Hopefully helpful

At the end of June I had the opportunity to attend The Gospel Coalition Women's Conference in Orlando. It was an amazing two and a half days and I plan to blog a summary of some of the messages (there were over 15(!!!) so I don't know if I will cover them all).

One of the breakout sessions was on grief. I attended the session with my friend who has recently lost her children due to premature birth. I was there mainly to support her, but I ended up learning so much and wishing that I had known some of this information before walking with her during her grief. The talk was aimed at the grieving woman, but it gave me such insight into the grieving process and I found I took away a lot of how to walk (or not to walk!) with someone during her grief. I know many of you out there who read this blog are dealing with grief or know someone who is processing the death of a loved one and wish you knew what to say or how to help. I'm going to share the notes I took during the session and my own thoughts on each item and I hope they are helpful to you.

The session was lead by Nancy Guthrie. Nancy has experienced the death of two of her children before they were age one. Hearing her share what she went through, what God taught her, and her desire to share and empathize with women who now share her situation, was sad, touching, encouraging, and beautiful.

The title of her talk was "Seven things it's going to take to get through this"

1) It's going to take some time to be sad

Nancy's nuggets: "Faith doesn't make loss hurt less" and "joy and sadness can coexist"

My thoughts: I so appreciated this statement. I think as Christians, we can put so much pressure on ourselves to "be happy because you belong to the Lord and He loves you" and we can feel as though if we are sinning if we feel sad. God created emotion and sadness is one of those emotions. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus. It's okay to feel sad. When counseling or talking with someone who is grieving, you don't have to feel like you need to cheer them up. Sometimes, they just need someone to sit with them and let them be sad. Pray for them, hug them, love them, and keep a caring eye on them, but let them cry and be sad.

2) It's going to take some time searching the Scriptures

Nancy's nuggets: "We only find comfort in the Bible when we approach it from a big picture perspective". "While grieving, we tend to shout "I am so MAD at God!", but why don't we say, "I am so MAD at sin?"

My thoughts: We all have our "pet" Bible verses that we turn to to make us feel better and remind us that God is there - this is a good thing and I am in no way discouraging this practice. But in tough situations, like dealing with grief, sometimes, those verses just don't seem to help. When you read "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Prov 3:5) while you are bawling your eyes out...to me, the next logical thought could potentially be "oh Lord, but how do I trust when I hurt so much?" Nancy is encouraging the griever to look at Scripture from a 10,000 foot view. Remember what happened in the garden - Adam and Eve sinned. It is because of sin that the world is how it is today. "God is not going to leave this world this broken where there is this much suffering." In fact, God sent His son Jesus to die on a cross for our sins and save us and give us eternal life in Him. When nothing else brings comfort, step back and remember the cross. God is faithful. He is there.

3) It's going to take some forgiving...and more forgiving

Nancy shared how she kept track of who asked about her daughter (and then her son) after they died. And who didn't. She noticed. It is so awkward and difficult to know what to say to someone who is in a horrible situation, such as the loss of a spouse or child. You don't want to upset them any more than they are already upset, you don't want to say the wrong thing...so oftentimes, we say nothing at all. And to the grieving person, that is like rubbing salt in the wound. It's like we are saying "the person you lost isn't important enough to ask about, to talk about"...now of course, that is NOT our intent at all, but to the grieving person who's emotions are on overload, that's exactly how it can come across. So my advice, ask the grieving person right off the bat if they mind you talking about or asking about their loved one, and if they give you the green light, and then ask questions. If they aren't ready to talk yet, let them know that you are waiting for them to tell you, that way they know you care and are ready to listen. I have been amazed to see the happiness, sometimes revealed through tears, of a friend sharing the few memories they have of a child or a spouse. Ask. And as the griever, please forgive us who just don't know what to do, we want to love you, and we must turn to God for Him to show us how. Be patient with us, we do care. Oh, and don't say "I can't imagine what you are going through" - Imagine it. Because that helps you to empathize better. Put yourself in that persons shoes, as painful as it will be. I read this on Noel Piper's blog (she lost her daughter at birth) and I've found it immensely helpful over the past months. Say "I can only imagine what you are going through."

