Don't Cry While You Have Acupuncture Needles In Your Arms and Hands

Backstory - I'm getting acupuncture done once a month in hopes that it will prevent or shorten flares. I had success a couple of months ago when I started flaring and getting acupuncture GREATLY reduced the duration and intensity of the flare. May have been coincidence, but I am all for trying something new - the consistency aspect that is, since I've been getting acupuncture intermittently for several years now.

Main Story-

So I was lying on the table while my Awesome Acupuncturist was doing her needle sticking thing and we were catching up over the last month of activities. We've become friends over the three years I've been going to her and she had just completed her first half-Ironman and I wanted to hear the awesome details of her amazing accomplishment.

She was doing a few extra needles in my arms due to a rough week of nausea and my desire to take as little Zofran as possible (side effect are BLAH). She asked how things were going and I mentioned the fantastic camping trip I went on and the decent hike we took and how it slightly kicked my butt, but not too bad, and I realized I needed to get in better shape for the upcoming Patagonia hike, so I sought the advice and input of a friend at work who is a personal trainer and she gave me homework. Awesome Acupuncturist asked "what was the homework?" and I answered, "the main part is to put a workout schedule together. And that's a really big deal for me because…"

And then I started crying.

When you are laying on your back, with acupuncture needles in your arms and hands and legs and feet (thank God she hadn't put the one in between my eyes yet - that would have HURT!) and you have tears dripping down your face, you can't really wipe them away (moving anything with those needles in sends fiery shocks up and down your limbs)- so that was excellent impetus to control the emotions.

Awesome Acupuncturist just looked at me knowingly (she knows my health history) "you're afraid you won't be able to finish the workouts, aren't you" and I just nodded (giving her a thumbs up was out of the question thanks to Mr. Needle in the base of my thumb and wrist)  She kindly encouraged me and we chatted a bit more, me sniffling as delicately as I could (tears were bad enough, but if my nose had started running!? Gag!), and then she left me for the 45 minutes to rest while the needles did their thing.

I usually take a nap. But this time, this time I spent thinking and praying over my emotional reaction to a spreadsheet.

Fear is so interesting. I feel like I have tackled fear in certain areas and then, before I realize it, it's been lurking in an area I never even thought of.

I just recently (say four-ish months, since going off the Big Bad Liver Killing Med) have been feeling better. I could have attempted to start working out again, but I didn't. I was expecting to get sick again. And I did - a few days here or there, but not prolonged, like the last 4 years have been.

I have about six different workout schedules that I have created over the last four years when I reached an In-Betweens and I never got more than a week or so into them before I would start flaring or something new would pop up. And believe me, these workout schedules are very very gradual - I'm not going out and running 5 miles or swimming 1000 yards or anything like that.

And here I was - afraid. Again. Afraid I would be yet again disappointed by an uncrossed-off workout list. So afraid, that I wasn't even trying anymore.

I thought about my necklace and the verses I have memorized to combat that fear that can well-up so quickly:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" - Psalm 56:-34

Okay, remember that.

I then thought of another verse I was recently reminded of during my bible study a week ago:

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent" Exodus 14:14

(Moses told the Israelites this after they headed out and were facing the Red Sea and Pharaoh's chariot army rapidly approaching from behind.)

For me, this verse means quieting my mental voice, so I can hear His. I can toil and moil over things I cannot control. I need to back off, trust in Him, and let Him work out His plan. I want to fight and argue and add 1000 "buts" to anything that comes my way.

Application:

How does this look for this workout schedule that I sent (I honestly hesitated when I hit "send")? It means I focus on taking one day at a time and actively, by His Grace, seek to trust Him. No matter if I can't do the workout that day or days or weeks and no matter if I can do the workout. Regardless of how many excel spreadsheet merged cells (oh yeah) get grayed out, He is still working His plan. He is still fighting for me. I need to be silent before Him, listening to Him, heeding His word, His direction, His instruction.

And to be clear, when I say I need to be silent, it doesn't mean that I stop praying about it, or bringing my hurts and desires to Him. What I mean is my constant  and sometimes subconscious "what-ifing," my "toiling and moiling" needs to stop, needs to be silent, because I can't hear Him over me. As John says in chapter 3:30 "He must increase and I must decrease."

And the finishing note - I got my gait (i.e. how I run) analyzed on Thursday. I ran, they filmed me and gave me exercises to correct some weak muscles that are causing the knee pain I've been having at some recent run attempts. And, the big news. For the first time in THREE YEARS, I bought new running shoes.

It felt great walking out of that store. By His grace, I will trust in Him to be able to use them, and if He has other plans, by His grace, I will trust in Him to give me peace and contentment in His plans.

His will. Not mine.

Liver Love

The caller ID showed “Rheumo Doc” and I hesitated a few seconds, wondering what they could be calling about…I answered and the nurse informed me that some of my labs needed to be redone, that my liver panel was off and my potassium was ridiculously off, so much so that they were pretty sure the lab had made a mistake. They had already faxed in orders, so first thing the next morning, I was getting another blood draw. My next rheumo doc appointment was a week away. I know what it means to have wonky liver panels and high potassium levels, well, I mean, I know what it means at a very high, very layman’s term level ;-) It would mean that my liver and kidneys are having issues. When lupus organ-interaction begins, the kidneys and liver are usually the first ones to start having issues.

I went into work, thoughts and “what-ifs” started to percolate in my mind.

What if my kidneys are failing? What if my liver is failing? What if both are? Would I have to get a transplant? Would I even be high on the list having SLE? What would be my MELD score? Holy moly, should I still get a dog? Is this why my back has been hurting more during this flare? And on and on.

There’s a verse that has been so important to me over the past few years: take captive every thought.

"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ" - 2Cor 10:5

I have an overactive imagination, so this verse is a challenge for me. A dear friend of mine once told me (and I quote it ALL the time to myself now): “there’s no grace for our imaginations.”

Grace: grace is when something is given when it is not deserved. For me, an example of God’s grace in my life is how he sustains me through all these health trials, that even though I doubt and stumble and have to think and pray things through so much, I really enjoy my life and am so very blessed, and He allows me to see that. God gives me grace for the events, trials, decisions, etc that He has planned for me. Not for the ones that I decide to make up and think they might be part of my future. I think it’s okay to think about the results of a decision, the different paths that decision could take you on, but not to dwell on it, not to let your emotions get all out of wack because of a situation that you are literally imagining up.

Waiting to get the updated lab results was an exercise in saying no to my imagination, taking captive thoughts, and remembering that His grace sustains me, daily leaving the lab results and whatever could come from them in the Lord’s hands. Trusting Him to provide me with whatever strength, courage, and wisdom I need to tackle whatever the next hurdle could be, health or otherwise.

At my rheumo appointment, my doc and I looked at the results. Thankfully, the potassium levels were just fine, it had definitely been a lab mix up. Wahoo! I’ve got two good functioning kidneys :insert fist pump with happy dance:. My liver, however, was definitely getting wonky. The good (um, outstanding really) news here is that it’s not lupus-related, but actually related to one of the meds I am on. It’s a chemotherapy med and long-term, low-dose use of it can result in liver damage (hence why I get liver panels drawn every 3 months) – I’ve been on this med for 8 years.

Over the past 5 weeks, I've done a rapid tapering of the med. When my doc first told me I had to come off of it, I was nervous because I had been flaring almost steadily since January and going off a med that is probably helping me not have a crazy bad flare was scary to me. We talked other med options if I started having problems, but secretly, I was hoping that I could go off of this and have no effects and be down a med and down an immunosuppressive med to boot.

