Turkey! - Part One

Why Turkey?

It's a place that has been on my "to visit" list since at least 2006 (I made it public knowledge with a "5 Places" post in 2008 :)), but how did it get on my list?

It's not what you think.

No, really, it's not.

What caught my attention, what set that bit in my brain of "oh my goodness, I want to go there!"...was a picture of...shoes. Yup, you got it. Shoes. Rows and rows of brightly colored and sequined shoes for sale in the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul. Something like this:

I know, I know, I am incredibly deep. Be amazed.

Insert eyeroll at myself.

I was in Heathrow airport in 2006, trying to stay awake through a long layover before catching my flight to Prague and I went into a bookstore. There was the travel section. There was the book with the picture of the shoes, and the title was "Istanbul."

Thankfully, shoes are not the only reason I went - as my knowledge of Turkey has grown over the years through reading books on the Silk Road and Turkey's history, taking an Ancient Church History class, and studying Ephesians.

This country did not disappoint. Vibrant culture, hospitable people, delicious food, the ability to push me outside of my comfort zone with some interesting travel adventures. It was an absolutely amazing trip and I am so thankful that the Lord has sustained my health both before and during the trip. I felt really good and for the first time in over a year, I felt strong.

Boarding pass to Istanbul, check!

My awesome friend and travel buddy, Erin, and I flew into Istanbul. Passport control was an exercise in patience, as we stood in line for about 3 hours to get our visas and our passports stamped. After catching the metro to the area our hotel was in and then rolling our suitcases around (you'll be proud, I only took a carry-on size suitcase - it weighed 24lbs!) to find the hotel, we only had time to wander down the street, grab some tasty Turkish food for a meal, and then crash for the night.

We only had one full day in Istanbul before our next flight, so we hit the main sights - the Blue Mosque, Aya Sofya, a boat cruise on the Bospohorus river. Lots of walking around Istanbul and just soaking in the different culture, tasty treats (um, halva, fig, and Turkish Delight munching while strolling through the park around Topkapi Palace? Yes please!)

The Blue Mosque (top) and the Aya Sofya (bottom)

The Bosphorous boat cruise was a bit longer than we planned. The boat ended up stopping at the far end of the cruise, in a little nothing-to-see village for almost 3 hours. We made the best of our time there and hiked up (literally up...not sure what the grade was on this hill, but both our calves were burning by the end!) this massive hill to a castle. The castle wasn't impressive, but the panoramic view of the Bosphorus was. It was pretty hot, so we cooled off with some pistachio ice cream and apple tea and enjoyed the view. The boat cruise ended just at sunset and I made the best attempt I could of capturing the minaret silhouettes.

The next morning, we woke up early, checked out the Spice Bazaar and made mental notes of what to buy (we decided against lugging a bunch of stuff around and planned to come back before our flight home), and headed to the airport to fly to Izmir.

The Izmir leg started out a bit rough for me...despite taking my motion sickness meds, the descent was full of dutch-roll, and I high-tailed it to the bathroom after landed...and now I can add another country to my "places I have yakked"list.  Thankfully, the stomach settled after sipping on a can of Sprite I managed to find in the airport and I handled the bus ride to the hotel just fine.

Izmir was not what I expected. But I will save that for part two...

One year later...musings and summation

I realized this past week that it has been exactly one year since some tests results showed my innards were all torn up, cause unknown. A whole year. It seems longer than that, not because time has dragged, but because of all I have learned and how I have grown over that time.

The stomach pain is oh so much better theses days! Some days, it's not even there. On the worst days, it's still not comparable to what last fall was like.  I still take a strong daily pain med, but recently got a prescription that will allow me to attempt reducing the dosage. A missed prescription refill a couple of months ago quickly showed me that I can't go completely off the pain med yet, but here's hoping to reduce the amount I need to keep the pain under the "noticeable" threshold. Baby steps! (Still no smoking gun on the cause, but I've got a theory that's soon to be tested and of course, the lupus is a major suspect).

I seem to be responding well to the Benlysta and I feel that my lupus is more controlled than it was a year ago. In fact, :exciting news: I have reduced the dosage of one of my immuno-supressive meds by half! It's taken eight months to slowly reduce it to see how my body reacts, but so far, doing pretty well. I say pretty well, because I tried the next step of reduction recently, and my body didn't like that, so waiting for this minor flare-up to settle and to just stick to my current dosage for now. I am ridiculously excited to not be taking such a mega dose of this medicine, so praise God for progress! :)

While predictability has been such a welcome reprieve, I continue to take one day at a time because things do go wonky from time to time and I think "whoa, what happened here?" It's a reminder that this thing called lupus and autoimmune diseases are not predictable and oh-so-sensitive to...pretty much everything :). And a reminder to not put my trust in patterns or predictability.

In my mind, the most impacting result of this last year, is the still and quiet place that the Lord has grown in me. That, my friends, is the most amazing, wonderful thing that has happened to this gal who always read the verse "gentle and quiet spirit" (1 Peter 3:3-4)  or "be still" (Psalm 46:10) and threw her hands up, knowing that her crazy, energetic, fast-talking personality would never allow her to be that way.  I've learned that quiet and stillness isn't a reflection of personality or physical action. It doesn't mean I sit there and do nothing, or never talk (pretty sure pigs will fly when that happens :) ) but it means that when things are crazy around me, when my sense of control (yes, it is a "sense") is lost, there is a deep-rooted center in me that is calm, still, and quiet. Waiting. Ears and heart open to the Teaching that is to come. To the Discipline that is to be learn. To the Love that is to be experienced.

