Unfiltered

*I wrote this a few weeks ago and debated about posting...but I hope that someone is encouraged by this and that He will be visible through this post and the posts to follow about what He is teaching me*


It started with a phone call. A phone call that reported the results of a recent test were normal.

Normal.

Who would think that the word "normal" would bring on tears of frustration and despair? That it could create a gut-tightenen fear that it was back to the beginning, that the past five months of pain and suffering hadn't accomplished anything, that the same questions were still open, unanswered...maybe not answerable? Ever?

If the test is normal, why the pain, why the nausea, why the vomiting? That's not normal. How could the test be normal?

And then, bleakness. A stretch of gray, of fog. Numbness settles in. Not numbness to the pain that increases when eating, forcing a diet of liquid and pureed foods. No, it is a numbness to feeling, to processing the potential of what lies ahead - the continued journey to answer the questions. To find the source of the problem, of the pain. The inability to comprehend that a journey that had been seemingly coming to a close, HAD to be coming to a close, was torn wide open again. The threads of new healing ripped apart and the wound made red and raw.

I am not strong enough. Why does God think I am strong enough? I'm so tired. Surviving yes, but not thriving. Not moving forward. Stagnant. Perhaps trudging at times, but still the slowness, a fading.

How do I live a life I never wanted or asked for? How do I reconcile my hopes and dreams with His plan for me?

I know the answer. I fear the answer.

There is no reconciliation. Only change. He must change my heart.

I read the words "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - Psalm 16:1. Preserve me? Is that really what I want?

Further study reveals the definitions of "preserve" - "to keep safe from injury, harm, and free from decay" - no, that's not right...and then there is this: "to keep up and reserve for personal or special use". Yes. That's it. I am being "kept up" - not free from harm or injury, but sustained. For His purpose. Looking up "refuge" reveals "shelter from danger and distress, something to which one has recourse in difficulty." What's recourse? Recourse: a turning to something or something for help or protection. A source of help or strength. Yes, that is it as well. I seek a source of help, strength, and protection.

I find I can say those words now, "Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge" - or rather, reworded per their definitions:

Keep me up, Oh God, and reserve me for your use, for in you I seek help, strength, and protection.

It's not an answer. But it is a start. A lessening of the numbness.

Growing Hinds Feet

I just finished reading this phenomenal book called "Hinds Feet on High Places." It is about a woman named Much Afraid who has a physical disability (she has crooked feet). She is on a journey to the High Places to live with the Great Shepherd. Her companions on her journey are Sorrow and Suffering and as she travels, she encounters people who would like to distract her from her journey. These people are named Fear, Self-Pity, Bitterness, Pride, and Resentment. Along this journey, the Great Shepherd promises to change her crooked feet into feet (Hinds Feet) that will be able to run and bound all through the High Places.

Holy-a-bazillion-lessons-learned-and-tons-of-encouragement-received-Batman.

You all should just start calling me Much Afraid, because I am SO her. At first, Much Afraid is frightened by her companions, Sorrow and Suffering, they seem forbidding and scary. But then, she starts to see how helpful they are at teaching her things and helping her through some of the challenges she encounters. They strengthen her and guide her, and they eventually all become friends. I can relate so well to Much Afraid here. Sometimes I stare into the face of the next wave of pain and think "there is no way I can do this." And I want to give up. And then, the remembrance comes of a past sorrow or suffering and how I thought I couldn't get through that, and I did, by His grace. And I think on what helped then, and apply it to my current situation. Sometimes I do that consciously, sometimes, I am too afraid to think straight and it happens anyway, a Scripture verse, a past encouragement from a friend, something will pop into my mind and it will pull me back from the edge and suddenly, I know I can handle what is ahead. I don't know how I will handle it, but I have a peace that He will give me the strength to handle it.

There is a part in the book that made me cry with the truth of it and how well I could relate. Much Afraid and her companions are taking shelter in a small hut in the Forests of Danger and Tribulation while a massive storm rages outside. As Much Afraid sits inside, thinking over her journey so far, she has the following thought:

"It seemed as though her senses had been quickened in some extraordinary way, enabling her to enjoy ever detail of her life; so that although her companions actually were Sorrow and Suffering, she often felt an almost inexplicable joy and pleasure at the same time. This would happen when she looked at the bright, crackling flames in the log fire, or listened to the sounds of lashing rain overhead emphasizing the safety and peace within the hut, or when she saw through the window the tossing trees waving their arms against a background of scurrying clouds or lightning-rent sky. Or again, very early before daybreak, when she saw the morning start shining serenely through a rift in the clouds or heard the clear jubilant note of a bird during a lull in the storm."

Over the past, well, going on 2.5 years now, I feel that MY senses have been quickened. I notice and appreciate things in life that I never would have noticed before - part of it is learning how much I take certain things for granted, but it's more than that too.  The joy and elation I receive from seemingly simple experiences like having dinner with a good friend and talking about everything under the moon for hours or my friend's little girl running up to me at church to greet me and cling to my leg or chatting and laughing with my coworker or talking with my nephews on FaceTime or hearing about what the Lord is doing in a friend's life. All of these things seem so much sweeter to me these days and I am so thankful for the ability to appreciate these seemingly simple experiences in a deeper way. It's hard to define in words, but it is such a deep rooted feeling of happiness and contentment that I start grinning pretty idiotically when I think about it :). 

How in the world can I feel like that when I am physically and sometimes, emotionally, suffering? I can only point to Him, because I know I am not capable of being THAT optimistic or positive about things. And then I start thinking about how He provides for me, and that feeling of deep rooted joy just grows. What have I done to deserve such a blessing? Nothing. Yet He loves me so much that He chooses to teach me and bless me. I'm discovering that although the lessons may seem hard, and even insurmountable at times, there is always something good in the lesson. It's packaging may be different than what I expected, but I am finding that if I wait, and pay attention, and trust, the good starts to unfold, sometimes small, and sometimes astounding in its greatness. I wouldn't trade all the difficulty of these lessons for what I have learned through them.

So this journey continues, with companions that I may not have chosen for myself, but I trust that He has chosen them to help me grow my hinds feet.

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. 

I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord;

I have no good apart from you."

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

in whom is all my delight

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out 

or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;

because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

or let your holy one see corruption

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore

Update

I have some great news to report. That new pain med I mentioned a couple of weeks ago has allowed me to return to work! It has been so nice to go back and be productive and have some sense of normalcy back in my life. Learning how to manage my pain has been a lesson in trial and error. I've finally worked out what I think is the right timing. I set my alarm to go off between 2:30am and 3am, take the pain med, and then go back to sleep. By the time my "real" alarm goes off, the pain med has built up in my system sufficiently to allow me to move around with decent comfortability and to sit at work. Praise God! My GI doc and I are going back and forth on what to do next, since the pain hasn't changed in the month I have been on the stomach contracting meds. I've decided to get a second opinion because one of the options my GI doc is proposing is pretty "out there" and makes me nervous. So stay tuned on all that.