And praise the Lord, the tapering has gone fine! In fact, I keep forgetting that I am tapering. Not only has the Lord allowed my body to accept the tapering, I am feeling better (my doc thought there was a good chance the liver issues were what was causing the prolonged crummy season), and I have had complete peace - no imagination, no what-ifs. Truly. That's grace folks.

It'll take several months for the med to be completely out of my system and I will continue to just take one day at a time and to remember that His grace is sufficient for me, it's sufficient for me to handle the next flare without this med, and it's sufficient for me to continue to trust Him daily.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9-10

New every morning

I sat on the now concrete floor of the closet and stared at my hands. "Hmm, maybe this isn't the best idea"

I've been wanting to rip out the carpet in my bedroom and replace it with the wood-look tile (cats+potential dog+carpet=blah). I also have a distinct loathing for the late 80's style kitchen tile and want to get it replaced.

I've gotten two quotes and both came in over what I was hoping to spend (my hopes were unrealistic by the way, one of the companies quotes is very fair). I could either pay this company to do one room and I just save for the other, OR I could do it myself and get both rooms done, plus have a lot leftover for other house projects. Felt like a no-brainer decision to me.

So I moved the desk and other furnishings from my closet-turned-office and ripped up the carpet and pad and then started to work on the tack strips which are actually nailed into the concrete slab (seriously!? That seems a bit overkill to me…). About 45 minutes in, I had to stop because my fingers and hands wouldn't work any more. My finger joints had swelled and my hands from the first knuckle up were bright red and throbbing. I have a bunch of ulcers on my right hand right now too and they were pretty irritated from all the moving/pulling of stuff.

I sat on the concrete floor and got VERY frustrated. I like to work with my hands. I like working on my home and creating something new. And, I like being able to save money. It's so easy for other people to do depo work in their homes, to tile, or garden, etc. It's easy for normal people, I kept thinking to myself. And my frustration and bitterness over my disease and season of life grew.

It took a couple of hours, but after some internal fuming, I could see how God was showing me my stubborn rebelliousness to prove to myself and others that despite some physical limitations, I could still do this. My pride was being stepped on with the swollen-hand incident. I wasn't quite ready to give it up but I did start to think, "maybe I should just pay someone to do the room."

Needless to say, I went to bed still mad and upset and grumbling.

The next morning I woke and headed to my friends house to watch their kiddo. While he took a long nap, I pulled out my Bible and journal and started reading.

Journaling's a challenge right now due to some ulcers in the spot where I hold the pen.

I'm reading in John right now and I read the story of how Jesus asked the woman at the well to draw water. What he said to her really struck home that morning:

"Jesus answered her, "if you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, 'Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water" - John 4:10

I was suddenly struck by how little I had been filling myself with living water (Him) and instead depending on myself and filling myself with other stuff (not bad stuff, just stuff that wasn't Him). Living water quenches my thirst, other stuff doesn't.

As I thought on this, I also realized that I had woken up less frustrated and annoyed with the whole carpet-removal-swollen-hand incident. His mercies are really new every morning…all it took was going to bed and waking up and my attitude had been complete adjusted! What a mercy!

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him'" - Lamentations 3:22-24

I'm not always there with finding God to be my portion, but the more I am in His word (the Bible) and the more I am aware of him and seeking to please Him, the more easily I can say and know that He is my portion.

I still haven't 100% decided what to do about the floors, but after some rough nights with my joints and my fevers returning, having someone else do the depo/tiling is probably the wiser decision. It often surprises me the things I hold on to, that I can be stubborn about. They are usually things that I think I can control. Time and time again, He reminds me that He's in control, not me, and that it is going to look different, but also be better for me. I'm thankful for a gracious Father who never gives up on teaching me and showing me my stubbornness, so that He can refine and correct it, and grow me to be more like Him.

As an ending side note, I have an awesome steroid cream for those ulcers, but it's pretty much the greasiest-slowest-to-absorb cream in the world. I'm quite proud of the solution I came up with last night to allow the cream to absorb while I sleep (I've tried regular gloves but it soaks in more to the material than my hands). So many uses for ziploc bags :)

The In-Betweens

A friend of mine who was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 32 (currently cancer-free, wahoo!) posted an article this week and I keep thinking about it. The article resonated with me in so many ways and I thought I would share some of that with you all.

I'm at the tail-end of a three-month long lupus flare. Three months of excessive fatigue, constant fevers, and pain wherever there is connective tissue. A round of IV steroids at the end of February helped settle the joint pain and inflammation. A series of acupuncture appointments this month have broken the fever cycle (officially fever-free for a whole week!). And my energy is returning! Praise the Lord!

The last three months and the article got me thinking about the periods of time between flares/onsets of new symptoms, the In-Betweens, as I've decided to call them.

For me, the In-Betweens are characterized by a renewal to engage with my friends and family, to throw off the isolation that a flare can bring. To get caught up on life. Projects, outings, working out. The In-Betweens strive to be normal, to be light-hearted, able to chat about less heavy issues than sickness, meds, IVs, doctors, insurance companies that give you the run-around, etc. The In-Betweens are a time to thank the people that helped me out, that brought meals to my house because I was too tired to drive to the grocery store, people who offered to come clean my house because just looking at the vacuum cleaner could bring on tears of discouragement with the realization that pushing the vacuum just hurt too much.

The In-Betweens are a fragile walk between embracing wellness and fear of the next flare. That swollen joint one morning "is this a flare?" The elevated temperature one evening "is this a flare?" The In-Betweens are an exercise in wisdom: what project do I start that I know I can finish quickly in case I start flaring again? Is it worth it to try and sign up for a race, not knowing if I will be able to complete the training? Is it okay to hang out with my friends so late, with an early morning the next day, will that trigger a flare? Is it okay to eat that- it might cause my stomach pain to worsen, would that stress trigger a flare?

The In-Betweens are a time of feeling older beyond my years, of fighting against feeling like a "Debbie Downer" because so much of recent activity is characterized by things most people are uncomfortable with talking about, because people are "fixers" and this stuff isn't fixable. And that recent activity gives me a different perspective on daily things - an equanimity when it comes to potential drama (mostly ;-) ), an easy weeding out of the battles to be fought (again, mostly :) ).  It can be a struggle at times to relate to people, especially right after a flare.

The article talks about how young people with cancer can feel cheated. Chronic illness is very different from cancer, but I think there are similarities when it comes to emotional struggles and some of the life-changes that have to be made to accommodate something you don't want to accommodate. I was so encouraged to hear about the support groups that exist for young people with cancer. In talking with my friend, I found out that she is in training to become a mentor to other young women with cancer. It made me start thinking about if there are support groups for young people with chronic illness. Yes, there is a lupus support group here locally (I get the emails), but there is a difference of being ill when young and being ill in your 50s and 60s, and this article discusses this very well. And, I love to see people reaching out to one another in their pain and suffering, helping others deal with their suffering, to help lighten the load.

"who (God) comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" - 2 Corinthians 1:4

I pray that the Lord will use my sharing of The In-Betweens to help those who are walking with someone who is suffering, or someone who is suffering. I pray that I will live out 2 Corinthians 1:4.