Yes, there are still moments where I think, "hmm, maybe I was mistaken", when my thoughts and heart are all a-thunder with doubts and frustrations. And let's face it, gentleness is still a work in progress. But He brings me back. He "calms the raging storm." He is my quietness and my stillness, forged from a trust in Him that He has grown in me.  Oh, how I sought for this and tried to make it happen on my own terms (hello December, January, and February), but He has taught me, yet again, that His ways are better and His timing perfect. Nothing that I could accomplish, but only Him.

Do I wish this last year had been different? YES. A resounding YES complete with blinky font and lights. I despise pain, suffering, feeling miserable, and the isolation that all of that sometimes brings. But, I can honestly say that I don't know how else I could have been pulled so far out of myself, so completely stripped and made raw, for Him to do the refining work and instructing He needed to, without the events of this past year. So, I wouldn't change it (I may try to blot it out from time to time ;-) ), but I wouldn't change it. What grace.

Summation

Stripped

Red, raw, bleeding

Endless flowing tears and pain unceasing

Aching, groaning, ripping, tearing

Floundering...flailing...

crawling, grasping

broken, arms thrown, surrender

Waiting

Tugging, closing, wounds stitched together

Presence, soothing

listening, seeds planted, growing

roots deepen

Breathing, resting

steadiness reborn, stronger

coolness, quiet, beauty from ashes

Him, not me

What grace.

Fun reading books

I've been busy with some house projects and vacation (a vacation that didn't allow a lot of time for reading!) but I managed to tackle these three fiction books that I definitely recommend:

1. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

While sitting in the movie theater, about to watch Star Trek Into Darkness, the trailer for "Ender's Game" played...and I turned to my friends and said "now that looks like a GREAT movie." They stared at me and about three of them said at the same time, "You've never read the book!?" So, of course, I borrowed the book from one of them and seriously cannot believe I have never read it before now.

The first 30-50 pages were a bit disturbing for me...it's Earth after aliens attack and kiddos are being genetically engineered to be soldiers. And six year olds talk like soldiers...not exactly the type of language (both in word and content) that you would expect coming from a little kid, so that bothered me a bit...but by about page 50, something changed and I couldn't put the book down (I read it in one evening). I found out later it is required reading for the United States Marines...and I understand why. The book is all about military strategy, loyalty, calmness in the face of adversity, and clarity during high  pressure situations. Don't want to say too much, because that will give some things away. Just know, it's fun, unexpected, and a great read. Go read it before the movie comes out!

2. Autumn in Esereth, (The Esereth Chronicles, Volume 1) by Molly Meyer-Allyn

This book was a surprise. A mixture of space (and in a way, time) travel, medieval practices, and aliens. And it's a mix that works. I sped through the last pages...only to find a cliffhanger and desperately hoping the author is already printing out the second book! Without revealing too much,  Sara finds a book, and with a flash of light, her entire life and world is changed. Finding herself in the middle of an imminent civil war, Sara must determine her role, discern between the perspectives of the warring sides, and make a choice that is brutal in its finality. The character development is vibrant at times. Balu, a young boy who befriends Sara, and Hecate, the mysterious healer, practically leap off the pages with their endearing and quirky personalities, I could honestly see them in my mind. This is a fun read that touches on some deep philosophical questions regarding human nature and our purpose. Looking forward to seeing how this story unfolds.

3. 100 Cupboards by N.D. Wilson

This book is wonderful. If you loved using your imagination as a kid, you will love this book. If you always wished you had an imagination, you will love this book. Twelve-year old Henry has to spend the summer with relatives in a house that isn't all what it seems. On his first night there, he discovers a wall filled with cupboard doors...but what are they? Or rather...where do they lead to? This book is down-right fun! I laughed out loud, remembered what it was like to be a kid on adventures, and got completely drawn into the story. The conversations between the characters are so vivid and real, I felt like I was standing by them watching their interaction. This is the first book in a three-part series and I cannot wait to start on the second one! 

Wakeboarding in PA!

At the beginning of July, I went on vacation with a group of friends who also happen to be my coworkers. Our joint vacation planning started one day while sitting in our cubes...I was just about to go to PA (or just got back...can't remember) and my cubemate, Cory, and I started talking about all the awesome Amish/PA food in the area where I visited (my friends live about 20 minutes from the town Cory grew up in). My other cubemate, Pooja, decided that she wanted to try Amish food...and then Cory mentioned that he and his wife were going to PA in the summer for vacation and we should all come up and go wakeboarding at his dad's place on the river.

So our wakeboarding in PA trip was born.

We all had such a blast on the river and doing some touristy sightseeing in a small town nearby, Lititz.

Apparently Lititz was voted "America's Coolest Small Town." It was pretty cool...

The theme of our Litiz day was food: old-school candy, pretzel, wine, beer, chocolate, and then finishing up with a stop at my favorite Amish restaurant, Katie's Kitchen, in Strausburg for cheeseburger soup and apple dumplings. We definitely need the time on the water to work all of that food off! :)

There was a ton of laughter...face plants in the water as Cory and his friend Tim showed amazing patience and teaching skills as we all tried to wakeboard. Wakeboarding is like water-skiing except with one board...kinda like snowboarding on water while being pulled by a boat. After being uber impressed with  Cory and Tim's somersaults and flips, we all struggled just to stand up for a few seconds at time, it's waaay harder than it looks! Lisa, Purav, and Erin rocked it and were able to stand and be pulled for a long time!