I found out the hard way yesterday that other timings of the pain med do not work. I turned off the pain med alarm went it sounded, but fell back asleep before taking it. I woke up at 530am, hurting badly, and took the pain med. Unfortunately, the pain med was never able to actually get ahead of the pain, so I had very uncomfortable day at work. When I am in pain, I tend to get very emotional, so I sat teary-eyed at my desk for a large portion of the day, sniffling and doing my best to focus on my work. Yes, I could have gone home, but I was being stubborn and trying to muscle through it - I just wanted to be normal again. I do have fantastic co-workers who have been so supportive and encouraging through all of this and I can share with them openly how things are going, so that made things easier.

I reached a point yesterday while driving home where I told God that I thought it was nice and all that He thought I was strong enough to handle all of this, but I really thought He was wrong, and there was no way I could keep going on in this fashion. I can't tell you all how tired I am of this trial, of hurting, of not being able to do the things I want to do. Enough is enough. I'm glad the Lord has patience with me and listens to me whine and whimper, and then graciously gives me the strength to continue through multiple ways. A dear friend sent me a John Piper (he's a pastor) quote that really encouraged me.

In Proverbs 31:25, it says "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." Proverbs 31 describes the godly woman that I strive to become. And this is what Piper had to say about this verse:

She looks away from the troubles and miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make the future bleak, and she focuses her attention on the sovereign power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth whatever he pleases (Ps. 115:3). She knows her Bible, and she knows her theology of the sovereignty of God, and she knows his promise that he will be with her and will help her and strengthen her no matter what. This is the deep, unshakable root of Christian womanhood. And Peter makes it explicit in verse 5. He is not talking about just any women. He is talking about women with unshakable biblical roots in the sovereign goodness of God—holy women who hope in God.

Wow right?

It was such a good reminder to me on what I need to be focusing on - not my pain, not my weariness, not my frustration, but the fact that I have a sovereign God who loves me and is working out His perfect plan in my life and that my strength comes from Him and Him alone. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly He can have me do a 180 in my attitude, but that happened yesterday afternoon, and despite the pain of the day, I arrived home at peace and feeling blessed.

Thank you diligent readers for continuing to follow this journey that I am on, I am sure you tire as well of hearing reports that vary little and seem to be dragging, but I appreciate your concern, caring, and prayers. There is good coming out of all of this. And He is being glorified. 

Being steadfast amidst the ups and downs

image courtesy of http://www.steadfast.com.au/html/

I've been on the new stomach contracting meds for almost a week now. They are definitely helping me eat better! I was thrilled to have gained two pounds over the last two weeks (not every day that you hear a woman get excited about gaining weight :) ). It's nice to hear my stomach growl again. With the new meds, the doctor had said that I should see the pain start to lessen over time. Everyone keeps asking "well, how much time?" Oh my goodness, I wish I knew. And that's been the most recent hurdle for me to tackle. Patience. Again.

Now that we have a "forward plan, " I want everything to hurry up and get better a la pop-the-magic-pill-and-the-pain-goes-away...and that hasn't happened yet. Well, to be clear, the new med doesn't take the pain away. But my trusty Vicadin does :) - and makes me woozy, and dizzy, and queasy, and if I am talking to you and suddenly shake my head or gaze over your shoulder, it's cause I am seeing two or three of you :). There have been a few dose-ings of pain meds where I have gone 6 to 7 hours in between a dose, but it's still pretty much the standard every 5 hours, and I had a couple of really rough pain days last week AFTER I started the new meds, so...patience. Blah.

I'm currently studying the book of Hebrews and the book of James with one of my accountability partners and with my roommate, respectively. So far, both books have been a lot about suffering and trials and what I have learned thus far in my studies has been so applicable and helpful to my current situation. The most recent lesson on James was no exception. This is the verse that stuck out to me:

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" - James 1:12

Merriam-Webster definition of steadfast: firmly fixed in place or firm belief, determination and adherence, not subject to change.

I found myself staring at the word "steadfast" and wondering where my steadfastness had gone. Last week, before the new meds, I was all patient and waiting and trusting. Post new meds, I became anxious, impatient, and exasperated. I do trust that the Lord is doing His work in me, not just because He has provided a new med for me to be on, but because He is working all of this out for my good and His glory (see Philippians 1:6).

So why can't I still be steadfast (or at least, attempt to be steadfast...my steadfastness has never been the greatest, even on my "best" days)?

Ah, it would be because I am trusting in the wrong things - my willpower to make myself better, the pill that I swallow before every meal, my plan. All the wrong things. I can be thankful that He has given me medicine, determination, goals, but I need to not put my trust in those, but put my trust in Him. So this week, I am focusing on being steadfast by trusting in Him, meditating on the verse from James, and the other verses I looked up regarding the Lord's own steadfastness in my life - He is a perfect example of steadfastness and that is who I should be looking to for how to be steadfast. Thanks be to Him and His grace to open my eyes so quickly to see the error of my where I am placing my trust and for Him to work in my heart to realign it.

How many times can one work in the word "steadfast" into a blog post? Answer: 13 times :)

Leaps and bounds

I'm sitting (er...reclining...I don't "sit" anymore :) ) here with about eight electrodes attached to my torso, my arm resting on a small computer that I am wearing in a glorified fanny pack as a small camera (it's the size of a large vitamin and it had blinking LEDs...and I swallowed it. Eek!) makes it's way through my innards and records its journey. Pretty cool, huh? I am thankful for technology. But this post isn't about my thankfulness for technology, it's about the leaps and bounds progress that my attitude has made over the past two years.

I have been OVERWHELMINGLY blessed by the number of visitors over the past two weeks (I have at least one per day),  the quantity of emails, text messages - people checking in on me, seeing how things are going, asking if they can bring over anything. I'm a bit dumbfounded. And I have had several people thank ME for allowing them to come over and clean my house or bring me groceries - they are thankful that I allowed them to help. While one friend was sharing this with me, I was struck but how far God has brought me over the past two years, because this time around, there was never any question in my mind about needing help - I needed it! But that hasn't always been my attitude.

Two years ago when I was dealing with The Back, I had a really hard time accepting help. I didn't want anyone to see me so helpless and pitiful (admit it folks, my gimping around was quite pitiful). I didn't want to accept help and, I didn't want to ask for help. Whether or not I said it out loud, I wanted to be self-sufficient. My pride not only damaged a couple of friendships that, thankfully and mercifully,  God has since restored, but it also kept me from experiencing the blessing of receiving help, of showing a vulnerability and openness that deepens friendships. I don't know when my attitude changed. I think it has been a slow process, based on the desire He has given me to know Him better and to strive to seek His face in all things. To learn how to trust Him more. Over the past two years, He has allowed me to see that I do need help and that allowing people to help allows them to demonstrate the brotherly love that we are called to show to one another as believers, it allows THEM to grow in their walk with God as well.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" - John 13:34

"Love one another in brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honor" - Romans 12:10

Exercising humility can grow my brothers and sisters in Christ!? I find that really special. Especially since over the past two years, and more so over the past eight months, I have been so convicted to pray more for the growth of my fellow believers, to pray as Paul prays in Colossians 1:9-10 "And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God." So here is another way that I can encourage those around me...by letting them help me. That seems so simple, but it can be SO hard at times.