Fearless

I’ve mentioned this before, but on New Years Eve and New Years Day, I like to read/skim through the year’s worth of journal entries and see how the Lord has worked in my life and the lives of those for whom I have prayed. Last year started out with learning a hard and crucial lesson – not to fear. To commemorate the blood, sweat, tears, and time that went into the start of learning that lesson (still in progress, in case you were wondering :)), I worked with one of my favorite Etsy shops, Celebrate Today, to design this necklace:

Two charms:  “Be” “Fearless”. On the back of the “Fearless” charm, “Psalm 56:3-4” is stamped.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”- Psalm 56:3-4

I work to be fearless not because I am strong, not because I am in control, not because I have all the answers, but because He is strong, He is in control, and He has all the answers (whether He chooses to reveal those to me remains to be seen ;-) ). In this, I am pursuing fearlessness, while cultivating fear of Him. Sounds contradictory, I know, but fear of Him is recognizing His power, His presence, His worthiness. Fearing Him is giving Him praise, honor, and glory.

“The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death” – Proverbs 14:27 
 
“And His mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation” – Luke 1:50 
 
“The end of the matter, all has been heard. Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man” Ecclesiastes 12:13 

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, all who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever” – Psalm 111:10 
 
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!” – Proverbs 31:30

So, when you see my “Be” “Fearless” charms, it’s not in any way saying “I rock,” but rather, it’s saying, “He is my rock.”

Words

I've been inspired. I just finished reading "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak.

Wow.

Wow.wow.wow.

Wow.

How is it even possible for someone to have the gift to make one ache, mourn, thrill, dread, die, and hope just by scratching words on a piece of paper?

Well done Mr. Zusak. Well done.

I'll give a much more thorough review later, because it's warranted, but just a taste of the haunting, insanely crafted sentences from this story, a story of a German girl during WWII, told by Death.

"The book thief saw only the mechanics of the words - their bodies stranded on the paper, beaten down for her to walk on. Somewhere, too, in the gaps between a period and the next capital letter, there was also Max."

"Three languages interwove. The Russian, the bullets, the German."

"A woman of wire had laid herself down, her scream traveling the street, till it fell sideways like a rolling coin starved of momentum."

I sat, paused, and stared off into space several times while reading this book. Mesmerized by the words, writing out my own impressions in my head. And mockingly laughing at myself as I found my thought-ed words to be mimicking the tone of the story - a bad mimicry, but one just the same. And I thought back to an email I wrote back in college - the friend I wrote it to responded with "your last email read differently, like you were channeling a poem or something." Ha, I had just read a bunch of LM Montgomery and had been subconsciously channeling Anne into my own thoughts. I've done that with Jane Austen too - read a few of hers back to back and you'll be thinking in early 19th century English before you can utter "wot wot?" Dickens will do the same. The power of a well-crafted sentence, a skillfully turned word. Think of how Shakespeare's phrases are still peppered throughout today's media - we quote them comfortably, admiring the way they capture exactly what we want to express at that moment.

As I sat thinking over my brain's sponge-like absorption of the written-voice, I thought - hmm, that also happens when I read my Bible. When I make the time to have consistent time in His written word. If the written word is powerful, oh the power of the words inspired by the Spirit, by Him! Imagine, just imagine, if His tone, His meaning, began constructing my thoughts, my sentences. If my written word was subconsciously structured to mimic His, if my spoken words reflected Him.

Mind blown.

Challenging thoughts my friends. Lord willing, not just thoughts, but thoughts that lead to actions.

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." - Heb 4:12

Hesed

The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

Yesterday was infusion day. I wasn't feeling great, but was still better than I have been in past months on infusion day. I walked into the infusion room and there was just one other gal sitting in there. I had never seen her before and I know I would have remembered seeing her - she was young, probably my age or a year or two younger. It's usually older people in the room. She looked pretty peppy, but didn't seem interested in conversation as she kept her head down in the book she had brought. I was kinda bummed, because I enjoy visiting with people in the infusion room.

My infusion nurse hooked me up and within about twenty minutes, I started feeling pretty bad. My head felt like a headache was about to start, which I have heard happens to some folks during infusions, but has never happened to me. My head felt thick and fuzzy, like my thoughts were all moving through some thick fluid. Apparently, I fell asleep, because I awoke to the nurse removing the line from my arm. I noticed Peppy-Girl was asleep in her chair as well. I headed to the restroom, a must after getting a liter of saline pumped into you :) and had one of those "yikes, what happened to my face!?" moments when I glanced in the mirror. I looked so tired and pale and sick.

Peppy-Girl and I ended up riding the elevator down to the parking garage together and I noticed she wasn't Peppy-Girl anymore, but Tired-and-Drawn-Girl. She commented to me how tired the infusions make her. I agreed, although, I had never connected my sleepiness during infusions to the drugs themselves, I figured sitting in a comfy big chair and just relaxing was causing me to be sleepy. I had never experienced the physical roughness of an infusion, during the infusion, until today.

My infusions take place up in the medical center in Houston and it's a long drive back to my house...through rush hour traffic, so I usually head over to my friends' who live about ten minutes from my doctors and have dinner with them and their kiddos and wait out the traffic. As I was driving over there, I was overcome by how poorly I was feeling. I got a bit teary-eyed. I pulled into a Starbucks to grab my usual reward for getting an infusion (and a much needed pick-me-up at this point!) As I waited in the drive-thru line, my mind wandered to a chapter I had read recently in some book about a Hebrew word that meant "goodness."

As I drove to my friends' house, I thought about how good the Lord was to allow me to have friends with cute kids to snuggle with after my infusion and good food to eat with them rather than sitting in Houston traffic for over an hour.

I thought about how good the Lord was to be able to have a conversation with Peppy-turned-Tired-Girl  and that we were able to share and sympathize with one another.

I thought how good the Lord was to be able to allow me to feel so poorly, because that meant the drugs that I had just been given were working to make me feel better. That little B-cell killers were waging a war at that moment in my body to push back the crazy Melissa-immune system and calm them down.

And I thought how good the Lord was to allow me to see His goodness, rather than feel sorry for myself or to continue thinking on how I was feeling at that moment.

The mind is a funny thing. Because that entire drive - to my friends house and home again - I couldn't think of the actual Hebrew word. It took me fifteen minutes to finally find it (I'm reading too many books at the same time right now). The word is "hesed" and it is the Hebrew word for "goodness." How wonderful and funny - that in the moment when I very much needed to remember His goodness, my mind called up a memory of reading about the Hebrew word for goodness.

Wonderful and funny, yes. But also, just another example of His hesed towards me.

Playing with these cute kids in their fort before dinner :)

One year later...musings and summation

I realized this past week that it has been exactly one year since some tests results showed my innards were all torn up, cause unknown. A whole year. It seems longer than that, not because time has dragged, but because of all I have learned and how I have grown over that time.

The stomach pain is oh so much better theses days! Some days, it's not even there. On the worst days, it's still not comparable to what last fall was like.  I still take a strong daily pain med, but recently got a prescription that will allow me to attempt reducing the dosage. A missed prescription refill a couple of months ago quickly showed me that I can't go completely off the pain med yet, but here's hoping to reduce the amount I need to keep the pain under the "noticeable" threshold. Baby steps! (Still no smoking gun on the cause, but I've got a theory that's soon to be tested and of course, the lupus is a major suspect).

I seem to be responding well to the Benlysta and I feel that my lupus is more controlled than it was a year ago. In fact, :exciting news: I have reduced the dosage of one of my immuno-supressive meds by half! It's taken eight months to slowly reduce it to see how my body reacts, but so far, doing pretty well. I say pretty well, because I tried the next step of reduction recently, and my body didn't like that, so waiting for this minor flare-up to settle and to just stick to my current dosage for now. I am ridiculously excited to not be taking such a mega dose of this medicine, so praise God for progress! :)

While predictability has been such a welcome reprieve, I continue to take one day at a time because things do go wonky from time to time and I think "whoa, what happened here?" It's a reminder that this thing called lupus and autoimmune diseases are not predictable and oh-so-sensitive to...pretty much everything :). And a reminder to not put my trust in patterns or predictability.