4)It's going to require hard choices

Nancy's nuggets: "Grief keeps you feeling close to the one you have lost. The idea of losing that closeness is scary. So even though you want to heal, you don't". "You have to give grief permission to release its hold. "You don't move on, you move forward." "Make the choice to not be the woman defined by her grief but by her connection to Jesus Christ. "Your love for the person you lost is not defined by ongoing misery"

My thoughts: I don't have much to add here, because this was a valuable insight to me. I had never thought about the comfort grief can bring and I hope it makes me more sensitive. Also, one thing that I've noticed is that a griever just wants to feel "normal" again. And they need to realize that they will never feel their old "normal" again, they have to find a new "normal". I think this aligns with Nancy's "you don't move on, you move forward."

5)It's going to require some telling yourself the truth

Nancy's nuggets: "What do you do with the voices and thoughts in your head? Capture them and confront them - ask, 'is that true?' And if it isn't, start arguing with it. Confront your thoughts"

My thoughts: This applies to grief and other situations we can find ourselves in - our imaginations start running away with us and Satan knows exactly what to whisper to us to make ourselves start doubting that God loves us. This was a Scripture I texted to my friend when she was in the hospital and one that I find myself using almost daily: "We destroy thoughts and every lofty opinion against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ"  - 2 Corinthians 10:5. Satan's whispers of doubt can seem loud, but God's voice is always, ALWAYS louder.

6) It's going to take some reaching out to someone else

Again, this is a point that applies to grief and other situations, such as chronic illness. We can become so wrapped up in our own hurt and grief, that we forget others. So at some point, we need to start reaching out to others, serve someone. Maybe there is another woman who has just lost a child and you know exactly how she feels - go talk to her, bring her family a meal.  Nancy's nugget: "Your pain makes you more sensitive to someone else's pain"

7) It's going to take God Himself filling in the empty places in yourself

Nancy's nuggets: "My grace is sufficient for you..." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. God does not see your emptiness as a problem, He sees it as an opportunity. God does his best work with empty. He fills us with Himself".

My thoughts: Nothing in this world can fill that emptiness that the griever feels - the empty side of the bed, the arms that long to hold the child that is no longer there. God can. God is the ultimate healer. I think that when we hear that statement "God is the ultimate healer" we think that means God can fix everything and make it all better. Yes, God can fix it and He can make it better, but that doesn't mean it's going to change what you went through - it just means that He is going to grow you closer to Him and change your heart to see Him better - to see that He is being glorified through what you are going through, and there are a thousand things going on in the background that you can't see, but He can. So griever, turn to Him, trust in Him, cling to Him when you can't see where to step next. He is faithful.

So there you go. My thoughts are by no means perfect or the end all/be all. I am still learning and growing. I would love to hear what you all have learned by walking through grief or walking with a grieving friend. And I am so thankful for people like Nancy Guthrie, who allow themselves to be used by God to minister to and encourage others. 

Cabinet tweak

The new white ceramic knobs that I put on the cabinet just weren't cutting it - I'd look at them and think "nah, that's just not it". I had wanted some mercury glass knobs, but the square ones that were available at Hobby Lobby were all mismatched sizes. Today, while out shopping, Anthropologie delivered with these awesome mercury glass knobs. I love the difference and they are JUST what I had pictured being on the cabinet...you'd think I would have learned by now to not just settle...apparently, I'm still learning :)

Before and After...

Cabinet complete!!!

I needed a small cabinet in my dining room to house the teasets and teapots I've collected during my travels (and yes, I actually use these!). After much searching on craigslist, this beauty popped up and it was a great deal.

Antique cabinet - sometimes it's a hard decision to paint over such beautiful wood...but...paint can be removed - so bring on the paint!

I sanded and primer-ed it and then found this blue that just makes me smile every time I look at it. It's a really happy blue :)

I used a small round gladware container and dipped it in one of the sample jars of gray paint I have laying around and just stamped it on the back of the cabinet to add a little texture.

I added new knobs and voila! A cabinet just right for holding the teasets and teapots. Here's how it looks in the dining room. I'm really liking the addition and it's a perfect place to display the melted crayon artwork.

Bring on the Benlysta!