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days because it's been just such a nice surprise to see how far God has brought me, know that I still have a ways to go, but to be able to SEE the changes He has made in my heart and know that it is Him working...it's just been such a sweet couple of days of thinking on His goodness to me. I'm definitely still growing in this area of putting aside my pride and accepting help.  I got a great "mom look" from a friend this morning when she caught me trying to empty the dishwasher before she did the dishes...hehehe...I'm still a work in progress. :)

So thank you to my brothers and sisters, to my friends, my family - thank you for showing love towards me and for allowing Him to work in and through you.

I'm not leaving

"I'm not leaving until you guys give me the results of my CT."

Yup, that is verbatim what I told my doctor yesterday. I appreciate my GI doctor, but he's not always the most prepared...for instance, having the CT results ready for my follow-up appointment with him.

The nurse chuckled at my statement and told me to sit tight. I chose to nap on the exam table. About 30ish minutes later, CT results in hand, the doctor and nurse entered the room and proceeded to have a very productive discussion in which my waning confidence in my doctor was restored by his probing questions, inclusive discussions about what to do next with my health, and surprisingly friendly bedside manner. Okay, doc, I'll keep coming to see you.

The CT results were clear - he had been looking for evidence of vasculitis - inflammation in the veins - and didn't detect any. Check that off the list of pain-culprits. The in-depth review of the EGD I had done last week revealed some lesions on my insides. Since these lesions are in a place that isn't accessible by currently available procedures, I will swallow a camera next week and let it move through my system, recording images of my insides to see how far the lesions extend. I think that's pretty cool :). And then the day after that, I will eat some radioactive oatmeal and be monitored to see how quickly it moves through my system to determine how severe my gastroparesis (paralysis of the stomach) is. The lesions and the gastroparesis may be part of my lupus...and they may be signs that yet another autoimmune disease is emerging.

That last bit..."yet another autoimmune disease" threw a wrench in my steadiness yesterday. "Another one? I already have three...and the one that this could potentially be is pretty brutal...ugh, is that what I am in for now? Good night, I'm 31 years old and falling apart. Why can't I ever be "textbook"?" - that was my internal monologue late yesterday afternoon. And I crumbled a bit. I got scared. Looking into the face of another disease, another set of medicines, another regime of dietary changes, symptoms, pain. "I don't think I can handle this. I don't want to handle this. Pass! Uh-huh, not going this way. Can I just check out please?"

After about ten minutes of blubbering, more logical thoughts starting popping up "hmm, call your rheumo doc and ask if the Benlysta could be worsening things that were already present." The abdominal pain started before I was on Benlysta and also returned before I was on Benlysta, but, that doesn't mean there might be some connection. An email sent to a friend was returned with a reminder of how I had just memorized 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Yup Lord, I am weak. But I know you can get me through this, whatever "this" turns out to be - lupus or something new.

Your grace is sufficient.

So I am not checking out. He won't leave me. Better yet, He will sustain me regardless of what the next hurdle is, no matter how little or big it is. If my God can be all in, so can I.

I'm not leaving.

Sufficient

Exactly a week ago, I was sitting on the couch on Tuesday evening, having some hard talks with God about a lot of different things.

One thing that was very prevalent was how MUCH I want to be healed and how I was not happy with the way things were going. I cannot begin to tell you how NOT a fan I am of narcotics. I've probably blogged about it enough at this point, but I really don't like things that make one not in control of themselves, and narcotics is one of those things. God has been really working on me to be a big girl and take my meds when I am supposed to - actually, it's a thing of necessity now because I really can't tolerate the pain without them. But He's been working on me to not just take the meds, but to be thankful for them. I can't say I'm always 100% there, but I do find myself being more grateful, so yay for progress.

But, along the lines of not being happy with taking the meds, and very much wanting to be off of them so I can drive and go to work and "be back to normal", I was thanking Him for the insane number of people who have emailed me, texted me, dropped by for a short visit, called, etc, to tell me that they are praying for me. It's astounding really...and as I was thanking Him AND grumbling in my heart at the same time about being dependent on these pain meds and how no progress was being made, the thought came to mind "why can't the prayers be enough?".

Hmm... well, that's an interesting question.

"Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether" - Psalm 130:4

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him" - Matthew 6:8

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weaknesses. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." - Romans 8:26-27

God knows exactly what I need, even before I can think of a prayer to utter that need. He is showing His love for me by moving people to think of me and pray for me. So why can't I be content in the prayers of those He has called to pray for me? So I sat there on the couch, kinda staring up at the ceiling...and decided, I WANT those prayers to be enough. I want to be content with what He has blessed me with...so I prayed for that...I asked Him to allow the prayers of the saints to be enough for me. It was kind of like the father from Mark 9:24 and his reaction after Jesus heals his child "I believe; help my unbelief!"

And He has...helped my unbelief that is...ever since Tuesday night, I haven't been anxious or grumbling at ALL about how things are going, my heart has been quiet and still and peaceful about what He is doing. I never thought to ask for contentment in prayers and it's been such a sweet realization to know I can ask for that and He is faithful to provide for me - what grace!

I have been so encouraged by visitors who have shared with me what God is doing in their lives and been able to pray for so many people while I'm lying here, switching between bed and couch, depending on my mood. Don't get me wrong, it's not all spiritual stuff I'm doing here at home, I am very thankful for Netflix, Star Trek seasons available on Netflix (yup, nerd alert), and Pinterest - all great diversions for my foggy brain - oh just wait until I am back to my usual self, I've got tons of projects overflowing the filing folders of my brain! But it still has been a sweet time of learning more about Him and seeing Him tangibly at work in the lives of those around me. It's quite hard to see what I am seeing and not let out a contented sigh.

Constantly amazed by His grace. He is El Shaddai.

Faithful

Two years ago on this day, I blogged about a particular Scripture that one of my sweet girls had sent me as an encouragement. I remember when I read it I was laying in bed, with the inflammation around my spine, unable to walk very well, and feeling very discouraged because I had hoped to sign up for a race that day and had come to the realization that I couldn't race.