I.loved.it.

I wasn't able to get fully "up"...I preferred the "crouching" position ;-) and only lasted seconds before crashing (spectacularly at times...on my head), but I did get out of the water, which the guys were saying is the hardest part. I really enjoy water sports and there are some wakeboarding parks in the Houston area...we've all been talking about going there to get better at it. I really want to standup for a bit :)

The River Gang :)

It was such a fun trip!

Creepy crawlies

This is a random post, but my experience last night made me giggle, so I figured I would share it with you all. :)

Anyone ever have bug dreams? Like dreams where bugs are attacking them or crawling on them or anything like that?

I had forgotten my history of spider dreams until last night. I woke up convinced that a giant spider had just descended onto my pillows. My reaction was to scoot under the covers to the end of the bed and crawl out and run to turn on the lights. My two cats stared squintly at me as I rustled the covers around, my heart-pounding, pretty sure it was just a dream but not completely convinced. There was no ginormous spider of course. But the dream reminded me of a funny moment from my last year in college.

I shared a townhouse with my bestie, her sister, Katrina, and her brother, Anthony. I woke up, dreaming that a momma spider had her babies on the ceiling, which then all fell down onto my bed. I did a heebie-jeebie dance to brush them off of me as I ran to the lightswitch and flung open my bedroom door. Anthony and Katrina looked up from their video game playing as I half screeched- half gasped "there are spiders in my bed!" Bless their hearts, they both came into my room and helped me rustle the covers to search for the culprits. Talk about good roomies :).

I had several more spider dreams in that townhouse, all of them resulting in a panicked rush to the lightswitch and rustling of covers to make sure it was really a dream (seriously, these spider dreams are very real!). After a ten-year hiatus, the spider dreams are back.

Blah. Spiders.

Feel free to comment with your bug dream experiences :)

The Therapy Room

At the end of every month, I take a half day off of work and head to the Houston medical center and my rheumatologist's office, where a room full of recliners, pillows, warm blankets, and IV poles awaits me. My infusion nurse, Jessie, takes my weight, blood pressure, and temperature (my meds are calculated according to my weight and if my temperature is too high, it could be dangerous for me to get meds since the meds suppress my immune system even further). I pick a recliner to lounge in and Jessie starts the twenty minute process to dissolve my meds in some solution. My IV is started and the very slow drip starts. We had to slow the drip down about four months ago because my infusions were starting to hurt. My veins have built up scar tissue from the number of sticks and IVs, and infusions can be pretty uncomfortable if the drip rate is too fast. Thankfully, a slower drip rate has made the infusions pretty much painless. But, the slow drip rate means sitting in that recliner for three hours as the biological cell-killing meds drip into my veins.


All around the room are other infusion patients, at various stages of their infusion, reading books, napping, and usually, chatting with other patients.

Many of us are on the same monthly schedule, so there are familiar faces, lives lived over the past month to catch up on and ample time to commiserate, share, and encourage one another in the health trials we are all walking through.

I've talked with a woman in her eighties, all dolled out in flashy bling, who has rheumatoid arthritis that has stolen away her ability to play her beloved piano during the late afternoons when her loneliness is the worst. We talked about other things that she might be able to try when the sun started its descent that would still bring distraction and memories of happier times.

I've spoken with a man in his early forties with neural sarcoidosis, who recently had a port installed (a semi-permanent IV near the collarbone to allow those who need frequent needle sticks to save their veins). We talked about our mutual love of travel, although he was now confined to the forty-eight states due to the complications of his diseas. His envy that I was still working was apparent and saddening...his disease had debilitated him to the point of not being able to function at work, and he spoke of all the friends he had lost, they didn't understand why he had to cancel plans so often, or why he wouldn't hang out like he used. "It's not that I wouldn't, it's just that I couldn't, or can't" he stated sadly, "you know how it is." I hesitated at first, not wanting to rub salt into a wound, but decided to press ahead, "well, I do know the frustration of having to constantly cancel plans because the Disease decides to mess up your plans, but I've been blessed with incredibly understanding and curious friends and family. I'm thankful for that." He smiled, again sadly, "wow, you're lucky." He paused for a moment, then starting telling me about his amazing wife, how she supports and sticks with him through the ups and downs. "Yeah, I'm lucky to have her." You are blessed sir, very blessed.

Last month, a woman in her late thirties hobbled slowly into the room and painfully lowered herself into her recliner. "Rough day?" one of the patients asked her. Nodding slowly, eyes filling with tears, she uncorked the last month of pain and suffering, sharing with the only people who can truly understand her frustration, discomfort, and at times, hopelessness. Not missing a beat, every single person in that room started offering suggestions, different pain meds that have worked for them, diet changes, specialist recommendations. She pulled a notebook out of her purse and started scribbling down the information that was flooding her way. She looked up and smiled for the first time since walking in the room. "Thank you all so much. I love coming here, because you all understand what this is like. It's like group therapy in this room!" We all laughed.

