Growing Hinds Feet

I just finished reading this phenomenal book called "Hinds Feet on High Places." It is about a woman named Much Afraid who has a physical disability (she has crooked feet). She is on a journey to the High Places to live with the Great Shepherd. Her companions on her journey are Sorrow and Suffering and as she travels, she encounters people who would like to distract her from her journey. These people are named Fear, Self-Pity, Bitterness, Pride, and Resentment. Along this journey, the Great Shepherd promises to change her crooked feet into feet (Hinds Feet) that will be able to run and bound all through the High Places.

Holy-a-bazillion-lessons-learned-and-tons-of-encouragement-received-Batman.

You all should just start calling me Much Afraid, because I am SO her. At first, Much Afraid is frightened by her companions, Sorrow and Suffering, they seem forbidding and scary. But then, she starts to see how helpful they are at teaching her things and helping her through some of the challenges she encounters. They strengthen her and guide her, and they eventually all become friends. I can relate so well to Much Afraid here. Sometimes I stare into the face of the next wave of pain and think "there is no way I can do this." And I want to give up. And then, the remembrance comes of a past sorrow or suffering and how I thought I couldn't get through that, and I did, by His grace. And I think on what helped then, and apply it to my current situation. Sometimes I do that consciously, sometimes, I am too afraid to think straight and it happens anyway, a Scripture verse, a past encouragement from a friend, something will pop into my mind and it will pull me back from the edge and suddenly, I know I can handle what is ahead. I don't know how I will handle it, but I have a peace that He will give me the strength to handle it.

There is a part in the book that made me cry with the truth of it and how well I could relate. Much Afraid and her companions are taking shelter in a small hut in the Forests of Danger and Tribulation while a massive storm rages outside. As Much Afraid sits inside, thinking over her journey so far, she has the following thought:

"It seemed as though her senses had been quickened in some extraordinary way, enabling her to enjoy ever detail of her life; so that although her companions actually were Sorrow and Suffering, she often felt an almost inexplicable joy and pleasure at the same time. This would happen when she looked at the bright, crackling flames in the log fire, or listened to the sounds of lashing rain overhead emphasizing the safety and peace within the hut, or when she saw through the window the tossing trees waving their arms against a background of scurrying clouds or lightning-rent sky. Or again, very early before daybreak, when she saw the morning start shining serenely through a rift in the clouds or heard the clear jubilant note of a bird during a lull in the storm."

Over the past, well, going on 2.5 years now, I feel that MY senses have been quickened. I notice and appreciate things in life that I never would have noticed before - part of it is learning how much I take certain things for granted, but it's more than that too.  The joy and elation I receive from seemingly simple experiences like having dinner with a good friend and talking about everything under the moon for hours or my friend's little girl running up to me at church to greet me and cling to my leg or chatting and laughing with my coworker or talking with my nephews on FaceTime or hearing about what the Lord is doing in a friend's life. All of these things seem so much sweeter to me these days and I am so thankful for the ability to appreciate these seemingly simple experiences in a deeper way. It's hard to define in words, but it is such a deep rooted feeling of happiness and contentment that I start grinning pretty idiotically when I think about it :). 

How in the world can I feel like that when I am physically and sometimes, emotionally, suffering? I can only point to Him, because I know I am not capable of being THAT optimistic or positive about things. And then I start thinking about how He provides for me, and that feeling of deep rooted joy just grows. What have I done to deserve such a blessing? Nothing. Yet He loves me so much that He chooses to teach me and bless me. I'm discovering that although the lessons may seem hard, and even insurmountable at times, there is always something good in the lesson. It's packaging may be different than what I expected, but I am finding that if I wait, and pay attention, and trust, the good starts to unfold, sometimes small, and sometimes astounding in its greatness. I wouldn't trade all the difficulty of these lessons for what I have learned through them.

So this journey continues, with companions that I may not have chosen for myself, but I trust that He has chosen them to help me grow my hinds feet.

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. 