In my mind, the most impacting result of this last year, is the still and quiet place that the Lord has grown in me. That, my friends, is the most amazing, wonderful thing that has happened to this gal who always read the verse "gentle and quiet spirit" (1 Peter 3:3-4)  or "be still" (Psalm 46:10) and threw her hands up, knowing that her crazy, energetic, fast-talking personality would never allow her to be that way.  I've learned that quiet and stillness isn't a reflection of personality or physical action. It doesn't mean I sit there and do nothing, or never talk (pretty sure pigs will fly when that happens :) ) but it means that when things are crazy around me, when my sense of control (yes, it is a "sense") is lost, there is a deep-rooted center in me that is calm, still, and quiet. Waiting. Ears and heart open to the Teaching that is to come. To the Discipline that is to be learn. To the Love that is to be experienced.

Yes, there are still moments where I think, "hmm, maybe I was mistaken", when my thoughts and heart are all a-thunder with doubts and frustrations. And let's face it, gentleness is still a work in progress. But He brings me back. He "calms the raging storm." He is my quietness and my stillness, forged from a trust in Him that He has grown in me.  Oh, how I sought for this and tried to make it happen on my own terms (hello December, January, and February), but He has taught me, yet again, that His ways are better and His timing perfect. Nothing that I could accomplish, but only Him.

Do I wish this last year had been different? YES. A resounding YES complete with blinky font and lights. I despise pain, suffering, feeling miserable, and the isolation that all of that sometimes brings. But, I can honestly say that I don't know how else I could have been pulled so far out of myself, so completely stripped and made raw, for Him to do the refining work and instructing He needed to, without the events of this past year. So, I wouldn't change it (I may try to blot it out from time to time ;-) ), but I wouldn't change it. What grace.

Summation

Stripped

Red, raw, bleeding

Endless flowing tears and pain unceasing

Aching, groaning, ripping, tearing

Floundering...flailing...

crawling, grasping

broken, arms thrown, surrender

Waiting

Tugging, closing, wounds stitched together

Presence, soothing

listening, seeds planted, growing

roots deepen

Breathing, resting

steadiness reborn, stronger

coolness, quiet, beauty from ashes

Him, not me

What grace.

Bigger than a pattern

Not only was I just born with a natural bent toward recognizing patterns and trying to figure out why those patterns existed, but I've had almost fourteen years of intentional training on how to think logically, methodically, recognize patterns, draw conclusions, and predict results. The training of an engineer and my current profession of being a flight controller. So needless to say, that type of thinking, and rationalization factors into every aspect of my life, emotional and spiritual.

I like patterns. Apply certain stimuli, get a reaction. Increase or decrease the amount of that stimuli, the reaction changes proportionally. It's predictable. It's controllable. It's comforting.

But what if a pattern isn't desired? Bad behavior being repeated, or an experiment failing over and over again. It's a pattern, but not a welcome one. The pattern is no longer comforting, but discouraging. Each time the stimuli is applied, a different outcome is hoped for, but the logic remains and the same result takes place. Over and over. And the hope for a different result diminishes. The pattern is slowly accepted. Not welcomed, but reluctantly greeted. An unwanted guest that is tolerated. There are several patterns in my life, and I am sure in yours, that would fit into this category. Some are too close to my heart, so I'll use the one that you are all most familiar with: my health.

I tell someone I am feeling better. The pain has lessened. God is good. The next day, the next week, the pain increases, the joints swell, fever spikes. Really Lord?

The pattern. Over and over.

And the thought creeps in "what kind of game is this?"

The good news is, God doesn't play games. I know that because my merciful God has shown me this through hours of pouring over Scripture and journaling endless pages of prayers and thoughts over many years. He is faithful. He is sovereign. I can and do trust in Him. But the thought still comes. How does one continue to hope when the pattern, when all logic, shows that the outcome will continue to be the same? Up, down, up, down.

Do I hope to be healed? YES. When do I hope to be healed? NOW. No, YESTERDAY. But what if that doesn't happen...can I still hope? Can I still trust? What do I hope in? What do I trust in?

"The Lord is my portion" says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him"  - Lamentations 3:24

"And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you."  - Psalm 39:7

Hope for what? I get that I am supposed to hope in Him...but for what? (Stay with me...)

"He has transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins" - Colossians 1:13-14

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8

"But God being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus" - Ephesians 2:4-6

"because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" - Romans 10:9

That is the basis for my hope - not that I will have healing now...but one day, in heaven, I will be healed. Completely. Because He died for my sins and my life is with Him.

My logical brain searches for a pattern, something with a known result. My emotions attach themselves to knowledge of that pattern. And I fail constantly to see what is in front of me:

God is bigger than a pattern.

This overarching hope, eternal life with Him, a body healed and perfect, because of Him, is bigger than any pattern I can ever find - it breaks the pattern. It makes the pattern moot, trivial, unmentionable.

When confronted with the unknown, the insecure, the frightening, turn your eyes towards Him, towards the one hope that will never change, never waver, a known that doesn't need a pattern to prove it...yet He uses patterns of His faithfulness in Scripture to show us the hope we have in Him.

I was looking for the wrong pattern.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are in you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God" - Psalm 43:5.

Peaks and valleys

"It seemed to her at that moment that all the pain and postponement, all the sorrows and trials of the long journey she had made, were as nothing compared to the glory which shone before her"

"Much-Afraid stood still and stared. The more she looked, the more stunned she felt. Then she began to tremble and shake all over, for the whole mountain range before, as far as she could see to left and right, rose up in unbroken walls of rock so high that it made her giddy when she put her head back and tried to look up to the top"
                                              - from "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard

Peaks and valleys. The emotional and spiritual roller coaster of a trial. At times, the challenge seems conquerable, buffered by peace and quiet joy, and reminders of His faithfulness. Then the sudden drop. A frantic scrambling to grasp that which one knows to be true, fingers slipping on the slime of fear and doubt. The war rages. Whispers of hopelessness, lack of strength, and weakness weave their way through the mind, each whisper thread is challenged by Truth, speared intentionally and sometimes unintentionally from the foundation on which the heart rests. He is my hope. He is my strength. When I am weak, then I am strong. The battle continues, a finger slips. A cry for mercy. And the Word provides:

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?" - Psalm 56:3-4

The whispers splinter, shattered by the light, a toe-hold is caught, the fingers renew their grip, the tired arms relieved, uncaring for how long, for the rest is welcomed without restraint. The spirit refreshed, still tired, still old, but now set with renewed determination, a jaw stubbornly jutting out, strengthened by a Power outside itself, by Him.

"When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you" - Isaiah 43:2.

Unfiltered

*I wrote this a few weeks ago and debated about posting...but I hope that someone is encouraged by this and that He will be visible through this post and the posts to follow about what He is teaching me*


It started with a phone call. A phone call that reported the results of a recent test were normal.

Normal.

Who would think that the word "normal" would bring on tears of frustration and despair? That it could create a gut-tightenen fear that it was back to the beginning, that the past five months of pain and suffering hadn't accomplished anything, that the same questions were still open, unanswered...maybe not answerable? Ever?

If the test is normal, why the pain, why the nausea, why the vomiting? That's not normal. How could the test be normal?

And then, bleakness. A stretch of gray, of fog. Numbness settles in. Not numbness to the pain that increases when eating, forcing a diet of liquid and pureed foods. No, it is a numbness to feeling, to processing the potential of what lies ahead - the continued journey to answer the questions. To find the source of the problem, of the pain. The inability to comprehend that a journey that had been seemingly coming to a close, HAD to be coming to a close, was torn wide open again. The threads of new healing ripped apart and the wound made red and raw.