My infusion is tomorrow and I'm nursing swollen fingers, ankle, shoulder, and hip joints right now, taking tylenol to keep my fever down and thinking about who I will see tomorrow at my appointment. My infusion buddy Candace moved her appointment time so that she would start hers at the same time as me (she usually comes in at the tail end of mine). She has spondyloarthropathy (an autoimmune disease that affects the spine), is a preschool director at a local church, and has one son in the Navy and the other at Texas A&M. She has a Texas drawl and is always smiling and telling everyone she is a troublemaker (this woman has had more leaking issues with her IVs than anyone I've seen :) ). I'm looking forward to catching up with her.

Infusions have become more than just getting relief from the lupus symptoms that creep back in as the previous infusion wears off. It's a time to rest, sit, visit, and reflect on all that I do have in my life, the blessings, the small things I can be thankful for, and to be able to share, as opportunities come up and people ask, what He has done in my life. I walk away every month with a list of new prayer requests to pray for, to take my mind off of myself, and intercede on the behalf of others. And for me, that is the real therapy in that room.

Four

Plus four, minus four

Two months to creep up

Four days to plummet down

Hope sags

No rest, constant alertness

Procrastination is not a word

Carpe diem or nothing

No margin for error

Just once to be normal

The rope so thin, dare not stray

Perfection desired but humanness wins

Just be content. Content. CONTENT.

Frail flesh, strong heart

Jaw set, the thorn in

Press on, press on

By grace alone, by Him alone

I see a roadblock, but He sees the whole race.

Arlington, 7, China, running, women's ministry

The post title summarizes the last slew of books I've recently read :)

On Hallowed Ground: The Story of Arlington National Cemetery by Robert M. Poole

I bought this book for Kindle off of the "Books under $3.99" about a year ago. This book was FANTASTIC. When I visited Washington DC (er...9 years ago now :) ), Arlington Cemetry was one of my favorite places. Probably weird to say that about a cemetery, but I loved the history, thought, care, and precision reflected throughout the grounds. Robert M. Poole does an amazing job of telling the story of Arlington: how it went from being Robert E. Lee's personal property to a cemetery out of desperation to rid DC of an overabundance of Civil War dead, to how each of the Unknown Soldiers for each war were selected, how the burial of John F. Kennedy dramatically increased the annual visitors to Arlington, to how the Pentagon almost ended up being on part of Arlington. Over 150 years of history are told in a storytelling voice that makes you forget you are learning history and instead feeling like Arlington itself is a living, breathing character. Definitely worth a read if you like history or military history.

7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I laughed out loud reading this book. My friend Christina told me I HAD to read this...and I am so glad I did...and now I say, you HAVE to read this. Jen Hatmaker lives in Austin and was convicted that there were some areas in her life where there was just TOO much of stuff. So she decided to tackle seven areas that were the most troublesome. As a foodie, she thought too much about food, ate too much, loved food too much. So she picked seven foods and ate only those for a month. The next month, clothes was the area (327 items in her closet). She picked seven and only wore those for a month. So on and so forth through all seven of the areas. Ms. Hatmaker journals throughout each month, documenting her thoughts, her experiences, and how others react to and support her...eccentric plan of 7. She is outrageously funny, honest, and real. You can imagine catching up with her over a cup of coffee. She states clearly at the beginning of the book that she didn't write it to make anyone feel guilty or to show how amazingly disciplined she is (she isn't she has bumps along the way), but warns she can't be blamed if you are also convicted about excesses in your life if you read it :). Love this book. Ms Hatmaker isn't just funny, but poignant, deep, and serious about why she is tackling these areas of excess and what she learns through each month. Loved how it made think about things that I've never spent much time pondering. Great read, challenging content. I think you will enjoy it.

The Little Woman by Gladys Aylward

After being introduced to Gladys in "Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God," I realized I wanted to read more details of her life and story. Called to China, with little education, no formal training, hardly any money, and no knowledge of the Chinese language, Gladys' journey to Yangcheng, China in the early 1930s is harrowing, inspiring, and a little bit crazy :). It also clearly shows that when the Lord wants someone somewhere, heaven and Earth are moved to make it happen. Her boldness, trust, faith and honesty as she lives in China during war, famine, and the start of the Communist regime, speak clearly through the pages, written in a simple (not simple-dumb, just every day honest speaking) voice. An encouraging read on trusting God even in the most seemingly impossible situations.

Running for My Life by Lopez Lomong

My friend Brian is running the Hood to Coast relay race this August to raise money for Lopez Lomong's cause, 4 South Sudan. As part of his fundraising, he sent out a copy of Lopez's book, with instructions to read it and pass it along to someone else. Lopez Lomong is one of the Lost Boys of Sudan. Stolen from his parents when he was six years old, his journey to escape from those who tried to force him to become a child soldier, survival in a refugee camp, and finally his adoption at age 16 into an American family, is eye-opening, touching, and real. You may remember Lopez as the US flag bearer in the Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics.  Yup, Lopez went from being a Lost Boy of Sudan to an Olympic athlete and his story and heart for Sudan are inspiring and take-action provoking. A great story of struggle, survival, redemption, and the desire to pay it forward.