I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord;

I have no good apart from you."

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

in whom is all my delight

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out 

or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;

because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

or let your holy one see corruption

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore

A taste of Fall and Bookends

My fall decorations look the same as last year, but I do have one addition since I now have the dining table:

Fall leaves, pumpkins and gourds, and gilded scrapbook paper for placemats. Ahh, fall :)

I've been slowly collecting bookends to grace the shelves in my bedroom.  Most of them are from this online store called One Kings Lane - twice every day they have certain items for sale at really good prices and I've found three pairs of bookends there. The yellow "The End" sign was a score from my favorite store CB2.

Hello Mr. Owl

"The End" and Mr. Rhino

The group

See the bicycle bookends on the middle shelf?

Update

I have some great news to report. That new pain med I mentioned a couple of weeks ago has allowed me to return to work! It has been so nice to go back and be productive and have some sense of normalcy back in my life. Learning how to manage my pain has been a lesson in trial and error. I've finally worked out what I think is the right timing. I set my alarm to go off between 2:30am and 3am, take the pain med, and then go back to sleep. By the time my "real" alarm goes off, the pain med has built up in my system sufficiently to allow me to move around with decent comfortability and to sit at work. Praise God! My GI doc and I are going back and forth on what to do next, since the pain hasn't changed in the month I have been on the stomach contracting meds. I've decided to get a second opinion because one of the options my GI doc is proposing is pretty "out there" and makes me nervous. So stay tuned on all that.

I found out the hard way yesterday that other timings of the pain med do not work. I turned off the pain med alarm went it sounded, but fell back asleep before taking it. I woke up at 530am, hurting badly, and took the pain med. Unfortunately, the pain med was never able to actually get ahead of the pain, so I had very uncomfortable day at work. When I am in pain, I tend to get very emotional, so I sat teary-eyed at my desk for a large portion of the day, sniffling and doing my best to focus on my work. Yes, I could have gone home, but I was being stubborn and trying to muscle through it - I just wanted to be normal again. I do have fantastic co-workers who have been so supportive and encouraging through all of this and I can share with them openly how things are going, so that made things easier.

I reached a point yesterday while driving home where I told God that I thought it was nice and all that He thought I was strong enough to handle all of this, but I really thought He was wrong, and there was no way I could keep going on in this fashion. I can't tell you all how tired I am of this trial, of hurting, of not being able to do the things I want to do. Enough is enough. I'm glad the Lord has patience with me and listens to me whine and whimper, and then graciously gives me the strength to continue through multiple ways. A dear friend sent me a John Piper (he's a pastor) quote that really encouraged me.

In Proverbs 31:25, it says "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." Proverbs 31 describes the godly woman that I strive to become. And this is what Piper had to say about this verse:

She looks away from the troubles and miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make the future bleak, and she focuses her attention on the sovereign power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth whatever he pleases (Ps. 115:3). She knows her Bible, and she knows her theology of the sovereignty of God, and she knows his promise that he will be with her and will help her and strengthen her no matter what. This is the deep, unshakable root of Christian womanhood. And Peter makes it explicit in verse 5. He is not talking about just any women. He is talking about women with unshakable biblical roots in the sovereign goodness of God—holy women who hope in God.

Wow right?

It was such a good reminder to me on what I need to be focusing on - not my pain, not my weariness, not my frustration, but the fact that I have a sovereign God who loves me and is working out His perfect plan in my life and that my strength comes from Him and Him alone. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly He can have me do a 180 in my attitude, but that happened yesterday afternoon, and despite the pain of the day, I arrived home at peace and feeling blessed.

Thank you diligent readers for continuing to follow this journey that I am on, I am sure you tire as well of hearing reports that vary little and seem to be dragging, but I appreciate your concern, caring, and prayers. There is good coming out of all of this. And He is being glorified. 

Weekend project

With my head clear, I was finally able to make some design sense of frames and a blank wall space I had been staring at for weeks and since I am driving again, I managed a trip to Home Depot to grab a couple of packages of hangers. The result is this - a much more homier dining room/entryway!