I am not strong enough. Why does God think I am strong enough? I'm so tired. Surviving yes, but not thriving. Not moving forward. Stagnant. Perhaps trudging at times, but still the slowness, a fading.

How do I live a life I never wanted or asked for? How do I reconcile my hopes and dreams with His plan for me?

I know the answer. I fear the answer.

There is no reconciliation. Only change. He must change my heart.

I read the words "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - Psalm 16:1. Preserve me? Is that really what I want?

Further study reveals the definitions of "preserve" - "to keep safe from injury, harm, and free from decay" - no, that's not right...and then there is this: "to keep up and reserve for personal or special use". Yes. That's it. I am being "kept up" - not free from harm or injury, but sustained. For His purpose. Looking up "refuge" reveals "shelter from danger and distress, something to which one has recourse in difficulty." What's recourse? Recourse: a turning to something or something for help or protection. A source of help or strength. Yes, that is it as well. I seek a source of help, strength, and protection.

I find I can say those words now, "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - or rather, reworded per their definitions:

Keep me up, Oh God, and reserve me for your use, for in you I seek help, strength, and protection.

It's not an answer. But it is a start. A lessening of the numbness.

Growing Hinds Feet

I just finished reading this phenomenal book called "Hinds Feet on High Places." It is about a woman named Much Afraid who has a physical disability (she has crooked feet). She is on a journey to the High Places to live with the Great Shepherd. Her companions on her journey are Sorrow and Suffering and as she travels, she encounters people who would like to distract her from her journey. These people are named Fear, Self-Pity, Bitterness, Pride, and Resentment. Along this journey, the Great Shepherd promises to change her crooked feet into feet (Hinds Feet) that will be able to run and bound all through the High Places.

Holy-a-bazillion-lessons-learned-and-tons-of-encouragement-received-Batman.

You all should just start calling me Much Afraid, because I am SO her. At first, Much Afraid is frightened by her companions, Sorrow and Suffering, they seem forbidding and scary. But then, she starts to see how helpful they are at teaching her things and helping her through some of the challenges she encounters. They strengthen her and guide her, and they eventually all become friends. I can relate so well to Much Afraid here. Sometimes I stare into the face of the next wave of pain and think "there is no way I can do this." And I want to give up. And then, the remembrance comes of a past sorrow or suffering and how I thought I couldn't get through that, and I did, by His grace. And I think on what helped then, and apply it to my current situation. Sometimes I do that consciously, sometimes, I am too afraid to think straight and it happens anyway, a Scripture verse, a past encouragement from a friend, something will pop into my mind and it will pull me back from the edge and suddenly, I know I can handle what is ahead. I don't know how I will handle it, but I have a peace that He will give me the strength to handle it.

There is a part in the book that made me cry with the truth of it and how well I could relate. Much Afraid and her companions are taking shelter in a small hut in the Forests of Danger and Tribulation while a massive storm rages outside. As Much Afraid sits inside, thinking over her journey so far, she has the following thought:

"It seemed as though her senses had been quickened in some extraordinary way, enabling her to enjoy ever detail of her life; so that although her companions actually were Sorrow and Suffering, she often felt an almost inexplicable joy and pleasure at the same time. This would happen when she looked at the bright, crackling flames in the log fire, or listened to the sounds of lashing rain overhead emphasizing the safety and peace within the hut, or when she saw through the window the tossing trees waving their arms against a background of scurrying clouds or lightning-rent sky. Or again, very early before daybreak, when she saw the morning start shining serenely through a rift in the clouds or heard the clear jubilant note of a bird during a lull in the storm."

Over the past, well, going on 2.5 years now, I feel that MY senses have been quickened. I notice and appreciate things in life that I never would have noticed before - part of it is learning how much I take certain things for granted, but it's more than that too.  The joy and elation I receive from seemingly simple experiences like having dinner with a good friend and talking about everything under the moon for hours or my friend's little girl running up to me at church to greet me and cling to my leg or chatting and laughing with my coworker or talking with my nephews on FaceTime or hearing about what the Lord is doing in a friend's life. All of these things seem so much sweeter to me these days and I am so thankful for the ability to appreciate these seemingly simple experiences in a deeper way. It's hard to define in words, but it is such a deep rooted feeling of happiness and contentment that I start grinning pretty idiotically when I think about it :). 

How in the world can I feel like that when I am physically and sometimes, emotionally, suffering? I can only point to Him, because I know I am not capable of being THAT optimistic or positive about things. And then I start thinking about how He provides for me, and that feeling of deep rooted joy just grows. What have I done to deserve such a blessing? Nothing. Yet He loves me so much that He chooses to teach me and bless me. I'm discovering that although the lessons may seem hard, and even insurmountable at times, there is always something good in the lesson. It's packaging may be different than what I expected, but I am finding that if I wait, and pay attention, and trust, the good starts to unfold, sometimes small, and sometimes astounding in its greatness. I wouldn't trade all the difficulty of these lessons for what I have learned through them.

So this journey continues, with companions that I may not have chosen for myself, but I trust that He has chosen them to help me grow my hinds feet.

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. 

I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord;

I have no good apart from you."

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

in whom is all my delight

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out 

or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;

because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

or let your holy one see corruption

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore

Update

I have some great news to report. That new pain med I mentioned a couple of weeks ago has allowed me to return to work! It has been so nice to go back and be productive and have some sense of normalcy back in my life. Learning how to manage my pain has been a lesson in trial and error. I've finally worked out what I think is the right timing. I set my alarm to go off between 2:30am and 3am, take the pain med, and then go back to sleep. By the time my "real" alarm goes off, the pain med has built up in my system sufficiently to allow me to move around with decent comfortability and to sit at work. Praise God! My GI doc and I are going back and forth on what to do next, since the pain hasn't changed in the month I have been on the stomach contracting meds. I've decided to get a second opinion because one of the options my GI doc is proposing is pretty "out there" and makes me nervous. So stay tuned on all that.

I found out the hard way yesterday that other timings of the pain med do not work. I turned off the pain med alarm went it sounded, but fell back asleep before taking it. I woke up at 530am, hurting badly, and took the pain med. Unfortunately, the pain med was never able to actually get ahead of the pain, so I had very uncomfortable day at work. When I am in pain, I tend to get very emotional, so I sat teary-eyed at my desk for a large portion of the day, sniffling and doing my best to focus on my work. Yes, I could have gone home, but I was being stubborn and trying to muscle through it - I just wanted to be normal again. I do have fantastic co-workers who have been so supportive and encouraging through all of this and I can share with them openly how things are going, so that made things easier.

I reached a point yesterday while driving home where I told God that I thought it was nice and all that He thought I was strong enough to handle all of this, but I really thought He was wrong, and there was no way I could keep going on in this fashion. I can't tell you all how tired I am of this trial, of hurting, of not being able to do the things I want to do. Enough is enough. I'm glad the Lord has patience with me and listens to me whine and whimper, and then graciously gives me the strength to continue through multiple ways. A dear friend sent me a John Piper (he's a pastor) quote that really encouraged me.

In Proverbs 31:25, it says "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." Proverbs 31 describes the godly woman that I strive to become. And this is what Piper had to say about this verse:

She looks away from the troubles and miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make the future bleak, and she focuses her attention on the sovereign power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth whatever he pleases (Ps. 115:3). She knows her Bible, and she knows her theology of the sovereignty of God, and she knows his promise that he will be with her and will help her and strengthen her no matter what. This is the deep, unshakable root of Christian womanhood. And Peter makes it explicit in verse 5. He is not talking about just any women. He is talking about women with unshakable biblical roots in the sovereign goodness of God—holy women who hope in God.