Two years later, I find myself in bed again, unable to move very well due to severe abdominal pain, doped up on narcotics that allow me to not cry out and curl into a fetal position, but leaving me fuzzyheaded and unable to drive. In the last week, I have had one friend send me an amazing sermon on this Scripture and two friends send me encouraging words with this Scripture as it's base...apparently, God's trying to tell me something :)

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Looking back over the past two years, He has been faithful. I am renewed each day by Him. I lose hope, struggle with the whys, cry out in frustration and pain, leap with joy when progress takes place, and He has been there, answering my prayers with answers I couldn't have planned or imagined, answers better than what I was expecting, answers different from what I was expecting and He gives me the grace to process and accept them. He is faithful.

So that's what I am reminding myself of today - His faithfulness. I'm a little daunted by the new challenges that I am facing with my health. But He was there for the last two years, and He will be there for the next two years, or however long I am in this particular trial. And He'll be there for the next trial, and the next one...He is faithful.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him" - Lamentations 3:22-24

A David Moment

It's been a rough past five or six days pain-wise and sleep-wise and I've found myself getting pretty discouraged. My right hand recently broke out with the blister/ulcers that I usually get only when it gets cold outside (one of the aspects of the Raynaud's Syndrome that I have). It made me crinkle my brow, because I wouldn't think that would happen with the new meds in my system - I know I am not supposed to really start seeing results for another couple of months, but I didn't think that I would still be getting disease things - I was hoping everything would just freeze where it is at. And my abdomen pain has been pretty brutal at times and on top of all that, I am having a lot of trouble sleeping - I just can't sleep through the night and wake up and can stay up for hours before falling back asleep. It's been very wearing.

I found myself at caregroup last night not wanting to ask for prayer because I am so TIRED of praying for my health and tired of disappointing people when they ask me expectantly "so, are you feeling better?" and I have to say no. I know that probably sounds a little crazy, but I'm just being honest here. My sweet group had great encouraging things to say and did pray for me when I finally admitted that I didn't want to ask for prayer...and while I appreciated their prayers and concern, I still came home hurting, tired, and discouraged.

I've been studying the book of Hebrews, but I wasn't feeling it this morning. I journaled a bit and asked God to remind me that I do find joy in what He is doing through all of this and that I want to share that joy with others. I was feeling so weary. So I looked up verses on "weary".

I read Hebrews 12:3 but it wasn't what I was looking for...I went on to the next verse that had "weary" in it, Psalm 69:3- "I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." Um. WOW. What's this? Did I write this? Nope, David did...I flipped the page and started at the beginning of the psalm. Here's how God used this psalm to mightily encourage me today:

So you saw verse 3 (crying out, eyes growing dim)...and then nine verses later, David writes this:
"But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness" (Psalm 69:12). 

Oh Lord, YES! You know that I know this is all part of Your plan and that it is for my good and your Glory. But please Lord, in your timing, end this season for me.

And then David writes:

"I am afflicted and in pain; let your salvation, O God, set me on high" (Psalm 69:29)


Oh so true, and yes, Lord, I would really like for this disease to settle, to go away completely.

"I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. When the humble see it they will be glad; you who seek God let your hearts revive. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise his own people who are prisoners" (Psalm 69: 30-33)


Now, the study portion of my bible says that this is what David (who is writing this psalm with the perspective that we all should have in trials) will do if he is delivered from his trial. I agree with that, yet, I want to praise the Lord even if this trial doesn't end, because He never ceases to amaze me with how He blesses me and gives me grace - true, it may not be according to my plan, but it is always so much sweeter and greater than what I have planned. And I hope when I share how He has blessed me and given me grace, that it encourages those around me, that they will see Him working, and not me. And this is EXACTLY what David is saying. Whoa. Big whoa.

And finally, David writes:

"For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it and those who love his name shall dwell in it." (Psalm 69:34-36)


Ah yes Lord, my hope is not in this world, but in Heaven. One day, I WILL have perfect health. That day when I am with you for all eternity. What amazing hope!

I cannot tell you how encouraged I felt after going through this psalm and writing down those verses. My Father cares for me, He encourages me when I am discouraged and points me back to Him.

And that, was my David moment. ::grin::

Hopefully helpful

At the end of June I had the opportunity to attend The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference in Orlando. It was an amazing two and a half days and I plan to blog a summary of some of the messages (there were over 15(!!!) so I don't know if I will cover them all).

One of the breakout sessions was on grief. I attended the session with my friend who has recently lost her children due to premature birth. I was there mainly to support her, but I ended up learning so much and wishing that I had known some of this information before walking with her during her grief. The talk was aimed at the grieving woman, but it gave me such insight into the grieving process and I found I took away a lot of how to walk (or not to walk!) with someone during her grief. I know many of you out there who read this blog are dealing with grief or know someone who is processing the death of a loved one and wish you knew what to say or how to help. I'm going to share the notes I took during the session and my own thoughts on each item and I hope they are helpful to you.

The session was lead by Nancy Guthrie. Nancy has experienced the death of two of her children before they were age one. Hearing her share what she went through, what God taught her, and her desire to share and empathize with women who now share her situation, was sad, touching, encouraging, and beautiful.

The title of her talk was "Seven things it's going to take to get through this"

1) It's going to take some time to be sad

Nancy's nuggets: "Faith doesn't make loss hurt less" and "joy and sadness can coexist"

My thoughts: I so appreciated this statement. I think as Christians, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to "be happy because you belong to the Lord and He loves you" and we can feel as though if we are sinning if we feel sad. God created emotion and sadness is one of those emotions. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus. It's okay to feel sad. When counseling or talking with someone who is grieving, you don't have to feel like you need to cheer them up. Sometimes, they just need someone to sit with them and let them be sad. Pray for them, hug them, love them, and keep a caring eye on them, but let them cry and be sad.

2) It's going to take some time searching the Scriptures

Nancy's nuggets: "We only find comfort in the Bible when we approach it from a big picture perspective". "While grieving, we tend to shout "I am so MAD at God!", but why don't we say, "I am so MAD at sin?"

My thoughts: We all have our "pet" Bible verses that we turn to to make us feel better and remind us that God is there - this is a good thing and I am in no way discouraging this practice. But in tough situations, like dealing with grief, sometimes, those verses just don't seem to help. When you read "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Prov 3:5) while you are bawling your eyes out...to me, the next logical thought could potentially be "oh Lord, but how do I trust when I hurt so much?" Nancy is encouraging the griever to look at Scripture from a 10,000 foot view. Remember what happened in the garden - Adam and Eve sinned. It is because of sin that the world is how it is today. "God is not going to leave this world this broken where there is this much suffering." In fact, God sent His son Jesus to die on a cross for our sins and save us and give us eternal life in Him. When nothing else brings comfort, step back and remember the cross. God is faithful. He is there.