I used some newspaper to get a feel for the layout that I wanted and voila!

Clockwise from top left: rocketship print from Etsy, watercolor from Prague of the Charles Bridge, llama print from Etsy, two 8 X 10 canvases I had printed with pictures I took in Budapest, Hungary of the Parliament building and of some men fishing in Kerala, India.

On the entryway wall, I hung all those 5X7 black and white pictures I've taken during my travels. I did the same thing with the newspapers to get a feel for a layout and then hammered away!

Ta-da!

Wide shot

Sidenote: several people have recently asked me what those Greek letters say. It's pronounced "koi-nee-nee-ah" and means "fellowship", because that's what I want my house to be about. People hanging out and having a good time. :). Stuff on the walls just makes a place look more lived in. I am liking the updates!

New med

On Friday, I started a new pain med. What is great about this med is that it doesn't give me a fuzzy brain and I can focus. I've finished two books since I started it (I can focus now to read) and I started driving again, it felt awesome to be able to go out and not have to call someone to pick me up (although I very much appreciate all the willing folks out there!)


The not-so-great thing is that it doesn't knock out the pain like the Vicadin does, so I am in a constant state of uncomfortable. It's not awful, but it's enough to remind me that I don't feel well and to squirm a bit (I may have told my roommate that I wish I could just remove my abdomen completely, she politely asked me not to). I did manage to sit up during the sermon at church and for lunch afterwards, so that's progress! So much so, that I told my bosses that I plan to work from home for a few hours on Tuesday and Wednesday and see how I do sitting up. I am crazy excited to work again! So right now, I've decided it's worth the pain/uncomfortableness to not be fuzzy-headed.

Keep those prayers coming for the pain to diminish - I am starting acupuncture again tomorrow and I am hoping that will help with things. I also have a long list of questions out to my doctor regarding why two weeks have passed on the the stomach contracting meds and there has been no change to the pain. Hoping to get some answers. Appreciate all the encouraging thoughts, prayers, and notes you all have been sending my way. Thanks so much, I am blessed!

Being steadfast amidst the ups and downs

image courtesy of http://www.steadfast.com.au/html/

I've been on the new stomach contracting meds for almost a week now. They are definitely helping me eat better! I was thrilled to have gained two pounds over the last two weeks (not every day that you hear a woman get excited about gaining weight :) ). It's nice to hear my stomach growl again. With the new meds, the doctor had said that I should see the pain start to lessen over time. Everyone keeps asking "well, how much time?" Oh my goodness, I wish I knew. And that's been the most recent hurdle for me to tackle. Patience. Again.

Now that we have a "forward plan, " I want everything to hurry up and get better a la pop-the-magic-pill-and-the-pain-goes-away...and that hasn't happened yet. Well, to be clear, the new med doesn't take the pain away. But my trusty Vicadin does :) - and makes me woozy, and dizzy, and queasy, and if I am talking to you and suddenly shake my head or gaze over your shoulder, it's cause I am seeing two or three of you :). There have been a few dose-ings of pain meds where I have gone 6 to 7 hours in between a dose, but it's still pretty much the standard every 5 hours, and I had a couple of really rough pain days last week AFTER I started the new meds, so...patience. Blah.

I'm currently studying the book of Hebrews and the book of James with one of my accountability partners and with my roommate, respectively. So far, both books have been a lot about suffering and trials and what I have learned thus far in my studies has been so applicable and helpful to my current situation. The most recent lesson on James was no exception. This is the verse that stuck out to me:

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him" - James 1:12

Merriam-Webster definition of steadfast: firmly fixed in place or firm belief, determination and adherence, not subject to change.

I found myself staring at the word "steadfast" and wondering where my steadfastness had gone. Last week, before the new meds, I was all patient and waiting and trusting. Post new meds, I became anxious, impatient, and exasperated. I do trust that the Lord is doing His work in me, not just because He has provided a new med for me to be on, but because He is working all of this out for my good and His glory (see Philippians 1:6).