I love how perfect God's timing is. This past week was challenging from a pain-perspective. It started on Sunday - I don't know if I took the pain meds too late or what, but they barely made a dent in helping...and I took the full 4 doses over the day. And then the serositis came back...

I don't think I ever blogged an update about this, but the stomach/abdominal pain that I was experiencing throughout most of the spring (and had all those scans done) turned out to be serositis, which is the inflammation of the lining of the heart, lungs, and/or abdomen...and a symptom of lupus. Mine is currently affecting the lining of my abdomen although I have had it affect my lungs (that's called pleurisy and I had it several times in college, so even back then, things were starting to point more to lupus) It's pretty painful and it makes me feel sick to my stomach, which takes away my appetite, and well, the whole vicious weight cycle thing begins. Thankfully, the serositis has subsided for the most part over the past couple of months and the steroids I am on helped me to gain several pounds back. But on Sunday, my stomach started hurting again and it's been that way all week.

On Wednesday, I called the insurance company and they had approved the Benlysta! I called my doctor and they scheduled me for my first infusion on Thursday! I was so excited I couldn't talk to anyone because I knew I would burst into tears from thankfulness - here I was, getting myself ready to handle the serositis again and the nagging suspicion I have that the current dose of pain med isn't enough (my body tends to build a tolerance to medicines very quickly) and God moved all the paperwork through and got me an appointment immediately. Such mercy!

So the way the infusions work is that I go in every other week for six weeks and get a infusion. An infusion means the medicine is administered via IV. After the first six weeks, I get the infusions once a month.

On Thursday, my friend Lisa picked me up and drove me to the doctors (they give you benedryl in case you have an allergic reaction and the benedryl makes you really woozy and unable to drive. Also, they want someone there in case you have a freak response to the drug).

Super excited to have this needle stuck in my arm :)

The infusion took about two hours since for the first one, they administer the Benlysta slowly, in case you have a reaction to it (from now on, it will take about an hour). I was a bit drowsy from the benedryl and had to force myself to focus so I could chat with Lisa, but I had no problems during the infusion. The nurse told me I was the 9th patient in their office to receive Benlysta and all the other patients reported pretty severe flu-like symptoms for 3-5 days after the infusion - severe fatigue, body aches, fever, and nausea. This matched with all the research I had done.

I was feeling okay after the infusion and just took it easy at home. Around 6pm, it suddenly felt like my limbs weighed a thousand pounds and I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so incredibly tired and was shocked by how fast the fatigue came on! I ended up going to bed about a half hour later and woke up several times during the night afraid I was going to vomit, but thankfully, I didn't! I felt pretty decent the next morning (my usual morning "normal", which for me is mild joint pain and mild nausea). I went to work and did just fine. I started getting tired in the afternoon and by evening, was pretty zapped. I woke up this morning after a good night's sleep feeling like I had just pulled an all-nighter and have been dragging all day (despite a healthy caffeine intake :) ), so I can say I am definitely experiencing the Benlysta side effects, but very mildly so - I am so incredibly thankful for that!

So the forward plan is continue with the infusions. After about 3- 4 months, if I start responding to the Benlysta (it can take a couple of months to notice if it is working), we can start weaning me off of my other meds...so for the next few months, I'm going to kinda feel like Chemical Woman - lots of chemicals running through my veins :). I am really hoping that this new drug works for me - it would be amazing to feel like I did three or four years ago when my disease was pretty much in remission. I can barely remember what it felt like to not hurt constantly and to have energy. Such a good reminder for me to not take good health for granted and to do what I can when I feel well. My disease started to destabilize two years ago and it's been a hard and growing journey, one I wouldn't trade because of all that God has taught me.  I know this new med may not solve everything, but I feel like a new chapter has started. 

Training on the horizon?

It's probably too early for this post, but I thought it would be fun to post about something I haven't in a long time.

With the new pain meds, I find myself with more of my usual energy...I didn't realize how tired I was from hurting so much. The pain med takes the edge off- I still hurt, but I am not as aware of it (praise God!). And since the inflammation I experience is not damaging my joints (thankfully!), it's just a matter of dealing with pain, and my doctors have no restrictions on what I physically do (they know I pay close attention to my limits), I decided to go for a run on Monday!