3) It's going to take some forgiving...and more forgiving

Nancy shared how she kept track of who asked about her daughter (and then her son) after they died. And who didn't. She noticed. It is so awkward and difficult to know what to say to someone who is in a horrible situation, such as the loss of a spouse or child. You don't want to upset them any more than they are already upset, you don't want to say the wrong thing...so oftentimes, we say nothing at all. And to the grieving person, that is like rubbing salt in the wound. It's like we are saying "the person you lost isn't important enough to ask about, to talk about"...now of course, that is NOT our intent at all, but to the grieving person who's emotions are on overload, that's exactly how it can come across. So my advice, ask the grieving person right off the bat if they mind you talking about or asking about their loved one, and if they give you the green light, and then ask questions. If they aren't ready to talk yet, let them know that you are waiting for them to tell you, that way they know you care and are ready to listen. I have been amazed to see the happiness, sometimes revealed through tears, of a friend sharing the few memories they have of a child or a spouse. Ask. And as the griever, please forgive us who just don't know what to do, we want to love you, and we must turn to God for Him to show us how. Be patient with us, we do care. Oh, and don't say "I can't imagine what you are going through" - Imagine it. Because that helps you to empathize better. Put yourself in that persons shoes, as painful as it will be. I read this on Noel Piper's blog (she lost her daughter at birth) and I've found it immensely helpful over the past months. Say "I can only imagine what you are going through."

4)It's going to require hard choices

Nancy's nuggets: "Grief keeps you feeling close to the one you have lost. The idea of losing that closeness is scary. So even though you want to heal, you don't". "You have to give grief permission to release its hold. "You don't move on, you move forward." "Make the choice to not be the woman defined by her grief but by her connection to Jesus Christ. "Your love for the person you lost is not defined by ongoing misery"

My thoughts: I don't have much to add here, because this was a valuable insight to me. I had never thought about the comfort grief can bring and I hope it makes me more sensitive. Also, one thing that I've noticed is that a griever just wants to feel "normal" again. And they need to realize that they will never feel their old "normal" again, they have to find a new "normal". I think this aligns with Nancy's "you don't move on, you move forward."

5)It's going to require some telling yourself the truth

Nancy's nuggets: "What do you do with the voices and thoughts in your head? Capture them and confront them - ask, 'is that true?' And if it isn't, start arguing with it. Confront your thoughts"

My thoughts: This applies to grief and other situations we can find ourselves in - our imaginations start running away with us and Satan knows exactly what to whisper to us to make ourselves start doubting that God loves us. This was a Scripture I texted to my friend when she was in the hospital and one that I find myself using almost daily: "We destroy thoughts and every lofty opinion against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ"  - 2 Corinthians 10:5. Satan's whispers of doubt can seem loud, but God's voice is always, ALWAYS louder.

6) It's going to take some reaching out to someone else

Again, this is a point that applies to grief and other situations, such as chronic illness. We can become so wrapped up in our own hurt and grief, that we forget others. So at some point, we need to start reaching out to others, serve someone. Maybe there is another woman who has just lost a child and you know exactly how she feels - go talk to her, bring her family a meal.  Nancy's nugget: "Your pain makes you more sensitive to someone else's pain"

7) It's going to take God Himself filling in the empty places in yourself

Nancy's nuggets: "My grace is sufficient for you..." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. God does not see your emptiness as a problem, He sees it as an opportunity. God does his best work with empty. He fills us with Himself".

My thoughts: Nothing in this world can fill that emptiness that the griever feels - the empty side of the bed, the arms that long to hold the child that is no longer there. God can. God is the ultimate healer. I think that when we hear that statement "God is the ultimate healer" we think that means God can fix everything and make it all better. Yes, God can fix it and He can make it better, but that doesn't mean it's going to change what you went through - it just means that He is going to grow you closer to Him and change your heart to see Him better - to see that He is being glorified through what you are going through, and there are a thousand things going on in the background that you can't see, but He can. So griever, turn to Him, trust in Him, cling to Him when you can't see where to step next. He is faithful.

So there you go. My thoughts are by no means perfect or the end all/be all. I am still learning and growing. I would love to hear what you all have learned by walking through grief or walking with a grieving friend. And I am so thankful for people like Nancy Guthrie, who allow themselves to be used by God to minister to and encourage others. 

Eruption at Volcanoes National Park

Did that get your attention (were you thinking - lava, fire, Melissa had to run for her life, what!?) :) ? No, it wasn't a volcanic eruption, but rather an eruption of memories during the hike my friend Erin and I did at Volcanoes National Park.

First off, I was so thrilled to go to this park. I've been fascinated with volcanoes since I was about 10 years old when I watched a documentary on the eruption of Vesuvius and the destruction of Pompeii. I've read books on the Mount St. Helen's eruption and Krakatoa. I think I seriously could consider being a volcanologist as a second career choice - that's how interesting I find volcanoes.

Anyhow, Erin and I started our trek by doing a 4 mile hike across one of the inactive craters. I enjoy hiking and was so thankful for the new pain medication that was tempering my joint pain sufficiently to where I could do this hike (it was a very low key hike, no crazy steep grades or climbing or anything like that - three doses of the pain meds throughout the day kept me fairly comfy).

When we stopped to eat lunch, I pulled out the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had made, bit into it, and my eyes flooded with tears. All at once, I remembered my grandparents and how they taught me about hiking. (Most of you will remember that I lost my Grandpa and Grandma last year suddenly, within a week of each other, and I was with my Grandma when she died. And that I had a great relationship with them. I'm still working through the emotions of how much I miss writing to them, getting their letters, and catching up over coffee when I visit Arizona).

My Grandma knew a TON about Arizona plants and wildlife and because she also took several classes in archaeology and participated in digs, she knew a lot about history, geology, etc. So hikes were actually teaching sessions for us grandkids. We learned the names of plants, types of rocks, what plants you could eat, hiking etiquette, the dos and don'ts of going to the bathroom on the trails, drink lots of water and eat oranges, etc. And we always had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and drank water out of repurposed syrup bottles (gotta love the Depression generation, they reuse EVERYTHING!). So when I bit into that sandwich, an image of a syrup water bottle popped up...and then every single memory I have of them on all the hikes we took as kids and into my adulthood literally flooded my mind and I couldn't see the crater in front of me anymore, only them. And I sat there, sniffling into my sandwich and trying not to burst out sobbing as I was again struck by how much I miss them. 

For the remainder of the hike, I found myself praying and thanking God for the relationship I had with my grandparents, for what they taught me, and actually glad that I missed them - because that means I loved them, and they loved me, and we had a relationship - and I am so very thankful to be able say that.

Volcanoes National Park was my favorite part about my vacation. God used it to heal me a bit more over the loss of my grandparents - what an unexpected blessing!

So thank you Lord, for the opportunity to remember my grandparents in such a good way on my trip and to allow my heart to heal a bit more.

Ligonier Conference recap

Ack - this is major blog catch-up.