Women's Ministry in the Local Church by Ligon Duncan and Susan Hunt

My pastor asked me to read this as I am currently praying about this topic (women's ministry) and how I might be able to serve in my church in this area. Exciting and scary at the same time...eek. I really enjoyed this book because to be honest, not really knowing what women's ministry is about (having never been involved in a women's program before), I was thinking that women's ministry was...fluffy. Let's get together and eat little cookies and drink tea and..talk? I dunno, that's just the imagine I had in my head. I am silly, I know. Anyhow, this book talked about how women's ministry is about digging deep into the Bible, studying, understanding biblical womanhood and how this impacts our daily lives, both at home and in the church family. It's anything but fluffy. And that's what I am desiring...for women who are busy with families, careers, the normal daily stresses to be able to step back and spend some time studying, growing, encouraging one another, and growing to know and love God more deeply together, not as a separate entity from the church, but as part of the church. I've got about 48.2 bazillion ideas right now...continuing to pray through the end of May before meeting with my pastors again to discuss how this may (or may not) unfold.

Rediscovering reading

Although I consider myself an avid reader, I've found that I go through "extreme" phases of reading: from reading almost non-stop to taking months to labor through one book (as my book club partner has discovered :) ). After a several months long dry spell, the reading non-stop bug has bit again and I am thoroughly enjoying it!

Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis

My friend Leslie and I started a book club...it's just the two of us right now, but we are enjoying it. This was the first book that we tackled and I was thrilled because it had been on my list for awhile. It's C.S. Lewis' retelling of Cupid and Psyche's story (Greek mythology) told from the perspective of Psyche's sister, Orual. Amazing writing, plot, character development. The book is broken into two parts and the second was challenging - I read it twice to try and figure out exactly what was going on (it's hard to discern if Orual is dreaming or really experiencing the situations she describes). Definitely enjoyed this one.

The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

This was the second book that Leslie and I tackled. Almost 900 pages of Russian literature. One of my favorite books is Crime and Punishment (also by Dostoevsky) so I was excited to start another of his that has been collecting dust on my "to read" stack. As with most of the Russian literature I have read Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Solzhenitsyn), the story isn't limited to the plot, but each of the characters expounding on religion, politics, and the state of society. The plot centers around three brothers, their issues with their father, each other, and murder. It provides a glimpse into what life what like during Dostoevsky's time and encourages the reader to ponder society then and now. The characters are over-the-top dramatic and I found myself wanting to smack them upside the head and tell them to get a hold of themselves :). They are well-developed, and I found myself, liking, despising, caring, and relating to several of them, but the drama was a bit too much for me. The length of the book wasn't too intimidating, since Dostoevsky is a talented story-teller and not too many parts drag, but I much prefer Crime and Punishment.

Faithful Women and their Extraordinary God by Noel Piper

I cannot say enough good things about this book. It's a collection of mini-biographies of women missionaries through the years, their struggles, and how the Lord provided above and beyond anything they could imagine and in some of the most dire and dangerous situations. The gut-punch quote of this book from Mrs. Piper: " I ask myself and you: what is it that keeps us from venturing into something that God has been putting in front of us? What is it that causes us to say "I can't possibly do that?" What am I afraid of? What do I lack? What are my weaknesses?...If we think we can't do what God is asking us to do, we're right. But God can." An inspirational, thought-proking, and spirit-lifting reminder of the sovereignty of God.

The Maze Runner Trilogy (The Maze Runner, The Scorch Trials, The Death Cure) by James Dashner

I literally read one of these books per day - I absolutely flew through them thanks to Mr. Dashner's amazing ability to make one turn the pages at lightning speed with a complicated, layered, and twisting plot and mysterious and believable characters. Along the lines of "The Hunger Games" and "Divergent", this is another young adult Dystopian society series. Out of the three series, I've enjoyed "Divergent" the most and his one probably ties with "The Hunger Games" because of the ending. I appreciate authors who can make those tough plot decisions and take a risk. The Maze Runner trilogy is more gruesome and scary than the other trilogies - I believe because of the content matter (a devastating disease is involved) and possibly because it's written by a man and the main character is male, just a different perspective than the other two series. I would read this at night and actually found myself jumping when the house creaked because I was in an intense and disturbing part of the book :). These are a great, fun, and quick read...and apparently a 4th book, a prequel, is in the works. Woot.

Counsel from the Cross by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Dennis E. Johnson

I picked this up at a conference last year to better educate myself on counseling others, as I was working with a couple of friends who were in challenging situations that were very much outside my realm of experience and ending up finding myself being counseled by this book! The emphasis on this book is bringing the focus of of a situation back to the cross and how it relates to Christ and where that person is in his/her relationship to Him. The importance of bringing things back to the Cross is stated clearly in this quote from the book: "We need to hear it (the gospel) again because if we have forgotten His work on our behalf, it will skew the way we think of Him, the way we think of ourselves, and the way we think of others." Highly recommend this book to help with counseling others and/or for yourself. 

Filling out the house

Even though I've been in my house for three years now (!!!), it is definitely still a work in progress. I like adding things slowly and getting a feel for what I want in certain spaces. I've been happy with the results thus far, so I figure I will stick with this pace.

The living room needed something else...and I stumbled upon an IKEA hack of the VITTJSO glass and metal shelves. They are a black-brown and I wanted something more industrial looking and I loved what people where doing to them with just spray paint.

I chose a hammered silver spray paint. Two cans later...some awesome shelves that I think really help to fill up the room more.

