Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Strength for today

Listening to that song and being able to write out my thoughts and emotions has been a turning point for me. I share the rawness and ugliness because I think it's important to know that it's okay not to be be okay. It's okay to question and process and work through things. The point is to keep moving forward and to speak truth when I want to listen to lies. I have to constantly remind myself that no one, including Him, is asking me to walk perfectly through a tough time and be all rainbows and kittens about it. I am overwhelmed by the encouragement, truth, and strengthening He provided through all of you who commented and messaged me. Throughout this ordeal, we have felt so surrounded and supported and loved. We have such a good God to sustain us.

I am learning to be content when it's hard to be content. Yes, it's good to long for and hope for "all the bright and joyous things" that I mentioned in my previous post, but I also need to learn to rest and be joyful where I am. Each morning I am waking up and listing the things that I am thankful for and noting any progress that has been made. And reminding myself that slow is okay. I am not missing out on anything God would have for me because I am right where He wants me to be. At His feet.

Progress is happening, I am able to sit up more, can do more things in the kitchen (we've found that me sitting on a stool, rather than standing, helps me get more done without being so tired) and I can converse longer with the wonderful ladies that have been keeping me company during the day before my head gets all buzzy-fuzzy-shuddery. The pain in my head is changing, which I hope is a sign of healing.

One of the challenges we are facing is that my lupus was flaring badly before the meningitis and is continuing to flare, but I am currently off all my lupus meds (besides a hefty daily dose of steroids to help with lowering inflammation). My immune system was going so haywire that we needed to pull back and just try and get it settled. My stomach issues from years ago have returned, so we are looking at how the pain meds treat my head (neuralgic pain) and my stomach pain. The pain meds slow your system down. My stomach was already having issues before the sits too long and causes nausea and pain and acid backs up. Thankfully, my pain doc, stomach doc, and rheumo doc are all at Houston Methodist and so they can put their heads together and work a plan for me. Forward plan is still up in the air as we wait and see how my body handles recovering from the meningitis and the lupus flare.

I have also been able to see how much the medicines are helping relieve pain (forgot to take a dose and wowee...). Appreciation and thankfulness for them has helped me to be more patient. Your body can't heal if it's constantly fighting pain.

I'm drinking bone broth and turmeric tea and juicing and smoothing all the anti-inflammatory fruits and veggies I can :) . We're also using acupuncture to keep the blood moving and hopefully relieve pain. Lots of yoga stretching going on as well. Two weeks ago, I couldn't even imagine doing some light stretching, so movement is a huge sign of progress as I am learning to adjust to the weird pressures in my head and correct for imbalances.

"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel; "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall notoverwhesm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and they flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..." (Isaiah 43:1-3)

I want my heart to be aligned with Him. That the bright and joyous things I seek are the ones He wants me to seek, to pursue. His will be done, not mine.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." (James 1:2).

My faith is being grown. Oh to be steadfast!

He provides strength for today. And that is enough.

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