At the beginning of May I went to the Ligonier Regional Conference here in Houston. The topic was "One Passion" and through several sermons, the speakers, Sinclair Ferguson and Steve Lawson, spoke about having one passion for God and how that looks in different areas: worship,  the Bible, work, and witnessing. The end of the conference concluded with an question/answer session with R.C. Sproul who video-teleconed in from Florida. Excellent teaching!!! It was the first time I had heard Steve Lawson speak and I enjoyed how he taught. So thankful for opportunities like this to spend a day and a half soaking up the wisdom these men have gained from their years of studying God's word.

Here were the highlights for me from each sermon:

One Passion in Worship

Hebrews 10:19-25

This text was written to new Christians who were used to an Old Testament form of worship (with robes, ceremonies, specific rules that had to be followed, etc), to show them and encourage them that their worship was now a first-hand experience, because of the presence of Jesus Christ. It is the presence of Jesus Christ that should drive a person to worship. Before Christ, worship was second hand, done through the priests. Now, "and since we have a great high priest" - that is, Jesus Christ, our worship is firsthand, and perfected by Christ, since Christ is in us.

"Singing praises to God is very often where we learn to think about God" - S.F.

One Passion in the Word


Psalm 119:161-168

The word "enthusiasm" - is Greek, en-theos - In God... wow, word-geek (me :) ) mind-blown. Those of us in God should be marked by our enthusiasm for God's word.

Marks of Spiritual Passion:
- Reverential awe - having a healthy, holy fear of the Lord - to take His word seriously
- Rejoicing - As believers, the joy that we have is the same joy that is in/was in Jesus Christ. The word of God should thrill our soul.
- Radiant love - It's a very good sign in your spiritual life if you can say you LOVE God's word
- Passion for God's word- circumstances should not change your praise of God. The deeper you go into the word, the more and higher you will praise God
- Real peace - our hearts are made to respond to God's word. Peace is not a destination, it is a by-product - only believers experience peace.

One Passion in Work


Titus 1:11-14

We need to be zealous in our works, you cannot compartmentalize good works, thus, whatever we do, we need to do it with zeal and passion, wholeheartedly. We were saved from lawless deeds in order to perform good deeds. There will always be consistency between the heart and deeds (Titus 1:16). As long as we are alive, there is work that we are supposed to be doing; when that work is complete, God will call us home. Good deeds/works are everything that God calls us to do within His will. Questions to ask yourself: are you born again? If so, are you doing good works? If so, are you doing them with zeal?

One Passion in Witnessing


Romans 1:14-17

If you have a passion for God, then you will have a passion for the gospel and then you will have a passion for sharing the gospel.

We are under obligation to give what we have been given (share the news of the gospel), we should be eager to share the gospel, and we should not be ashamed to share the gospel.

Quiet and still

I seem to be full of contradictory thoughts lately when it comes to this trial that I have been walking. I had a few really rough days this past week - Wednesday evening had me unable to sleep and up at midnight furiously journaling to try and reason out why I am going through this - I love to write and I tend to write out my prayers a lot. If you've talked to me, you know I talk quickly and can bounce around from topic to topic - so just imagine what goes on inside my head sometimes... it's factors worse, trust me :). Here's an excerpt from that particularly difficult, and ultimately growing, night:

 "I know you (God) have a plan and purpose and that I need to rely on you completely...and I feel that I do, by Your grace, so why I am still in this trial? Why do I still hurt? I just don't know how else I can grow through this. I've been here for so long, what more can you teach me? And yet, I am grateful Lord, I complain, yet I know you are there, I give up, but you continue to sustain me. Oh how do I keep going back and forth like this!?"

Ha, I read that and tears come to my eyes as I am overwhelmed by how God continually turns my eyes to Him, even when I fight it, even when I don't want to look, when I want to close my eyes and make everything go away - He makes me look at Him and marvel at the work He is doing in my stubborn heart - He opens my eyes to the small, beautiful things of every day life, continually works at stripping my heart of it's layers of ugliness so that He can replace it with His beauty.

I find myself more hungry for His word and wanting to know His character more. If this trial is bringing about all this, then why in the world would I want it to go away!? And yet...I do. Oh the contradictory nature of my thoughts sometimes! I am thankful for a God who was also Man and understands the turmoil of my thoughts and heart. I am thankful for His mercy and His patience to let me blather on and still continue to prod me along His path - I wish I traveled it with feet "a trippin' merrily" but, I don't...not always. Oh the fuss I can make sometimes!

A friend sent me an email on Monday with an article that had this verse in it: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." - Isaiah 26:3-4. I did a pretty long study on Isaiah awhile ago, and I don't remember that verse. But Wednesday night, God used it much during my journaling chaos to still my mind and my heart and to focus on Him. To find my joy in Him. To remind me that my stability is on my Rock, not on the current state of my health.

On Friday, I must have timed my meds wrong, because I yakked my guts up through the morning as my girlfriends and I made our way up to Austin for a fun overnight trip. I sat in the car, desperately willing my stomach to settle and for the waves of nausea to pass, and lamenting that I might have to stay in bed the entire trip. Later that evening (with my stomach thankfully settled!)  a friend sent an email to me that spoke so clearly to the thoughts I was having during the car ride. She sent me a verse that had recently ministered to her: "Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind" Ecclesiastes 4:6.

Rather than being consumed by thoughts of what else to do with my disease, and frustrated with not being able to do things because I don't feel well, and, during the car ride to Austin, fiercely fighting against yakking my guts up more thanks to my meds, to just sit quietly, to accept what is going on, to know that He is at work and working everything out for my good and His glory, and to just stop fighting the path He has me on, to travel it quietly, with ears and heart open to what He wants me to learn. To be content and joyful in my trial. I can't tell you how many times I feel like I have learned how to do that, only to be right back at the beginning learning that lesson from a different perspective, deepening my understanding of what it means to be content and joyful.

So that's my focus - to be more quiet and still. To stop fighting against what I trust, and want to trust more and more, is God's way of working out His best for me.

I am not walking this trial alone. The two examples above of how God used friends to encourage me and remind of His presence are just the tip of the iceberg of the work He is doing in the background. I am so humbled and amazed by how much my God loves me.

Book droolage

Yup, another book that deserves a dedicated post.

Jesus + Nothing = Everything by Tullian Tchividjian

I don't think I've ever underlined, bracketed, and side noted a book more - it looks like it was attacked by a Smurf (um, I used a blue pen...Smurfs are blue...anyways...).

Back in the fall, my church was going through Colossians and during one of the sermons, the pastor said "Jesus plus nothing equals everything". At the time, I was doing my own little side study on the fullness in God, so this statement was quite appropriate (mind blowing) for me at the time. And then I discovered a book had just been released with this same title AND it was based on Colossians. Oh, how excited was I!? (very, in case you were wondering).

I find myself often putting more importance and emphasis on things rather than on God. And this book addresses the question "why do we need anything more than what we already have in Christ?". Hence the title: Jesus + Nothing =Everything.