Wow right?

It was such a good reminder to me on what I need to be focusing on - not my pain, not my weariness, not my frustration, but the fact that I have a sovereign God who loves me and is working out His perfect plan in my life and that my strength comes from Him and Him alone. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly He can have me do a 180 in my attitude, but that happened yesterday afternoon, and despite the pain of the day, I arrived home at peace and feeling blessed.

Thank you diligent readers for continuing to follow this journey that I am on, I am sure you tire as well of hearing reports that vary little and seem to be dragging, but I appreciate your concern, caring, and prayers. There is good coming out of all of this. And He is being glorified. 

Being steadfast amidst the ups and downs

image courtesy of http://www.steadfast.com.au/html/

I've been on the new stomach contracting meds for almost a week now. They are definitely helping me eat better! I was thrilled to have gained two pounds over the last two weeks (not every day that you hear a woman get excited about gaining weight :) ). It's nice to hear my stomach growl again. With the new meds, the doctor had said that I should see the pain start to lessen over time. Everyone keeps asking "well, how much time?" Oh my goodness, I wish I knew. And that's been the most recent hurdle for me to tackle. Patience. Again.

Now that we have a "forward plan, " I want everything to hurry up and get better a la pop-the-magic-pill-and-the-pain-goes-away...and that hasn't happened yet. Well, to be clear, the new med doesn't take the pain away. But my trusty Vicadin does :) - and makes me woozy, and dizzy, and queasy, and if I am talking to you and suddenly shake my head or gaze over your shoulder, it's cause I am seeing two or three of you :). There have been a few dose-ings of pain meds where I have gone 6 to 7 hours in between a dose, but it's still pretty much the standard every 5 hours, and I had a couple of really rough pain days last week AFTER I started the new meds, so...patience. Blah.

I'm currently studying the book of Hebrews and the book of James with one of my accountability partners and with my roommate, respectively. So far, both books have been a lot about suffering and trials and what I have learned thus far in my studies has been so applicable and helpful to my current situation. The most recent lesson on James was no exception. This is the verse that stuck out to me:

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" - James 1:12

Merriam-Webster definition of steadfast: firmly fixed in place or firm belief, determination and adherence, not subject to change.

I found myself staring at the word "steadfast" and wondering where my steadfastness had gone. Last week, before the new meds, I was all patient and waiting and trusting. Post new meds, I became anxious, impatient, and exasperated. I do trust that the Lord is doing His work in me, not just because He has provided a new med for me to be on, but because He is working all of this out for my good and His glory (see Philippians 1:6).

So why can't I still be steadfast (or at least, attempt to be steadfast...my steadfastness has never been the greatest, even on my "best" days)?

Ah, it would be because I am trusting in the wrong things - my willpower to make myself better, the pill that I swallow before every meal, my plan. All the wrong things. I can be thankful that He has given me medicine, determination, goals, but I need to not put my trust in those, but put my trust in Him. So this week, I am focusing on being steadfast by trusting in Him, meditating on the verse from James, and the other verses I looked up regarding the Lord's own steadfastness in my life - He is a perfect example of steadfastness and that is who I should be looking to for how to be steadfast. Thanks be to Him and His grace to open my eyes so quickly to see the error of my where I am placing my trust and for Him to work in my heart to realign it.

How many times can one work in the word "steadfast" into a blog post? Answer: 13 times :)

Leaps and bounds

I'm sitting (er...reclining...I don't "sit" anymore :) ) here with about eight electrodes attached to my torso, my arm resting on a small computer that I am wearing in a glorified fanny pack as a small camera (it's the size of a large vitamin and it had blinking LEDs...and I swallowed it. Eek!) makes it's way through my innards and records its journey. Pretty cool, huh? I am thankful for technology. But this post isn't about my thankfulness for technology, it's about the leaps and bounds progress that my attitude has made over the past two years.

I have been OVERWHELMINGLY blessed by the number of visitors over the past two weeks (I have at least one per day),  the quantity of emails, text messages - people checking in on me, seeing how things are going, asking if they can bring over anything. I'm a bit dumbfounded. And I have had several people thank ME for allowing them to come over and clean my house or bring me groceries - they are thankful that I allowed them to help. While one friend was sharing this with me, I was struck but how far God has brought me over the past two years, because this time around, there was never any question in my mind about needing help - I needed it! But that hasn't always been my attitude.

Two years ago when I was dealing with The Back, I had a really hard time accepting help. I didn't want anyone to see me so helpless and pitiful (admit it folks, my gimping around was quite pitiful). I didn't want to accept help and, I didn't want to ask for help. Whether or not I said it out loud, I wanted to be self-sufficient. My pride not only damaged a couple of friendships that, thankfully and mercifully,  God has since restored, but it also kept me from experiencing the blessing of receiving help, of showing a vulnerability and openness that deepens friendships. I don't know when my attitude changed. I think it has been a slow process, based on the desire He has given me to know Him better and to strive to seek His face in all things. To learn how to trust Him more. Over the past two years, He has allowed me to see that I do need help and that allowing people to help allows them to demonstrate the brotherly love that we are called to show to one another as believers, it allows THEM to grow in their walk with God as well.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" - John 13:34

"Love one another in brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honor" - Romans 12:10

Exercising humility can grow my brothers and sisters in Christ!? I find that really special. Especially since over the past two years, and more so over the past eight months, I have been so convicted to pray more for the growth of my fellow believers, to pray as Paul prays in Colossians 1:9-10 "And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." So here is another way that I can encourage those around me...by letting them help me. That seems so simple, but it can be SO hard at times.

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days because it's been just such a nice surprise to see how far God has brought me, know that I still have a ways to go, but to be able to SEE the changes He has made in my heart and know that it is Him working...it's just been such a sweet couple of days of thinking on His goodness to me. I'm definitely still growing in this area of putting aside my pride and accepting help.  I got a great "mom look" from a friend this morning when she caught me trying to empty the dishwasher before she did the dishes...hehehe...I'm still a work in progress. :)

So thank you to my brothers and sisters, to my friends, my family - thank you for showing love towards me and for allowing Him to work in and through you.

I'm not leaving

"I'm not leaving until you guys give me the results of my CT."

Yup, that is verbatim what I told my doctor yesterday. I appreciate my GI doctor, but he's not always the most prepared...for instance, having the CT results ready for my follow-up appointment with him.

The nurse chuckled at my statement and told me to sit tight. I chose to nap on the exam table. About 30ish minutes later, CT results in hand, the doctor and nurse entered the room and proceeded to have a very productive discussion in which my waning confidence in my doctor was restored by his probing questions, inclusive discussions about what to do next with my health, and surprisingly friendly bedside manner. Okay, doc, I'll keep coming to see you.

The CT results were clear - he had been looking for evidence of vasculitis - inflammation in the veins - and didn't detect any. Check that off the list of pain-culprits. The in-depth review of the EGD I had done last week revealed some lesions on my insides. Since these lesions are in a place that isn't accessible by currently available procedures, I will swallow a camera next week and let it move through my system, recording images of my insides to see how far the lesions extend. I think that's pretty cool :). And then the day after that, I will eat some radioactive oatmeal and be monitored to see how quickly it moves through my system to determine how severe my gastroparesis (paralysis of the stomach) is. The lesions and the gastroparesis may be part of my lupus...and they may be signs that yet another autoimmune disease is emerging.