It was nice to pop out of bed at 4:45am ( I know, I am crazy right? :) ), put on my running shoes, and head out. I just took a regular watch with me, not my Garmin, because I didn't want to pay attention to my pace. I just wanted to run. I ran 1.4 miles and I felt good after it. And since I timed my run, it turned out I ran at a 10:00 even pace...not bad for not running since January. My right IT band still caused some problems, so there is gait analysis and some PT in my future when I start increasing mileage.

Then, I went on a bike ride on Saturday. My friend Lisa and I did an easy 25 miles. I did feel this workout...we took a Starbucks break towards the end, which I really needed. Right after the ride, I felt zapped of energy and my left ankle and hips weren't happy, but some lunch and three doses of the pain meds over the day made it tolerable (I'm allowed up to 4 doses a day, so I didn't max out, but I usually only take 2 per day).

And then, I went swimming today. I started a membership at a new pool in hopes of conquering the Big Bad Swim...and figured this would be one exercise that would be more forgiving on the joint inflammation.

Holy-out-of-shape-Melissa Batman.

 I used to be able to swim over a mile...I was gasping for breath and couldn't feel my arms after just 100 yards of freestyle followed by 100 yds of breaststroke. I made myself do 100 yds of pulls without paddles, 50 yds of sidekick drills, another 100 yds of free and 50yds of breaststroke...yup, 500 yds total (hey, engineer here, I like even numbers :) ). I almost landed on my face as I pulled myself out of the pool because my arms were completely DEAD...I seriously had spaghetti limbs and a high heart rate...but I recovered decently (might be the ice cream I ate afterwards ;-) ). I wasn't upset over this, I mean, I honestly can't remember the last time I swam, so I wasn't expecting a Phelps-like performance today. The hips and shoulder joints did hurt a bit afterwards, but seem to have settled now...so probably just doing 300yds for a while will be a good distance for me.

So what did I learn? That I'm definitely not ready for full blown training- exactly what I expected and I am content with that. I just wanted to see where I was physically. I can do small amounts - the run distance was good, the bike was a bit long (or I need to take more breaks), and the swim distance will need to be shortened until fitness improves, but I can start getting some cardio and muscle back, which will be nice. Obviously,  I don't want to rely on the pain meds to "bandaid" everything (they are non-habit forming, just in case anyone was concerned (I was, that was the first question I asked!), and hopefully, and Lord willing, once the insurance approves the new meds, they won't be necessary. But of course, baby steps here - I don't want to stress my body out any more than it already is - I am shooting for the rehabilitating affects of exercise, not the training affects...at least for now :).

So that's my fun "training" post - I hope you weren't anticipating trumpets and fireworks, but I'm glad I was able to do what I did this week. Such a good reminder to be thankful for every step forward, and for learning my limits and my dependency on Him.

Eruption at Volcanoes National Park

Did that get your attention (were you thinking - lava, fire, Melissa had to run for her life, what!?) :) ? No, it wasn't a volcanic eruption, but rather an eruption of memories during the hike my friend Erin and I did at Volcanoes National Park.

First off, I was so thrilled to go to this park. I've been fascinated with volcanoes since I was about 10 years old when I watched a documentary on the eruption of Vesuvius and the destruction of Pompeii. I've read books on the Mount St. Helen's eruption and Krakatoa. I think I seriously could consider being a volcanologist as a second career choice - that's how interesting I find volcanoes.

Anyhow, Erin and I started our trek by doing a 4 mile hike across one of the inactive craters. I enjoy hiking and was so thankful for the new pain medication that was tempering my joint pain sufficiently to where I could do this hike (it was a very low key hike, no crazy steep grades or climbing or anything like that - three doses of the pain meds throughout the day kept me fairly comfy).

When we stopped to eat lunch, I pulled out the peanut butter and jelly sandwich I had made, bit into it, and my eyes flooded with tears. All at once, I remembered my grandparents and how they taught me about hiking. (Most of you will remember that I lost my Grandpa and Grandma last year suddenly, within a week of each other, and I was with my Grandma when she died. And that I had a great relationship with them. I'm still working through the emotions of how much I miss writing to them, getting their letters, and catching up over coffee when I visit Arizona).