Here are some of the underlined snippets. I encourage you to read this book.

"Our performancism leads to pride when we succeed and to despair when we fail. But ultimately it leads to slavery either way, because it becomes all about us and what we must do to establish our own identity instead of resting in Jesus and what he accomplished to establish it for us"

"As A.W. Pink once wrote, "The great mistake made by people is hoping to discover in themselves that which is to be found in Christ alone"

"Progress in obedience happens only when our hearts realize that God's love for us does not depend on our progress in obedience"

"We're always to soak first in what God has already done before we set out to do."

"When we're captured and captivated by who Jesus is, we'll be empowered and equipped to resist the constant temptations to settle for anything less"

"The hard work of Christian growth, therefore, is to think less of ourselves and our performance and more of Jesus and his performance for us"

"Christian growth, in other words doesn't happen by first behaving better, but by believing better - believing in bigger, deeper, brighter ways what Christ has already secured for sinners"

"Real freedom happens when the rich resources of the gospel smash any sense of need to secure for ourselves anything beyond what Christ has already secured for us"

"The gospel grants us the strength to admit we're weak and needy and restless - knowing that Christ's finished work has proven to be all the strength and fulfillment and peace we could ever want, and more"

"When you understand that your significance and identity and purpose and direction are all anchored in Christ, you don't have to win - you're free to lose"

"sin turns us inward and the gospel turns us outward. The gospel causes us to look up and out, away from ourselves. It turns our gaze upward to God and outward to others, both to those inside the church and those outside it"

"In fact, real spiritual growth happens as we look up to Christ and what he did, out to our neighbors and what they need, not in to ourselves and how we're doing"

"Our natural tendency is to focus on ourselves - on our obedience (or lack thereof), on our performance (good or bad), on our holiness - instead of on Christ and his obedience, his performance, and his holiness for us"

"This means that for Christians, the level of passion with which God loves you is not determined by the level of passion with which you love him. The Son's passion for you secured the Father's passion for you"

"The determining factor in my relationship to God is not my past or my present, but Christ's past and his present"

"This freedom Jesus secured for me is not freedom from pain and suffer; rather, it's a freedom in pain and suffering"

"Where are we focusing our efforts? Are we working hard to perform? Or are we working hard to rest in Christ's performance?"

"Fantastic Voyage?" Sorta...

The post title is a throwback to the 1966 movie "Fantastic Voyage" - where a special submarine and medical crew are miniaturized and injected into this guy's body to repair something...I've never seen it, only heard the references (yeah, it was either "Fantastic Voyage" or "Invisible Enemy", which is an old Doctor Who episode, as the post title - I figured I'd have more bites on the F.V. :) ).

I almost posted pictures... but I think that would be crossing the line...I mean, who really wants to see the inside of my stomach?

On Friday I had an EGD (esphagogastroduodenoscopy) done - where they knock you out and stick a camera down your throat to look inside your stomach. On top of the flare I have been having, I've developed some intense stomach pain, so the investigation has commenced. Thankfully, the EGD was normal - I got to see cool pics (after the procedure of course. I was awesomely unconscious for it...) of my esophagus and stomach and stuff. Everything checks out clean...which is both relieving and frustrating because, where is the pain coming from? The gastro doc is having me get a CT this week to see if that will show anything. Huge praise is that I didn't react badly to the anesthesia as I have in the past - the plastic bowl/bag strategically placed in my friend Amanda's car for the ride home was NOT needed :). I think she might be more thankful than I am...

In the meantime, I'll admit I'm having a rough go of it, so prayers are appreciated. I appear to have picked up a sore throat/cough bug, so that in addition to the stomach pain, in addition to the fever/joint pain from the flare is just not much fun. So if you ask me how I am doing and get a subdued "eh"...well, I'm just being honest...I can only wear the "everything's hunky-dory peachy keen" mask for so long - it gets tiring and it's not honest. So working on the balance between being honest, but not complaining. I've been spending more time praying for others - I find that helps take my thoughts off of me and avoids that self-pity cycle that can be easy to get into.

I am HUGELY thankful that my stomach has starting growling again and my appetite seems to be picking up. Praise God! And that even though I don't feel well, I am still able to get things done at work and at home - a HUGE blessing. It definitely helps mentally and emotionally when you can still be productive. And God has been teaching me more and more about how His plans are different than mine, and better, even though I can't understand exactly why things have to happen they way they do. And that He will sustain me. I am learning more about not stewing on the "why is/isn't this happening?" and more on just resting on "I AM" and the fact that "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20).

Whew, but SO ready for this particular trial to be over. And that's being honest :)

Gratitude

A sweet friend sent me this song as an encouragement, which it has accomplished...lyrics are below and you can listen to it here.

Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

180 degrees

I had a 180 degree moment this week.

Background (potentially background overkill...)

I am still flaring and this past weekend, started having some intense stomach pain, so I headed to my regular doctor on Tuesday. I'm on the low dose of steroids, which can cause ulcers, so I thought maybe that was the problem, even though I have been on oral steroids a TON in the past and never had any problems. She agreed the pain was definitely my stomach (versus connective tissue, because I have had problems with connective tissue inflammation in the area that the pain was in) and expressed concern about the pain combined with the weight loss I have had, so she said I need to get an endoscopy of my stomach done. So I have a consultation with a gastroenterologist next week to get that scheduled. She prescribed an acid reflux med and an appetite stimulant. But, I am SO tired of swallowing medicines, that I've decided to hold off on the appetite stimulant and see if acupuncture can help. Yup, I am back under the needles. I had 30 (!!!) in me on Thursday. The last time I was flaring, the needles helped break the cyclic fevers I get when I flare, which helps SO much in making me feel better ('cause really, you just feel so BLAH when you have a fever). I had needles in my stomach too, and those HURT going in, so that's an acupuncture-y sign that something is going on. And my stomach started growling again when she put them in...so hopefully a good sign of things to come. I see the acupuncturist next week as well, so I am hoping to get the same fever-eradicating results as last time :). Oh and my rheumatologist decided to double my dose of one of my immunosupressive meds. So needless to say, I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually maxed out on doctors, pills, and the "House- esque"-ness of my situation by mid-week.

End background overkill.

But the title of the blog comes into play this past Thursday, as I was sitting in my car in the drive thru pickup line at Walgreen's to get the acid reflux medicine. Originally, the prescription my doctor wrote wasn't covered well by my insurance and I wasn't going to spend that much money on something that may or may not fix the problem. So, this was actually round two at Walgreens for this med. The pharmacist told me the total and it was even more than the first prescription and that it was so expensive because I had reached the limits on my insurance. That made me pause. 1) I have really good insurance, so that just sounded weird and 2) fleeting panic on what would happen if my insurance REALLY was maxed out. And then my brain kicked in and I started asking a series of questions about my prescriptions on file, had them rerun some insurance stuff, and finally requested that they remove the first acid reflux med request from my file and voila! the new med cleared (cost me $5, yay insurance!). As I was driving away, I found myself thinking "wow, that's just great, cluttering up my brain with all sorts of prescription/insurance-y info, wish I didn't know this stuff"...and God just turned my thoughts and my attitude 180 degrees. I became THANKFUL that I knew what questions to ask and what suggestions to make - it probably saved me about an hour on the phone with the insurance company the next day trying to figure out what the problem was.