Pre-spray paint (ignore my seriously messy garage...cleaning/organizing it is on this year's spring cleaning list)

All hammered-silvery!

See? Much more filled out now. :)

I've also been searching for about a year for a mid-century style armchair for my bedroom. I wanted a reading nook and I was quite picky about the chair...I was going for a certain look and needed to be able to sit in it with my legs/feet curled up into it (um, that's how I like to read :) ). After scouring craigslist for months, and other furniture websites...I began to think that it was a lost cause...until my friends and I happened to go to IKEA and I saw the STRANDMON chair and ottoman. ANd it was comfy! And I could curl up in it! And so, it is now part of my reading nook, along with my craigslist lamp and mid-century table :) It's been getting a LOT of use.

So cozy...

Duct tape rocks!

My sewing skills are extremely limited. As in, I can never remember how to even thread the machine that I have. At most, I've sewn about 5 straight-ish lines in my life. That being said, I was extremely excited when my favorite DIY blog posted about making your own faux roman shades WITHOUT sewing. I've been wanted to do roman shades in the breakfast nook and kitchen but was intimidated by the need for sewing.

This is where the duct tape comes in.

The DIY blog used some fancy fabric-y white tape. I used good-old-tried-and-true duct tape.

Faux roman shades assembled with duct tape, pins, and no-sew-iron-hem tape. 

Duct tape rocks.

I searched for this fabric for almost two years. It's "Cecilia" from IKEA and they were always out of stock when I went there. I finally snagged 4 yards, measured, and hemmed using iron-on hemming tape.

My blinds are vinyl and at the top, there is a wider vinyl piece that hides where the blinds are attached to the window frame. I literally just duct taped the fabric to the vinyl piece. This is from where the faux roman shade will hang.

I then started pinning 4-inch folds to get the "roman" look. This took a bit to get everything even and lined up.

Mid-folding and pinning

Voila! Faux roman shades! You can't see the tape, you can't see the pins. Amazing.

I love them. And duct tape.

Um, chewing is awesome.

Yes folks, I have a new appreciation for my teeth and jaw and the act of chewing one's food. After being on a liquid/mushy food diet for a little over three months, my stomach has been able to tolerate small amounts of solid foods for the past two weeks. Chewing your food rocks.

After some major issues during my Italy trip, I went through another series of tests and poking and prodding in December and January. Eating had become so painful that I couldn't keep anything solid down. So I put myself on a liquid/pureed food diet with my doc's support. Pureed foods even over Christmas. You should have seen the look on my family's face as I blended the Christmas ham with other side dishes into a color that should not be eaten and then proceed to slurp it down. It actually was tasty. Truly. As long as you didn't look at it :).

The last gastroparesis test was normal, a good thing, but definitely not helpful in figuring out why I am having such trouble eating. Several other tests were fairly normal...no "smoking guns" as to what the culprit is. My GI doc and rheumo doc are conversing and we've done some additional tests for rarer auto-immune diseases. All normal thus far. It never ceases to amaze me what we can do with medical technology and...how much more I wish we could do with it. Seriously, someone needs to invent the tricorder. Now please. But I do appreciate how my docs think outside the box and work together. It is such a blessing and help.

I'm happy to report that January and February were, in general, good months in the sense that things have stabilized and been consistent. My pain levels are tolerable. Even if I sleep through my 2:30am "take your pain med alarm," and take the med hours later, it is able to catch up with the pain after about 4 hours, which was not the case a few months ago when a missed pain med dose usually meant the entire day in bed, so that is a huge improvement.

My lupus flared a few weeks ago. It was my first flare since starting the new medicine in June and it was pretty rough. I couldn't walk much due to the joint inflammation and my stomach pain got pretty bad too. The nurse at the rheumo doc's office probably thought I was crazy because I was so excited that both my stomach and my joints started hurting at the same time...but it's a really good data point to support my GI doc's theory that my GI stuff is all auto-immune related. A healthy dose of steroids stopped the flare after just two doses! And the stomach pain lessened as well. Another data point! And a huge victory that I was responsive to the steroids...it's been touch and go with how well they have been working.

My joints in general have been acting up more...most likely due to weaning myself off of one med (with the doc's approval of course). I'm back on it again (bummer), but if that's what I need right now, then I'll be a big girl and swallow my pills. Still waiting to see if the joints will settle down, but they are much much better than they were during the flare.

Still, my biggest excitement is eating solid food again. Small portions and not at every meal. But oh my goodness it is awesome to to chew again!

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into that woman - the one who only ever talks about her latest ailment.   I know I do talk about it quite a bit, but only because it's a big part of my life right now. Lord willing, that won't always be the case, or I'll learn how to balance things better, but I am so thankful to my friends and family that let me talk it out and listen and support, encourage, and pray for me. I have to make a lot of decisions sometimes at the doctor's office or over the phone with the insurance company, and it's nice to be able to share with someone the trades I had to make, or the concerns I have. I have so many wonderful listening ears and caring hearts in my life. And I have the Lord, who is with me always, even when it's just me sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in.

Thank you Lord, for your provision, sustaining grace in my life, patience with my ups and downs, and mercies. And for the quiet stillness that you allow me to find when everything else seems to be falling apart.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust" - Psalm 91:1-2

Bigger than a pattern

Not only was I just born with a natural bent toward recognizing patterns and trying to figure out why those patterns existed, but I've had almost fourteen years of intentional training on how to think logically, methodically, recognize patterns, draw conclusions, and predict results. The training of an engineer and my current profession of being a flight controller. So needless to say, that type of thinking, and rationalization factors into every aspect of my life, emotional and spiritual.