So why can't I still be steadfast (or at least, attempt to be steadfast...my steadfastness has never been the greatest, even on my "best" days)?

Ah, it would be because I am trusting in the wrong things - my willpower to make myself better, the pill that I swallow before every meal, my plan. All the wrong things. I can be thankful that He has given me medicine, determination, goals, but I need to not put my trust in those, but put my trust in Him. So this week, I am focusing on being steadfast by trusting in Him, meditating on the verse from James, and the other verses I looked up regarding the Lord's own steadfastness in my life - He is a perfect example of steadfastness and that is who I should be looking to for how to be steadfast. Thanks be to Him and His grace to open my eyes so quickly to see the error of my where I am placing my trust and for Him to work in my heart to realign it.

How many times can one work in the word "steadfast" into a blog post? Answer: 13 times :)

I miss coffee

Coffee...oh that elixir of awesomeness that warms you and wakes you at the same time. I have been known to hug my coffee mug. Yes, I have issues, that should surprise none of you :). For the last four weeks (gasp, it's been four weeks!?) coffee has smelled and sounded disgusting to me. I'm allowed to drink it, I have no diet restrictions right now, but it just doesn't sound good to me. But I find myself missing it at the same time. Weird. Tea, on the other hand, sounds awesome, and I down about three mugs of it daily, black tea in the morning being a staple for the caffeine...still need my caffeine fix :)

The latest on the abdominal drama:

I met with the GI doctor on Tuesday and from the camera-swallowing test, he saw no new lesions - this is a HUGE praise because we didn't even talk about the "other" autoimmune disease that more lesions could have indicated. Such mercy.

From the gastric emptying test (instead of radioactive oatmeal, I ate a radioactive egg sandwich and then they filmed my stomach for the next ninety minutes to see how quickly my stomach emptied.) I do have gastroparesis (paralysis of the stomach) and it's severe enough that I started on meds yesterday. I take them before every meal to start my stomach contracting. The doc said that over time, the pain should lessen. Here's where the medical geek in me geeked out about the body/brain awesomeness (seriously, if I think to much about it, I think I slightly sprain something in my mind). What I am experiencing is called "visceral pain" - my stomach isn't working right, so it tells my brain "hey brain, I am not working correctly." The signal from the stomach is interpreted as a pain signal, so therefore, I feel pain. Crazy right? And difficult to treat. The whole gastroparesis thing isn't well understood either - it's most likely due to nerve damage, but from what? Most patients with gastroparesis are diabetics, which I am thankfully not. So I still have some open questions about that - the most likely culprit is the lupus. I have an infusion on Friday, so I am hoping to catch my rheumo doc then and ask him more about it.

So, now, I wait. I am going to email my acupuncturist and ask her if some Chinese herbs or some needles might help (the med I am on is only allowed for short-term use due to the serious side effects it has. After a month, I go on a less effective antibiotic...for how long, I am still not sure). Back in the spring, I was using acupuncture for my joint pain, lack of appetite, and fevers. It helped with the fevers and lack of appetite. I was experiencing the abdominal pain back then too, but it went away. I just connected the two thoughts yesterday that it went away after my acupuncture treatments, so there may be a non-medicine swallowing way to help the problem, which I am all for...so I am going to look into that.

Several people have asked - so, are you going crazy, having to be at home, and not just be at home and able to do stuff, but really, only be able to be at home and lay around all day? The answer is, surprisingly, no. Sure, I get a little antsy at times, and I am very much looking forward to getting back to my "normal" life, but God has given me such a peace and trust in how things are going. I am also blessed with at least one visitor per day and that really helps break up the day - I find my days going by swiftly. The fact that I am usually always on the go, doing fifty million projects at once, and always have a full schedule, and I am NOT going bonkers right now is only because of the grace and mercy of the Lord and I am very thankful for what He is doing in my life right now.

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" - Hebrews 12:11