I am so thankful that God is faithful to continue to do the work He is doing in my life even when I am not open to His teaching. Reminding me that He is Sovereign. Increasing my dependency on Him. Reminding me that He is all I need.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" - Philippians 1:6

Back to square one?

It might just be back to square one. With respect to treating my disease that is.

I started flaring again last week and just happened to have my standard every 3 month rheumatologist appointment scheduled for today, so the timing worked out well. I hate when I make my rheumatologist get a sad face- he just sits there and listens to me list off my physical complaints and his brow gets more furrowed and the corners of his mouth turn down more. Just not fun. I appreciate how dedicated he is to getting me feeling better and that he really listens to me.

As you loyal blog readers know, my disease has been really unstable the past two years. I’ve been flaring more than I have been in remission. My doctor and I finally said the words I was loathe to hear at today’s appointment -“the meds aren’t working, we need to try something new."

A new drug was just approved last March for the treatment of Lupus - which I don’t officially have, although I have a ton of symptoms of it. That’s the tricky part about autoimmune diseases - there is so much overlap of symptoms that it can be very hard to figure out the exact name of your disease (for instance, for about 4 years, my diagnosis was Mixed Connective Tissue Disease - then I presented much more solid symptoms of Sjogren’s and Raynaud’s - so it changed to that - but lately I have been presenting lupus and other autouimmune disease symptoms - so it’s a constantly changing beast). This new drug sounds really scary. I should be used to scary drugs, considering the cocktail I take now, so for me to say it sounds scary, well, you get what I mean.

If we did decide to go with this new drug, I wouldn’t start until the summer because of the trips I have scheduled. I am willing to wait until after the trips because I am not horribly uncomfortable or incapacitated. And I really want to go on these trips. The side effects of the medication and how it has to be administered (via IV) would prevent me from traveling to remote locations until we see how my body reacts to it. And I get the feeling that my doctor wants to mull it over a bit longer too, so we aren't rushing into anything at this time. They took a TON of blood today and we are still trying to figure out why a year and a half ago my body stopped responding to the steroidal treatments that we were using to stop the flares. I’m thankful for the time to think this over and also look at other options and possibly get a second opinion, as much as I trust my current doc.

So for now, I maintain the usual medicine cocktail and we added a low dose of prednisone (steroids) to help as an appetite stimulant (since we're pretty sure the steroids won't do anything with the inflammation due to my apparent immunity) - let's just say I've lost a decent amount of weight over the past few months and I don't want to end up looking like Skeletor :eww:

So here's to this flare being short lived. And I would greatly appreciate prayers for wisdom for me and my doctor on what to do next. Also, can I just say how thankful I am to live in an age where we have these medicines to help keep us feeling well? Read in a Melissa voice: "I am thankful" :)

Much

The past two months have been MUCH for me. Much of good, much of sad, much of pain, much stress, much of growing, much of clinging to God, just MUCH.

Listening to my siblings walk through challenges and trying to be a good big sister, watching my Grandma continue to decline and the stress on my parents as they care for her, watching my dear dear friends lose their three precious boys, watching my friends see their young one diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. And dealing with some of my own stuff. MUCH.

And asking why a lot. Why the pain, why the suffering, why the confusion and frustration, why the trials, why the tears. My emotional glass is overflowing.

And I have no answers to those whys.

But I have glimmers. Because through each of these horribly sad and seemingly needless (to me) trials that I have witnessed these past two months - I see His hand moving. Part of me doesn't want to see it, part of me wants to cry out in unfairness - but He is so gracious to patiently show me that even though I don't understand WHY, He does. And that is okay- it's actually better that way. A lot better. And while tears are streaming as I type this, there is a quiet and deep peace, that He will bring good from all these events, I have to admit, I've seen it already - the jaw-dropping beauty of parents praising God for the brief time they had with their baby boys, the deepening trust of a mom, who through tears, injects her kiddo with medicine to ease the pain of disease, the sweet Scripture verses sent by several friends to remind me of God's sovereignty and His absolute and unconditional love for me, and the tangible greater awareness I have of His love than I did two months ago.

"From of old no one has heard or perceived by the ear, no eye has seen a God besides you, who acts for those who wait for him" - Isaiah 64:4.

So I wait Lord - with anticipation to see the fruit that will come from these trials. The growing of my friends in their knowledge of your character, the encouragement I receive from how they walk with you through these trials, the tighter clinging, from all of us, to the Cross each day.

"For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid? For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen" - Romans 11:34-35

So yes, through tears, through unanswered questions, Glory be to you Lord. You have not changed, you are Sovereign. Thank you for allowing me to see that and to truly believe those words, not just type them. That is grace.

Art Project

I'm hooked on Pinterest (a virtual bulletin board where you can pin all sorts of ideas) and I found this artwork on there and decided to make my own.

"It is Well with My Soul" by Horatio G. Spafford is one of my favorite hymns and has come to mean even more to me over the past year and half, so using it in some art is a perfect addition to my home.

I started with a 11 X 14 canvas that I got on sale at Aaron Brothers (2-pack for $7!). All the other supplies I already had (finally a good use for all the sample cans of paint I have!)

All yellow!

Using my Cricut, I cut out the letters and fixed them with temporarily removable adhesive. The blue color I wanted was actually in the form of spray paint. Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I should have just spray painted the canvas, but I wanted brushy strokes on the canvas and for some yellow to show through, hard to achieve when just spraying. So, I sprayed the paint into a plastic container so I could dip the brush in it...

That was messy (my nails are still blue-ish)

But it worked! Although, the temporarily removable adhesive was definitely temporary, and the letters moved with the brush...so a lot more blue showed up. Easily fixed by hand brushing some yellow in...

And voila! Finished product. I love it :)

(that nifty metal robot was an awesome Christmas present from my roomie...I named him something, but I don't remember what it was...)

Thank you Pinterest!

Oh here are the words to the hymn in case you are interested:

1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
   When sorrows like sea billows roll;
   Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
   It is well, it is well, with my soul.
   • Refrain:
     It is well, with my soul,
     It is well, it is well, with my soul.
2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
   Let this blest assurance control,
   That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
   And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
3. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
   My sin, not in part but the whole,
   Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
   Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
   If Jordan above me shall roll,
   No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
   Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
   The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
   Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
   Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
6. And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
   The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
   The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
   Even so, it is well with my soul.