I like patterns. Apply certain stimuli, get a reaction. Increase or decrease the amount of that stimuli, the reaction changes proportionally. It's predictable. It's controllable. It's comforting.

But what if a pattern isn't desired? Bad behavior being repeated, or an experiment failing over and over again. It's a pattern, but not a welcome one. The pattern is no longer comforting, but discouraging. Each time the stimuli is applied, a different outcome is hoped for, but the logic remains and the same result takes place. Over and over. And the hope for a different result diminishes. The pattern is slowly accepted. Not welcomed, but reluctantly greeted. An unwanted guest that is tolerated. There are several patterns in my life, and I am sure in yours, that would fit into this category. Some are too close to my heart, so I'll use the one that you are all most familiar with: my health.

I tell someone I am feeling better. The pain has lessened. God is good. The next day, the next week, the pain increases, the joints swell, fever spikes. Really Lord?

The pattern. Over and over.

And the thought creeps in "what kind of game is this?"

The good news is, God doesn't play games. I know that because my merciful God has shown me this through hours of pouring over Scripture and journaling endless pages of prayers and thoughts over many years. He is faithful. He is sovereign. I can and do trust in Him. But the thought still comes. How does one continue to hope when the pattern, when all logic, shows that the outcome will continue to be the same? Up, down, up, down.

Do I hope to be healed? YES. When do I hope to be healed? NOW. No, YESTERDAY. But what if that doesn't happen...can I still hope? Can I still trust? What do I hope in? What do I trust in?

"The Lord is my portion" says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him"  - Lamentations 3:24

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you."  - Psalm 39:7

Hope for what? I get that I am supposed to hope in Him...but for what? (Stay with me...)

"He has transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins" - Colossians 1:13-14

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8

"But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus" - Ephesians 2:4-6

"because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" - Romans 10:9

That is the basis for my hope - not that I will have healing now...but one day, in heaven, I will be healed. Completely. Because He died for my sins and my life is with Him.

My logical brain searches for a pattern, something with a known result. My emotions attach themselves to knowledge of that pattern. And I fail constantly to see what is in front of me:

God is bigger than a pattern.

This overarching hope, eternal life with Him, a body healed and perfect, because of Him, is bigger than any pattern I can ever find - it breaks the pattern. It makes the pattern moot, trivial, unmentionable.

When confronted with the unknown, the insecure, the frightening, turn your eyes towards Him, towards the one hope that will never change, never waver, a known that doesn't need a pattern to prove it...yet He uses patterns of His faithfulness in Scripture to show us the hope we have in Him.

I was looking for the wrong pattern.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are in you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God" - Psalm 43:5.

Blinging out the cabinets

Over a year ago, I bought hardware for my cabinets. And I finally installed it over the past couple of weekends. Why did it take so long? Remember, it's my house...every project I tackle has some sort of story to go with it :)

The Hardware Saga:

I decided I wanted stainless steel bars for my cabinet hardware. Of course I would pick a pricey look...after pricing things out, there was no way I was going to spend so much money just for cabinet hardware. Enter IKEA. For literally a third of the cost of the hardware online or at local hardware stores, I picked up a blue bag full of LANSA drawer pulls. IKEA didn't carry the tiny ones I needed, but lo and behold, Target happened to have a package of four (which is what I needed) on clearance and I quickly snapped those up!

I measured and drilled the holes for one drawer and went to mount the hardware...and discovered that the screws were too short.

You see, IKEA drawers are comprised of only drawer box, whereas my cabinets had the drawer box PLUS a drawer front...so the IKEA screws were about 1/2" short. And it turns out, the IKEA hardware is metric, since it is an overseas company. And you can't buy longer screws. Anywhere. Believe me. A ridiculous amount of research (and many exasperated snorts of "why isn't everything in metric!?) is behind that conclusion. On to plan B for the drawers. Thankfully, the screws were sufficiently long for the cabinet doors (sneak peek below)

The tools necessary for the project (minus the iron of course :) ). And tunes, gotta have tunes. Thank you Mumford and Sons. Your Babel album is good work music.

A trick I picked up from my favorite DIY blog, painters tape captures the sawdust and makes cleanup much easier. I only taped a few doors (this one is over the stove/oven and I didn't want to clean up that mess) since the mess on the floor was easy to sweep up

Plan B:

I bought a 1/2" bore drill bit and preceded to bore two holes in each drawer so I could countersink the IKEA screws. 

About to bore...

Wahoo!!!

Yay it worked! The screw about to be countersunk...

The Finished Product:

Yeah, there's one missing, I miscounted and need to get one more pack of hardware...

I really like the finished look the hardware gives the cabinets. I'm not a fan of the cabinet color...I'd prefer white. But oak-y color they will stay. Next up is replacing the kitchen tile. It's going to be a shade lighter or so than the ceramic tile on the backsplash. One more light fixture and that will wrap up all the kitchen upgrades I plan to do. Slowly but surely checking off that to-do list!

Photo booth fun!

