace of the Gospel; that dust is his original sin, and inward corruptions that have defiled the whole man. He that began to sweep at first is the Law, but she that brought water, and did sprinkle it, is the Gospel. Now, whereas thou sawest that so soon as the first began to sweep, the dust did so fly about that the room by him could not be cleansed, but that thou wast almost choked therewith, this is to show thee that the Law, instead of cleansing the heart (by its working) from sin, doth revive, put strength into, and increase it in the soul, even as it doth discover and forbid it, for it doth not give power to subdue.
Again, as thou sawest the damsel sprinkle the room with water, upon which it was cleansed with pleasure: this is to show thee that when the Gospel comes in the sweet and precious influences thereof to the heart, then I say, even as though sawest the damsel lay the dust by sprinkling the floor with water so is sin vanquished and subdued, and the soul made clean, through the faith of it; and consequently fit for the King of Glory to inhabit"

Ode to Flare (up)

(Nerd sidenote: thought this picture was appropriate cause of all the recent solar weather :) )

Flare-up. Or as most auto-immune disease sufferers say: a flare.

Flare-up (compliments of Webster)

1: a sudden outburst or intensification

2: a sudden bursting (as of a smoldering fire) into flame or light

Autoimmune diseases are interesting creatures. They vary incredibly from patient to patient. One can test positive for one disease and negative for another, yet still have symptoms of that disease. New symptoms can pop up and symptoms can disappear completely. A large majority of people with autoimmune symptoms thankfully live a large portion of their lives with minimal symptoms and then a flare occurs and you're just miserable.

When it comes to sharing about my disease, I always think: "should I really post this, is is too much information?".

But after realizing that I would tell everything that I post to anyone who asks (this isn't a secret!), I post:

1) To share what God teaches me through my disease
2) To help myself process what I learn through each up and down
3) To help people understand autoimmune disease better
4) To attempt to encourage those who are suffering, or who know someone who is suffering

I haven't had a flare since last fall (it was a LONG flare, but settled by January). However, I've been flaring for almost two weeks now. For me, a flare means my joints hurt, I run a low grade fever almost constantly, I start feeling worse as the day grows later and I have no energy. For me, which joints are affected changes from day to day. For this flare - it has been my fingers, wrists, toes, ankles, and shoulders (upper back), with a dose of my SI joints thrown in every few days or so. Flares can last days, weeks, months. It is always different and you never know exactly what to expect or when your immune system is going to start behaving again.

I am thankful that my flares only worsen in the evening, which means I can still be productive at work and feel fairly normal until about 4pm (woot for being a natural morning person!). I've found morning workouts are okay as long as they are not too intense and I stagger them every other day; in fact, they help work out some of the joint stiffness. I crawl into bed around 7 or 730pm because usually I am hurting so bad by then that it takes awhile to fall asleep and I usually wake up during the night hurting. I curtail evening activities, because while I have gotten pretty good at pretending I feel okay so I can still have a decent social life during flares, it does take a lot out of you!

For this flare, my rheumatologist put me on some oral steroids for two weeks (IV steroids didn't work last time and we're still not sure if my usual steroid injections helped in making my back go all wonky). Four days into the steroids, I've seen a slight improvement...not as great as I would have hoped. The next step is tweaking my immuno-suppressive meds - according to the doc I still have a lot of wiggle room. But we just tweaked them last year too...I don't like it when my body destabilizes so quickly. Silly body.

I've noticed during this flare, that I am handling it better spiritually and emotionally. Trusting God more, not getting as frustrated when I have to cancel hanging out with a friend 'cause I just don't feel like putting on a smile-mask anymore. Taking one day at a time and doing what I can each day. Now, I am not perfect. Oh no. Believe me, there have been some tearful nights lately where I just HURT and I am sick of the struggle. But God is good to remind me that there is a reason for all of this (of course, He hasn't revealed that yet, but there is still peace in the thought :) ). I am learning so much about Him. He doesn't give me more than He and I can handle. And His plan is more incredible than I could ever imagine. So I focus on that when I start hurting really bad (and then pray to fall asleep REALLY quickly ;) ).

So, here's to this flare ending shortly. Don't take good health for granted. Do what you can.