My Grandma knew a TON about Arizona plants and wildlife and because she also took several classes in archaeology and participated in digs, she knew a lot about history, geology, etc. So hikes were actually teaching sessions for us grandkids. We learned the names of plants, types of rocks, what plants you could eat, hiking etiquette, the dos and don'ts of going to the bathroom on the trails, drink lots of water and eat oranges, etc. And we always had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch and drank water out of repurposed syrup bottles (gotta love the Depression generation, they reuse EVERYTHING!). So when I bit into that sandwich, an image of a syrup water bottle popped up...and then every single memory I have of them on all the hikes we took as kids and into my adulthood literally flooded my mind and I couldn't see the crater in front of me anymore, only them. And I sat there, sniffling into my sandwich and trying not to burst out sobbing as I was again struck by how much I miss them. 

For the remainder of the hike, I found myself praying and thanking God for the relationship I had with my grandparents, for what they taught me, and actually glad that I missed them - because that means I loved them, and they loved me, and we had a relationship - and I am so very thankful to be able say that.

Volcanoes National Park was my favorite part about my vacation. God used it to heal me a bit more over the loss of my grandparents - what an unexpected blessing!

So thank you Lord, for the opportunity to remember my grandparents in such a good way on my trip and to allow my heart to heal a bit more.

Books

Heart of Iron by Kyle Garlett

Excellent book on Kyle's battle against Hodgkin's lymphoma. The treatments for his cancer damaged his heart and required him to have a heart transplant...and then he decided to do an Ironman. I bought this book awhile ago and when I got to the account of his Ironman race attempts, I actually shouted a bit because I realized I had watched his story unfold during the Ironman coverage over the past two years! It was so neat to read all that he went through and to see his perspective on suffering and battling. I got goosebumps a couple of times when reading his description and examples of the beauty that is found in suffering. A good inspirational read.

This Momentary Marriage by John Piper

My friends gave this as their "party favor" at their wedding. Everyone (or family) in attendance received a copy. This book is amazing. A-mazing. It's about what God intended marriage to be and how couples should walk that out. I highly recommend singles to read this as well because it takes the "rose-colored glasses" romanticized perspective that we can all have about marriage and redefines it in a beautiful, challenging,  and godly way. There are some very encouraging chapters about the single season as well. Highly recommend for married couples and singles.

The Divergent Trilogy by Veronica Roth

 Pretty sure I like this trilogy (or the first two books of it, book three isn't due out until Fall '13) better than The Hunger Games. Crazy right? There are some parallels one could draw between the two trilogies - Brave New World-esque/Dystopian society themes are there - but Roth uses factions instead of districts. There are five factions based on virtues - a faction for bravery, for selflessness, for friendliness, for knowledge, and for honesty. One is born into a faction but at age 16, a test is administered to determine one's propensity for their current faction or another, and they must chose between the two factions - stay with one's family, or leave them forever. Faction before blood. Great writing - the book moves fast. It's a bit...to use a friend's word, "saltier" than the Hunger Games books, so more appropriate, in my mind, for older readers. I'm looking forward to the 3rd book! Good summer reading.

The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer

Yay for free Kindle downloads. This book blew my mind. A.W . Tozer only had a 6th grade education and this book was written in the 1940s, yet all of his examples make it seem like it was written for modern day. Convicting, encouraging, applicable - I could go on and on. Each chapter concludes with Tozer's own prayers, which are beautiful and sincere, and echoed my heart in many chapters. A great tool for regaining focus on what matters, God. Highly recommend.

Forward plan

The day before I left for vacation, I met with the NRD (New Rheumo Doc) and talked the results of my labs. He confirmed that I most definitely have the Sjogren's and Lupus antibodies (I had told him that, but didn't have the latest numbers in front of me). Normal ( i.e not having Sjogren's or Lupus) is less than 1...I have a whopping level 8. He decided that because of such a reading, the lip biopsy wasn't going to be needed. Yay no puffy lips (I really wasn't that concerned, in fact, I was kinda looking forward to posting a goofy picture of me with puffy lips...oh well... :) ).