While I was hanging out with my most awesome nephews over the holidays,  we decided to play around with the Photo Booth program on my computer and had a great time making faces and giggling like crazy! John Michael and I have a tradition of making silly faces together...apparently I missed the memo that this would be a walrus-esque themed photo shoot. My bad. Carter was pretty cute about the whole thing...I think he was slightly nervous that he was actually turning into an alien, or bug, or twisty nose (or chipmunk, check out those cheeks!)...but he warmed up to the fun after a bit. Ah, love these boys!

Faces with Sissa

Um, Sissa, what are you turing me into? 

hehehe :)

Peaks and valleys

"It seemed to her at that moment that all the pain and postponement, all the sorrows and trials of the long journey she had made, were as nothing compared to the glory which shone before her"

"Much-Afraid stood still and stared. The more she looked, the more stunned she felt. Then she began to tremble and shake all over, for the whole mountain range before, as far as she could see to left and right, rose up in unbroken walls of rock so high that it made her giddy when she put her head back and tried to look up to the top"
                                              - from "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard

Peaks and valleys. The emotional and spiritual roller coaster of a trial. At times, the challenge seems conquerable, buffered by peace and quiet joy, and reminders of His faithfulness. Then the sudden drop. A frantic scrambling to grasp that which one knows to be true, fingers slipping on the slime of fear and doubt. The war rages. Whispers of hopelessness, lack of strength, and weakness weave their way through the mind, each whisper thread is challenged by Truth, speared intentionally and sometimes unintentionally from the foundation on which the heart rests. He is my hope. He is my strength. When I am weak, then I am strong. The battle continues, a finger slips. A cry for mercy. And the Word provides:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4

The whispers splinter, shattered by the light, a toe-hold is caught, the fingers renew their grip, the tired arms relieved, uncaring for how long, for the rest is welcomed without restraint. The spirit refreshed, still tired, still old, but now set with renewed determination, a jaw stubbornly jutting out, strengthened by a Power outside itself, by Him.

"When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you" - Isaiah 43:2.

Unfiltered

*I wrote this a few weeks ago and debated about posting...but I hope that someone is encouraged by this and that He will be visible through this post and the posts to follow about what He is teaching me*


It started with a phone call. A phone call that reported the results of a recent test were normal.

Normal.

Who would think that the word "normal" would bring on tears of frustration and despair? That it could create a gut-tightenen fear that it was back to the beginning, that the past five months of pain and suffering hadn't accomplished anything, that the same questions were still open, unanswered...maybe not answerable? Ever?

If the test is normal, why the pain, why the nausea, why the vomiting? That's not normal. How could the test be normal?

And then, bleakness. A stretch of gray, of fog. Numbness settles in. Not numbness to the pain that increases when eating, forcing a diet of liquid and pureed foods. No, it is a numbness to feeling, to processing the potential of what lies ahead - the continued journey to answer the questions. To find the source of the problem, of the pain. The inability to comprehend that a journey that had been seemingly coming to a close, HAD to be coming to a close, was torn wide open again. The threads of new healing ripped apart and the wound made red and raw.

I am not strong enough. Why does God think I am strong enough? I'm so tired. Surviving yes, but not thriving. Not moving forward. Stagnant. Perhaps trudging at times, but still the slowness, a fading.

How do I live a life I never wanted or asked for? How do I reconcile my hopes and dreams with His plan for me?

I know the answer. I fear the answer.

There is no reconciliation. Only change. He must change my heart.

I read the words "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - Psalm 16:1. Preserve me? Is that really what I want?

Further study reveals the definitions of "preserve" - "to keep safe from injury, harm, and free from decay" - no, that's not right...and then there is this: "to keep up and reserve for personal or special use". Yes. That's it. I am being "kept up" - not free from harm or injury, but sustained. For His purpose. Looking up "refuge" reveals "shelter from danger and distress, something to which one has recourse in difficulty." What's recourse? Recourse: a turning to something or something for help or protection. A source of help or strength. Yes, that is it as well. I seek a source of help, strength, and protection.

I find I can say those words now, "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - or rather, reworded per their definitions:

Keep me up, Oh God, and reserve me for your use, for in you I seek help, strength, and protection.

It's not an answer. But it is a start. A lessening of the numbness.

New art for the New Year

I figured a gray, drizzly, cold New Year's Day was just perfect for working on two new art projects for the dining room.

The first was inspired from something I saw on Pinterest. The person had put all the coins she had collected during her travels into a photo frame. I've collected quite a few coins from my travels and rather than storing them in various jars,  I decided to hot glue mine onto a 5 X 5 inch canvas.

I cut some brown cardstock to 5 X 5, hot glued it to the canvas, and then hot glued some ribbon I had on hand around the edge to dress it up. After coming up with a design for the coins (the coins are from Lativa, Russia, Czech Republic, Hungary, India, and Italy), I just hot glued those and voila! Art.

The second piece is comprised of pieces of terra cotta tiles I collected while on the beach in Cinque Terre. Same thing here - leaving the canvas bare, I glued a ribbon trim, came up with a design for the pieces, and hot glued those in place. 

I had already removed two black and white canvases from the dining room wall to make room for that oil painting you see in the bottom left corner...it's done by a local artist in Cinque Terre and it's of the town (Riomaggiore) that we stayed in.

Now every time I look at this wall, I will be reminded of the awesome travel adventures I have had thus far.

Christmas decorations put away for another year and new art up on the walls. Good start to the new year :).