Um, chewing is awesome.

Yes folks, I have a new appreciation for my teeth and jaw and the act of chewing one's food. After being on a liquid/mushy food diet for a little over three months, my stomach has been able to tolerate small amounts of solid foods for the past two weeks. Chewing your food rocks.

After some major issues during my Italy trip, I went through another series of tests and poking and prodding in December and January. Eating had become so painful that I couldn't keep anything solid down. So I put myself on a liquid/pureed food diet with my doc's support. Pureed foods even over Christmas. You should have seen the look on my family's face as I blended the Christmas ham with other side dishes into a color that should not be eaten and then proceed to slurp it down. It actually was tasty. Truly. As long as you didn't look at it :).

The last gastroparesis test was normal, a good thing, but definitely not helpful in figuring out why I am having such trouble eating. Several other tests were fairly normal...no "smoking guns" as to what the culprit is. My GI doc and rheumo doc are conversing and we've done some additional tests for rarer auto-immune diseases. All normal thus far. It never ceases to amaze me what we can do with medical technology and...how much more I wish we could do with it. Seriously, someone needs to invent the tricorder. Now please. But I do appreciate how my docs think outside the box and work together. It is such a blessing and help.

I'm happy to report that January and February were, in general, good months in the sense that things have stabilized and been consistent. My pain levels are tolerable. Even if I sleep through my 2:30am "take your pain med alarm," and take the med hours later, it is able to catch up with the pain after about 4 hours, which was not the case a few months ago when a missed pain med dose usually meant the entire day in bed, so that is a huge improvement.

My lupus flared a few weeks ago. It was my first flare since starting the new medicine in June and it was pretty rough. I couldn't walk much due to the joint inflammation and my stomach pain got pretty bad too. The nurse at the rheumo doc's office probably thought I was crazy because I was so excited that both my stomach and my joints started hurting at the same time...but it's a really good data point to support my GI doc's theory that my GI stuff is all auto-immune related. A healthy dose of steroids stopped the flare after just two doses! And the stomach pain lessened as well. Another data point! And a huge victory that I was responsive to the steroids...it's been touch and go with how well they have been working.

My joints in general have been acting up more...most likely due to weaning myself off of one med (with the doc's approval of course). I'm back on it again (bummer), but if that's what I need right now, then I'll be a big girl and swallow my pills. Still waiting to see if the joints will settle down, but they are much much better than they were during the flare.

Still, my biggest excitement is eating solid food again. Small portions and not at every meal. But oh my goodness it is awesome to to chew again!

Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into that woman - the one who only ever talks about her latest ailment.   I know I do talk about it quite a bit, but only because it's a big part of my life right now. Lord willing, that won't always be the case, or I'll learn how to balance things better, but I am so thankful to my friends and family that let me talk it out and listen and support, encourage, and pray for me. I have to make a lot of decisions sometimes at the doctor's office or over the phone with the insurance company, and it's nice to be able to share with someone the trades I had to make, or the concerns I have. I have so many wonderful listening ears and caring hearts in my life. And I have the Lord, who is with me always, even when it's just me sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in.

Thank you Lord, for your provision, sustaining grace in my life, patience with my ups and downs, and mercies. And for the quiet stillness that you allow me to find when everything else seems to be falling apart.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust" - Psalm 91:1-2

Bigger than a pattern

Not only was I just born with a natural bent toward recognizing patterns and trying to figure out why those patterns existed, but I've had almost fourteen years of intentional training on how to think logically, methodically, recognize patterns, draw conclusions, and predict results. The training of an engineer and my current profession of being a flight controller. So needless to say, that type of thinking, and rationalization factors into every aspect of my life, emotional and spiritual.

I like patterns. Apply certain stimuli, get a reaction. Increase or decrease the amount of that stimuli, the reaction changes proportionally. It's predictable. It's controllable. It's comforting.

But what if a pattern isn't desired? Bad behavior being repeated, or an experiment failing over and over again. It's a pattern, but not a welcome one. The pattern is no longer comforting, but discouraging. Each time the stimuli is applied, a different outcome is hoped for, but the logic remains and the same result takes place. Over and over. And the hope for a different result diminishes. The pattern is slowly accepted. Not welcomed, but reluctantly greeted. An unwanted guest that is tolerated. There are several patterns in my life, and I am sure in yours, that would fit into this category. Some are too close to my heart, so I'll use the one that you are all most familiar with: my health.

I tell someone I am feeling better. The pain has lessened. God is good. The next day, the next week, the pain increases, the joints swell, fever spikes. Really Lord?

The pattern. Over and over.

And the thought creeps in "what kind of game is this?"