That last bit..."yet another autoimmune disease" threw a wrench in my steadiness yesterday. "Another one? I already have three...and the one that this could potentially be is pretty brutal...ugh, is that what I am in for now? Good night, I'm 31 years old and falling apart. Why can't I ever be "textbook"?" - that was my internal monologue late yesterday afternoon. And I crumbled a bit. I got scared. Looking into the face of another disease, another set of medicines, another regime of dietary changes, symptoms, pain. "I don't think I can handle this. I don't want to handle this. Pass! Uh-huh, not going this way. Can I just check out please?"

After about ten minutes of blubbering, more logical thoughts starting popping up "hmm, call your rheumo doc and ask if the Benlysta could be worsening things that were already present." The abdominal pain started before I was on Benlysta and also returned before I was on Benlysta, but, that doesn't mean there might be some connection. An email sent to a friend was returned with a reminder of how I had just memorized 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Yup Lord, I am weak. But I know you can get me through this, whatever "this" turns out to be - lupus or something new.

Your grace is sufficient.

So I am not checking out. He won't leave me. Better yet, He will sustain me regardless of what the next hurdle is, no matter how little or big it is. If my God can be all in, so can I.

I'm not leaving.

Sufficient

Exactly a week ago, I was sitting on the couch on Tuesday evening, having some hard talks with God about a lot of different things.

One thing that was very prevalent was how MUCH I want to be healed and how I was not happy with the way things were going. I cannot begin to tell you how NOT a fan I am of narcotics. I've probably blogged about it enough at this point, but I really don't like things that make one not in control of themselves, and narcotics is one of those things. God has been really working on me to be a big girl and take my meds when I am supposed to - actually, it's a thing of necessity now because I really can't tolerate the pain without them. But He's been working on me to not just take the meds, but to be thankful for them. I can't say I'm always 100% there, but I do find myself being more grateful, so yay for progress.

But, along the lines of not being happy with taking the meds, and very much wanting to be off of them so I can drive and go to work and "be back to normal", I was thanking Him for the insane number of people who have emailed me, texted me, dropped by for a short visit, called, etc, to tell me that they are praying for me. It's astounding really...and as I was thanking Him AND grumbling in my heart at the same time about being dependent on these pain meds and how no progress was being made, the thought came to mind "why can't the prayers be enough?".

Hmm... well, that's an interesting question.

"Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether" - Psalm 130:4

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him" - Matthew 6:8

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." - Romans 8:26-27

God knows exactly what I need, even before I can think of a prayer to utter that need. He is showing His love for me by moving people to think of me and pray for me. So why can't I be content in the prayers of those He has called to pray for me? So I sat there on the couch, kinda staring up at the ceiling...and decided, I WANT those prayers to be enough. I want to be content with what He has blessed me with...so I prayed for that...I asked Him to allow the prayers of the saints to be enough for me. It was kind of like the father from Mark 9:24 and his reaction after Jesus heals his child "I believe; help my unbelief!"

And He has...helped my unbelief that is...ever since Tuesday night, I haven't been anxious or grumbling at ALL about how things are going, my heart has been quiet and still and peaceful about what He is doing. I never thought to ask for contentment in prayers and it's been such a sweet realization to know I can ask for that and He is faithful to provide for me - what grace!

I have been so encouraged by visitors who have shared with me what God is doing in their lives and been able to pray for so many people while I'm lying here, switching between bed and couch, depending on my mood. Don't get me wrong, it's not all spiritual stuff I'm doing here at home, I am very thankful for Netflix, Star Trek seasons available on Netflix (yup, nerd alert), and Pinterest - all great diversions for my foggy brain - oh just wait until I am back to my usual self, I've got tons of projects overflowing the filing folders of my brain! But it still has been a sweet time of learning more about Him and seeing Him tangibly at work in the lives of those around me. It's quite hard to see what I am seeing and not let out a contented sigh.

Constantly amazed by His grace. He is El Shaddai.

Faithful

Two years ago on this day, I blogged about a particular Scripture that one of my sweet girls had sent me as an encouragement. I remember when I read it I was laying in bed, with the inflammation around my spine, unable to walk very well, and feeling very discouraged because I had hoped to sign up for a race that day and had come to the realization that I couldn't race.

Two years later, I find myself in bed again, unable to move very well due to severe abdominal pain, doped up on narcotics that allow me to not cry out and curl into a fetal position, but leaving me fuzzyheaded and unable to drive. In the last week, I have had one friend send me an amazing sermon on this Scripture and two friends send me encouraging words with this Scripture as it's base...apparently, God's trying to tell me something :)

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Looking back over the past two years, He has been faithful. I am renewed each day by Him. I lose hope, struggle with the whys, cry out in frustration and pain, leap with joy when progress takes place, and He has been there, answering my prayers with answers I couldn't have planned or imagined, answers better than what I was expecting, answers different from what I was expecting and He gives me the grace to process and accept them. He is faithful.

So that's what I am reminding myself of today - His faithfulness. I'm a little daunted by the new challenges that I am facing with my health. But He was there for the last two years, and He will be there for the next two years, or however long I am in this particular trial. And He'll be there for the next trial, and the next one...He is faithful.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him" - Lamentations 3:22-24

A David Moment

It's been a rough past five or six days pain-wise and sleep-wise and I've found myself getting pretty discouraged. My right hand recently broke out with the blister/ulcers that I usually get only when it gets cold outside (one of the aspects of the Raynaud's Syndrome that I have). It made me crinkle my brow, because I wouldn't think that would happen with the new meds in my system - I know I am not supposed to really start seeing results for another couple of months, but I didn't think that I would still be getting disease things - I was hoping everything would just freeze where it is at. And my abdomen pain has been pretty brutal at times and on top of all that, I am having a lot of trouble sleeping - I just can't sleep through the night and wake up and can stay up for hours before falling back asleep. It's been very wearing.

I found myself at caregroup last night not wanting to ask for prayer because I am so TIRED of praying for my health and tired of disappointing people when they ask me expectantly "so, are you feeling better?" and I have to say no. I know that probably sounds a little crazy, but I'm just being honest here. My sweet group had great encouraging things to say and did pray for me when I finally admitted that I didn't want to ask for prayer...and while I appreciated their prayers and concern, I still came home hurting, tired, and discouraged.

I've been studying the book of Hebrews, but I wasn't feeling it this morning. I journaled a bit and asked God to remind me that I do find joy in what He is doing through all of this and that I want to share that joy with others. I was feeling so weary. So I looked up verses on "weary".

I read Hebrews 12:3 but it wasn't what I was looking for...I went on to the next verse that had "weary" in it, Psalm 69:3- "I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." Um. WOW. What's this? Did I write this? Nope, David did...I flipped the page and started at the beginning of the psalm. Here's how God used this psalm to mightily encourage me today:

So you saw verse 3 (crying out, eyes growing dim)...and then nine verses later, David writes this:
"But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness" (Psalm 69:12). 

Oh Lord, YES! You know that I know this is all part of Your plan and that it is for my good and your Glory. But please Lord, in your timing, end this season for me.

And then David writes:

"I am afflicted and in pain; let your salvation, O God, set me on high" (Psalm 69:29)


Oh so true, and yes, Lord, I would really like for this disease to settle, to go away completely.

"I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. When the humble see it they will be glad; you who seek God let your hearts revive. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise his own people who are prisoners" (Psalm 69: 30-33)


Now, the study portion of my bible says that this is what David (who is writing this psalm with the perspective that we all should have in trials) will do if he is delivered from his trial. I agree with that, yet, I want to praise the Lord even if this trial doesn't end, because He never ceases to amaze me with how He blesses me and gives me grace - true, it may not be according to my plan, but it is always so much sweeter and greater than what I have planned. And I hope when I share how He has blessed me and given me grace, that it encourages those around me, that they will see Him working, and not me. And this is EXACTLY what David is saying. Whoa. Big whoa.