Then we started talking the forward plan. He mentioned the Benlysta meds and I must have made a face because he chuckled and said "oh that's right, you're the crazy woman who doesn't want to take Benlysta". Yup, he really did call me a crazy woman. :)

After some talking on my part telling him that I wasn't absolutely opposed to it, just the material that I had read was scary, he gave me some additional information on expected side affects, results, etc. And I discovered that I can't get approved for the other med that was on our earlier table of options, since my antibodies are Sjogren's/Lupus and the other med is only approved for R.A. (rheumatoid arthritis). Since I meet the required number of factors/symptoms to be diagnosed lupus, NRD officially coded me as SLE (systemic lupus erythematosus) with secondary Sjogren's. ::gulp::. And I agreed to give Benelysta a try. ::bigger gulp::

I spoke with my Current Rheumo Doc (CRD) while I was on vacation and they confirmed that they could administer Benlysta in their offices (Benlysta is given via IV). They are currently working the insurance stuff out, and as long as all of that clears, my first infusion will be on June 13th!

In addition to that forward plan, NRD had me try a new pain med and it works well!!! The pain isn't gone, but it is dulled sufficiently so that I feel like my brain is getting a break from dealing with the pain. It is amazing how much fighting pain exhausts you. And cheer-worthy aspect about this med is that it is NOT a narcotic, which means I can take it during the day (if needed) and not be all loopy/dizzy/non-functioning. Huge huge huge praise on finding something that is working until the new med can be administered and kick in.

So that's the forward plan. We'll see how it goes. Even if it doesn't pan out the way I hope it does, I know that God is still working through all of this and all that matters is that all of this is part of HIS plan.

Ligonier Conference recap

Ack - this is major blog catch-up.

At the beginning of May I went to the Ligonier Regional Conference here in Houston. The topic was "One Passion" and through several sermons, the speakers, Sinclair Ferguson and Steve Lawson, spoke about having one passion for God and how that looks in different areas: worship,  the Bible, work, and witnessing. The end of the conference concluded with an question/answer session with R.C. Sproul who video-teleconed in from Florida. Excellent teaching!!! It was the first time I had heard Steve Lawson speak and I enjoyed how he taught. So thankful for opportunities like this to spend a day and a half soaking up the wisdom these men have gained from their years of studying God's word.

Here were the highlights for me from each sermon:

One Passion in Worship

Hebrews 10:19-25

This text was written to new Christians who were used to an Old Testament form of worship (with robes, ceremonies, specific rules that had to be followed, etc), to show them and encourage them that their worship was now a first-hand experience, because of the presence of Jesus Christ. It is the presence of Jesus Christ that should drive a person to worship. Before Christ, worship was second hand, done through the priests. Now, "and since we have a great high priest" - that is, Jesus Christ, our worship is firsthand, and perfected by Christ, since Christ is in us.

"Singing praises to God is very often where we learn to think about God" - S.F.

One Passion in the Word


Psalm 119:161-168

The word "enthusiasm" - is Greek, en-theos - In God... wow, word-geek (me :) ) mind-blown. Those of us in God should be marked by our enthusiasm for God's word.

Marks of Spiritual Passion:
- Reverential awe - having a healthy, holy fear of the Lord - to take His word seriously
- Rejoicing - As believers, the joy that we have is the same joy that is in/was in Jesus Christ. The word of God should thrill our soul.
- Radiant love - It's a very good sign in your spiritual life if you can say you LOVE God's word
- Passion for God's word- circumstances should not change your praise of God. The deeper you go into the word, the more and higher you will praise God
- Real peace - our hearts are made to respond to God's word. Peace is not a destination, it is a by-product - only believers experience peace.

One Passion in Work


Titus 1:11-14

We need to be zealous in our works, you cannot compartmentalize good works, thus, whatever we do, we need to do it with zeal and passion, wholeheartedly. We were saved from lawless deeds in order to perform good deeds. There will always be consistency between the heart and deeds (Titus 1:16). As long as we are alive, there is work that we are supposed to be doing; when that work is complete, God will call us home. Good deeds/works are everything that God calls us to do within His will. Questions to ask yourself: are you born again? If so, are you doing good works? If so, are you doing them with zeal?