The good news is, God doesn't play games. I know that because my merciful God has shown me this through hours of pouring over Scripture and journaling endless pages of prayers and thoughts over many years. He is faithful. He is sovereign. I can and do trust in Him. But the thought still comes. How does one continue to hope when the pattern, when all logic, shows that the outcome will continue to be the same? Up, down, up, down.

Do I hope to be healed? YES. When do I hope to be healed? NOW. No, YESTERDAY. But what if that doesn't happen...can I still hope? Can I still trust? What do I hope in? What do I trust in?

"The Lord is my portion" says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him"  - Lamentations 3:24

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you."  - Psalm 39:7

Hope for what? I get that I am supposed to hope in Him...but for what? (Stay with me...)

"He has transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins" - Colossians 1:13-14

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8

"But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus" - Ephesians 2:4-6

"because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" - Romans 10:9

That is the basis for my hope - not that I will have healing now...but one day, in heaven, I will be healed. Completely. Because He died for my sins and my life is with Him.

My logical brain searches for a pattern, something with a known result. My emotions attach themselves to knowledge of that pattern. And I fail constantly to see what is in front of me:

God is bigger than a pattern.

This overarching hope, eternal life with Him, a body healed and perfect, because of Him, is bigger than any pattern I can ever find - it breaks the pattern. It makes the pattern moot, trivial, unmentionable.

When confronted with the unknown, the insecure, the frightening, turn your eyes towards Him, towards the one hope that will never change, never waver, a known that doesn't need a pattern to prove it...yet He uses patterns of His faithfulness in Scripture to show us the hope we have in Him.

I was looking for the wrong pattern.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are in you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God" - Psalm 43:5.

Blinging out the cabinets

Over a year ago, I bought hardware for my cabinets. And I finally installed it over the past couple of weekends. Why did it take so long? Remember, it's my house...every project I tackle has some sort of story to go with it :)

The Hardware Saga:

I decided I wanted stainless steel bars for my cabinet hardware. Of course I would pick a pricey look...after pricing things out, there was no way I was going to spend so much money just for cabinet hardware. Enter IKEA. For literally a third of the cost of the hardware online or at local hardware stores, I picked up a blue bag full of LANSA drawer pulls. IKEA didn't carry the tiny ones I needed, but lo and behold, Target happened to have a package of four (which is what I needed) on clearance and I quickly snapped those up!

I measured and drilled the holes for one drawer and went to mount the hardware...and discovered that the screws were too short.

You see, IKEA drawers are comprised of only drawer box, whereas my cabinets had the drawer box PLUS a drawer front...so the IKEA screws were about 1/2" short. And it turns out, the IKEA hardware is metric, since it is an overseas company. And you can't buy longer screws. Anywhere. Believe me. A ridiculous amount of research (and many exasperated snorts of "why isn't everything in metric!?) is behind that conclusion. On to plan B for the drawers. Thankfully, the screws were sufficiently long for the cabinet doors (sneak peek below)

The tools necessary for the project (minus the iron of course :) ). And tunes, gotta have tunes. Thank you Mumford and Sons. Your Babel album is good work music.

A trick I picked up from my favorite DIY blog, painters tape captures the sawdust and makes cleanup much easier. I only taped a few doors (this one is over the stove/oven and I didn't want to clean up that mess) since the mess on the floor was easy to sweep up

Plan B:

I bought a 1/2" bore drill bit and preceded to bore two holes in each drawer so I could countersink the IKEA screws. 

About to bore...

Wahoo!!!

Yay it worked! The screw about to be countersunk...

The Finished Product:

Yeah, there's one missing, I miscounted and need to get one more pack of hardware...

I really like the finished look the hardware gives the cabinets. I'm not a fan of the cabinet color...I'd prefer white. But oak-y color they will stay. Next up is replacing the kitchen tile. It's going to be a shade lighter or so than the ceramic tile on the backsplash. One more light fixture and that will wrap up all the kitchen upgrades I plan to do. Slowly but surely checking off that to-do list!

Photo booth fun!

While I was hanging out with my most awesome nephews over the holidays,  we decided to play around with the Photo Booth program on my computer and had a great time making faces and giggling like crazy! John Michael and I have a tradition of making silly faces together...apparently I missed the memo that this would be a walrus-esque themed photo shoot. My bad. Carter was pretty cute about the whole thing...I think he was slightly nervous that he was actually turning into an alien, or bug, or twisty nose (or chipmunk, check out those cheeks!)...but he warmed up to the fun after a bit. Ah, love these boys!