And finally, David writes:

"For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it and those who love his name shall dwell in it." (Psalm 69:34-36)


Ah yes Lord, my hope is not in this world, but in Heaven. One day, I WILL have perfect health. That day when I am with you for all eternity. What amazing hope!

I cannot tell you how encouraged I felt after going through this psalm and writing down those verses. My Father cares for me, He encourages me when I am discouraged and points me back to Him.

And that, was my David moment. ::grin::

Hopefully helpful

At the end of June I had the opportunity to attend The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference in Orlando. It was an amazing two and a half days and I plan to blog a summary of some of the messages (there were over 15(!!!) so I don't know if I will cover them all).

One of the breakout sessions was on grief. I attended the session with my friend who has recently lost her children due to premature birth. I was there mainly to support her, but I ended up learning so much and wishing that I had known some of this information before walking with her during her grief. The talk was aimed at the grieving woman, but it gave me such insight into the grieving process and I found I took away a lot of how to walk (or not to walk!) with someone during her grief. I know many of you out there who read this blog are dealing with grief or know someone who is processing the death of a loved one and wish you knew what to say or how to help. I'm going to share the notes I took during the session and my own thoughts on each item and I hope they are helpful to you.

The session was lead by Nancy Guthrie. Nancy has experienced the death of two of her children before they were age one. Hearing her share what she went through, what God taught her, and her desire to share and empathize with women who now share her situation, was sad, touching, encouraging, and beautiful.

The title of her talk was "Seven things it's going to take to get through this"

1) It's going to take some time to be sad

Nancy's nuggets: "Faith doesn't make loss hurt less" and "joy and sadness can coexist"

My thoughts: I so appreciated this statement. I think as Christians, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to "be happy because you belong to the Lord and He loves you" and we can feel as though if we are sinning if we feel sad. God created emotion and sadness is one of those emotions. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus. It's okay to feel sad. When counseling or talking with someone who is grieving, you don't have to feel like you need to cheer them up. Sometimes, they just need someone to sit with them and let them be sad. Pray for them, hug them, love them, and keep a caring eye on them, but let them cry and be sad.

2) It's going to take some time searching the Scriptures

Nancy's nuggets: "We only find comfort in the Bible when we approach it from a big picture perspective". "While grieving, we tend to shout "I am so MAD at God!", but why don't we say, "I am so MAD at sin?"

My thoughts: We all have our "pet" Bible verses that we turn to to make us feel better and remind us that God is there - this is a good thing and I am in no way discouraging this practice. But in tough situations, like dealing with grief, sometimes, those verses just don't seem to help. When you read "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Prov 3:5) while you are bawling your eyes out...to me, the next logical thought could potentially be "oh Lord, but how do I trust when I hurt so much?" Nancy is encouraging the griever to look at Scripture from a 10,000 foot view. Remember what happened in the garden - Adam and Eve sinned. It is because of sin that the world is how it is today. "God is not going to leave this world this broken where there is this much suffering." In fact, God sent His son Jesus to die on a cross for our sins and save us and give us eternal life in Him. When nothing else brings comfort, step back and remember the cross. God is faithful. He is there.

3) It's going to take some forgiving...and more forgiving

Nancy shared how she kept track of who asked about her daughter (and then her son) after they died. And who didn't. She noticed. It is so awkward and difficult to know what to say to someone who is in a horrible situation, such as the loss of a spouse or child. You don't want to upset them any more than they are already upset, you don't want to say the wrong thing...so oftentimes, we say nothing at all. And to the grieving person, that is like rubbing salt in the wound. It's like we are saying "the person you lost isn't important enough to ask about, to talk about"...now of course, that is NOT our intent at all, but to the grieving person who's emotions are on overload, that's exactly how it can come across. So my advice, ask the grieving person right off the bat if they mind you talking about or asking about their loved one, and if they give you the green light, and then ask questions. If they aren't ready to talk yet, let them know that you are waiting for them to tell you, that way they know you care and are ready to listen. I have been amazed to see the happiness, sometimes revealed through tears, of a friend sharing the few memories they have of a child or a spouse. Ask. And as the griever, please forgive us who just don't know what to do, we want to love you, and we must turn to God for Him to show us how. Be patient with us, we do care. Oh, and don't say "I can't imagine what you are going through" - Imagine it. Because that helps you to empathize better. Put yourself in that persons shoes, as painful as it will be. I read this on Noel Piper's blog (she lost her daughter at birth) and I've found it immensely helpful over the past months. Say "I can only imagine what you are going through."

4)It's going to require hard choices

Nancy's nuggets: "Grief keeps you feeling close to the one you have lost. The idea of losing that closeness is scary. So even though you want to heal, you don't". "You have to give grief permission to release its hold. "You don't move on, you move forward." "Make the choice to not be the woman defined by her grief but by her connection to Jesus Christ. "Your love for the person you lost is not defined by ongoing misery"

My thoughts: I don't have much to add here, because this was a valuable insight to me. I had never thought about the comfort grief can bring and I hope it makes me more sensitive. Also, one thing that I've noticed is that a griever just wants to feel "normal" again. And they need to realize that they will never feel their old "normal" again, they have to find a new "normal". I think this aligns with Nancy's "you don't move on, you move forward."

5)It's going to require some telling yourself the truth

Nancy's nuggets: "What do you do with the voices and thoughts in your head? Capture them and confront them - ask, 'is that true?' And if it isn't, start arguing with it. Confront your thoughts"

My thoughts: This applies to grief and other situations we can find ourselves in - our imaginations start running away with us and Satan knows exactly what to whisper to us to make ourselves start doubting that God loves us. This was a Scripture I texted to my friend when she was in the hospital and one that I find myself using almost daily: "We destroy thoughts and every lofty opinion against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ"  - 2 Corinthians 10:5. Satan's whispers of doubt can seem loud, but God's voice is always, ALWAYS louder.

6) It's going to take some reaching out to someone else

Again, this is a point that applies to grief and other situations, such as chronic illness. We can become so wrapped up in our own hurt and grief, that we forget others. So at some point, we need to start reaching out to others, serve someone. Maybe there is another woman who has just lost a child and you know exactly how she feels - go talk to her, bring her family a meal.  Nancy's nugget: "Your pain makes you more sensitive to someone else's pain"

7) It's going to take God Himself filling in the empty places in yourself

Nancy's nuggets: "My grace is sufficient for you..." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. God does not see your emptiness as a problem, He sees it as an opportunity. God does his best work with empty. He fills us with Himself".

My thoughts: Nothing in this world can fill that emptiness that the griever feels - the empty side of the bed, the arms that long to hold the child that is no longer there. God can. God is the ultimate healer. I think that when we hear that statement "God is the ultimate healer" we think that means God can fix everything and make it all better. Yes, God can fix it and He can make it better, but that doesn't mean it's going to change what you went through - it just means that He is going to grow you closer to Him and change your heart to see Him better - to see that He is being glorified through what you are going through, and there are a thousand things going on in the background that you can't see, but He can. So griever, turn to Him, trust in Him, cling to Him when you can't see where to step next. He is faithful.

So there you go. My thoughts are by no means perfect or the end all/be all. I am still learning and growing. I would love to hear what you all have learned by walking through grief or walking with a grieving friend. And I am so thankful for people like Nancy Guthrie, who allow themselves to be used by God to minister to and encourage others.