One Passion in Witnessing


Romans 1:14-17

If you have a passion for God, then you will have a passion for the gospel and then you will have a passion for sharing the gospel.

We are under obligation to give what we have been given (share the news of the gospel), we should be eager to share the gospel, and we should not be ashamed to share the gospel.

Quiet and still

I seem to be full of contradictory thoughts lately when it comes to this trial that I have been walking. I had a few really rough days this past week - Wednesday evening had me unable to sleep and up at midnight furiously journaling to try and reason out why I am going through this - I love to write and I tend to write out my prayers a lot. If you've talked to me, you know I talk quickly and can bounce around from topic to topic - so just imagine what goes on inside my head sometimes... it's factors worse, trust me :). Here's an excerpt from that particularly difficult, and ultimately growing, night:

 "I know you (God) have a plan and purpose and that I need to rely on you completely...and I feel that I do, by Your grace, so why I am still in this trial? Why do I still hurt? I just don't know how else I can grow through this. I've been here for so long, what more can you teach me? And yet, I am grateful Lord, I complain, yet I know you are there, I give up, but you continue to sustain me. Oh how do I keep going back and forth like this!?"

Ha, I read that and tears come to my eyes as I am overwhelmed by how God continually turns my eyes to Him, even when I fight it, even when I don't want to look, when I want to close my eyes and make everything go away - He makes me look at Him and marvel at the work He is doing in my stubborn heart - He opens my eyes to the small, beautiful things of every day life, continually works at stripping my heart of it's layers of ugliness so that He can replace it with His beauty.

I find myself more hungry for His word and wanting to know His character more. If this trial is bringing about all this, then why in the world would I want it to go away!? And yet...I do. Oh the contradictory nature of my thoughts sometimes! I am thankful for a God who was also Man and understands the turmoil of my thoughts and heart. I am thankful for His mercy and His patience to let me blather on and still continue to prod me along His path - I wish I traveled it with feet "a trippin' merrily" but, I don't...not always. Oh the fuss I can make sometimes!

A friend sent me an email on Monday with an article that had this verse in it: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." - Isaiah 26:3-4. I did a pretty long study on Isaiah awhile ago, and I don't remember that verse. But Wednesday night, God used it much during my journaling chaos to still my mind and my heart and to focus on Him. To find my joy in Him. To remind me that my stability is on my Rock, not on the current state of my health.

On Friday, I must have timed my meds wrong, because I yakked my guts up through the morning as my girlfriends and I made our way up to Austin for a fun overnight trip. I sat in the car, desperately willing my stomach to settle and for the waves of nausea to pass, and lamenting that I might have to stay in bed the entire trip. Later that evening (with my stomach thankfully settled!)  a friend sent an email to me that spoke so clearly to the thoughts I was having during the car ride. She sent me a verse that had recently ministered to her: "Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind" Ecclesiastes 4:6.

Rather than being consumed by thoughts of what else to do with my disease, and frustrated with not being able to do things because I don't feel well, and, during the car ride to Austin, fiercely fighting against yakking my guts up more thanks to my meds, to just sit quietly, to accept what is going on, to know that He is at work and working everything out for my good and His glory, and to just stop fighting the path He has me on, to travel it quietly, with ears and heart open to what He wants me to learn. To be content and joyful in my trial. I can't tell you how many times I feel like I have learned how to do that, only to be right back at the beginning learning that lesson from a different perspective, deepening my understanding of what it means to be content and joyful.

So that's my focus - to be more quiet and still. To stop fighting against what I trust, and want to trust more and more, is God's way of working out His best for me.

I am not walking this trial alone. The two examples above of how God used friends to encourage me and remind of His presence are just the tip of the iceberg of the work He is doing in the background. I am so humbled and amazed by how much my God loves me.

Pseudo House Crashing

One of my favorite DIY blogs to read is Young House Love and they do this thing called "House Crashing" where they visit someone's house and post pictures of how awesome it is.

I didn't go through and take pictures of every room in these houses, hence this is only a pseudo house crashing, but two of my gracious friends allowed me to take pictures of certain aspects of their home that I will use for inspiration/ideas.