Faces with Sissa

Um, Sissa, what are you turing me into? 

hehehe :)

Peaks and valleys

"It seemed to her at that moment that all the pain and postponement, all the sorrows and trials of the long journey she had made, were as nothing compared to the glory which shone before her"

"Much-Afraid stood still and stared. The more she looked, the more stunned she felt. Then she began to tremble and shake all over, for the whole mountain range before, as far as she could see to left and right, rose up in unbroken walls of rock so high that it made her giddy when she put her head back and tried to look up to the top"
                                              - from "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard

Peaks and valleys. The emotional and spiritual roller coaster of a trial. At times, the challenge seems conquerable, buffered by peace and quiet joy, and reminders of His faithfulness. Then the sudden drop. A frantic scrambling to grasp that which one knows to be true, fingers slipping on the slime of fear and doubt. The war rages. Whispers of hopelessness, lack of strength, and weakness weave their way through the mind, each whisper thread is challenged by Truth, speared intentionally and sometimes unintentionally from the foundation on which the heart rests. He is my hope. He is my strength. When I am weak, then I am strong. The battle continues, a finger slips. A cry for mercy. And the Word provides:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4

The whispers splinter, shattered by the light, a toe-hold is caught, the fingers renew their grip, the tired arms relieved, uncaring for how long, for the rest is welcomed without restraint. The spirit refreshed, still tired, still old, but now set with renewed determination, a jaw stubbornly jutting out, strengthened by a Power outside itself, by Him.

"When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you" - Isaiah 43:2.

Unfiltered

*I wrote this a few weeks ago and debated about posting...but I hope that someone is encouraged by this and that He will be visible through this post and the posts to follow about what He is teaching me*


It started with a phone call. A phone call that reported the results of a recent test were normal.

Normal.

Who would think that the word "normal" would bring on tears of frustration and despair? That it could create a gut-tightenen fear that it was back to the beginning, that the past five months of pain and suffering hadn't accomplished anything, that the same questions were still open, unanswered...maybe not answerable? Ever?

If the test is normal, why the pain, why the nausea, why the vomiting? That's not normal. How could the test be normal?

And then, bleakness. A stretch of gray, of fog. Numbness settles in. Not numbness to the pain that increases when eating, forcing a diet of liquid and pureed foods. No, it is a numbness to feeling, to processing the potential of what lies ahead - the continued journey to answer the questions. To find the source of the problem, of the pain. The inability to comprehend that a journey that had been seemingly coming to a close, HAD to be coming to a close, was torn wide open again. The threads of new healing ripped apart and the wound made red and raw.

I am not strong enough. Why does God think I am strong enough? I'm so tired. Surviving yes, but not thriving. Not moving forward. Stagnant. Perhaps trudging at times, but still the slowness, a fading.

How do I live a life I never wanted or asked for? How do I reconcile my hopes and dreams with His plan for me?

I know the answer. I fear the answer.

There is no reconciliation. Only change. He must change my heart.

I read the words "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - Psalm 16:1. Preserve me? Is that really what I want?

Further study reveals the definitions of "preserve" - "to keep safe from injury, harm, and free from decay" - no, that's not right...and then there is this: "to keep up and reserve for personal or special use". Yes. That's it. I am being "kept up" - not free from harm or injury, but sustained. For His purpose. Looking up "refuge" reveals "shelter from danger and distress, something to which one has recourse in difficulty." What's recourse? Recourse: a turning to something or something for help or protection. A source of help or strength. Yes, that is it as well. I seek a source of help, strength, and protection.

I find I can say those words now, "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - or rather, reworded per their definitions:

Keep me up, Oh God, and reserve me for your use, for in you I seek help, strength, and protection.

It's not an answer. But it is a start. A lessening of the numbness.

New art for the New Year

I figured a gray, drizzly, cold New Year's Day was just perfect for working on two new art projects for the dining room.

The first was inspired from something I saw on Pinterest. The person had put all the coins she had collected during her travels into a photo frame. I've collected quite a few coins from my travels and rather than storing them in various jars,  I decided to hot glue mine onto a 5 X 5 inch canvas.

I cut some brown cardstock to 5 X 5, hot glued it to the canvas, and then hot glued some ribbon I had on hand around the edge to dress it up. After coming up with a design for the coins (the coins are from Lativa, Russia, Czech Republic, Hungary, India, and Italy), I just hot glued those and voila! Art.

The second piece is comprised of pieces of terra cotta tiles I collected while on the beach in Cinque Terre. Same thing here - leaving the canvas bare, I glued a ribbon trim, came up with a design for the pieces, and hot glued those in place. 

I had already removed two black and white canvases from the dining room wall to make room for that oil painting you see in the bottom left corner...it's done by a local artist in Cinque Terre and it's of the town (Riomaggiore) that we stayed in.

Now every time I look at this wall, I will be reminded of the awesome travel adventures I have had thus far.

Christmas decorations put away for another year and new art up on the walls. Good start to the new year :).