I took this one because I am seriously considering having my cabinets painted and the counter/backsplash colors in my friend Elizabeth's house match my kitchen closely, so I thought this gave a good feel for what white cabinets would look like in my kitchen.

These are from my friend Leslie's house. Her house is amazing. Mid-century and vintage. Love the colors. Love the exposed brick. Just love this house...and the friends who live it in, of course :)

Unexpected Second Opinion

I had a regular appointment with my rheumo doc today. I sat there and, well, cried, and told him awful I felt and he looked at my swollen and purple feet and walked out of the room and made a phone call.

An hour and a half later, I was sitting in the office of another of Houston's top rheumo doc's (mine is on that list too) at the University of Texas Frank C. Arnett Center for Immunobiology and Autoimmunity (it's a mouthful). I wasn't supposed to get in until May 17th and then with one of the newer docs. The doc I was sitting across from is their top guy- like doesn't take new patients kind of guy. We went through my history and he asked a lot of questions and told me a lot about his research (he was one of the first guys to   map out Sjogren antibodies). An hour and a half later (seriously, what an awesome doctor to spend that much time with one patient!) he looks at me and says "well, it's more than Sjogren's". This didn't make me roll my eyes like you might think, I mean sure, part of me wanted to say "um, DUH", but the other part was very relieved that it was looking like he was thinking along the same lines as My Rheumo Doc. And he was. He started walking me through his thought process.

See, the tricky thing is, my official diagnosis is Sjogren's Syndrome with secondary Reynaud's disease. But the symptoms that are causing me the most problems aren't Sjogren's, they are lupus and other autoimmune disease symptoms. The medications I am on treat all of these diseases, but they aren't working for me. The other medication options available are only approved for lupus or R.A.

New Rheumo Doc says the following "you either have Sjogren's PLUS something else that hasn't presented enough for us to diagnosis or you have, what I really think is,  Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease (UCTD)/clinical lupus (this means I have the symptoms, but not the lupus antibodies) and secondary Sjogren's, if we had to put a name to it. Changing the name doesn't change how we tackle the problem, but it does change the options available to us." I was actually first diagnosed with UCTD when I first had problems (they called it Mixed Connective Tissue Disease back then, that term isn't used anymore to describe the things I have wrong with me), and then my Sjogren's antibodies became so prominent that they officially changed it to Sjogren's.

So, anyhow, enough with the complicated disease names. The forward plan is more blood work tomorrow and a lip biopsy in the next week or two. Apparently, the lip is the best resource for determining your body's inflammation levels. So if I look like I got collagen injections in my lip in the next week, I assure you, I didn't :). Whether or not the biopsy is positive doesn't really change things, but if it is positive, it just gives more rationale for why I need to be on the new meds.

After that, we'll talk medication options. New Rhemuo Doc  (referred to as "NRD" below - yes, I work at NASA and I like acronyms) and I had a very lively conversation about medications. Something like this:

Me: My Rheumo Doc and I talked about Rituximab.
NRD: Yes, that's a good option, I was also thinking about Belimumab.
Me: That's another name for Benlysta right? (Benlysta is the scary drug I don't want to take)
NRD: Yes
Me: Not happening.
NRD: You'd rather take Rituximab than Benlysta?
Me: Dude, have you seen the reports on Benlysta's side affects!? (yes, I actually called him dude)
NRD: I would rather be tied to a train rail and run over by a train before taking Rituximab over Benlysta (that may not have been his EXACT example, but there was tying and pain involved). Rituximab has a lot more side affects that Benlysta, especially during the infusion process.
Me: But Benlysta seems to work for only about 0.35% of patients who take it
NRD: Well, yes that's true.
Me: (I just stared at him)
NRD: Well, I was just talking the side affects, not how well it works.

Oh NRD, you are funny. But that was good info he gave me about the Rituximab - I wasn't aware and will have to consider that.

Anyhow, we'll cross the medication bridge when we come to it. The good news is I walked out of My Rhemuo Doc's office with a purse full of a new pain med to try since the Vicadin isn't helping (yeah, bad sign when narcotics don't cut it. I hate narcotics. I mean, I am thankful they exist to help people in pain, but I don't like putting them into my body). So here's hoping the pain management goes better during the next few weeks while New Rhemuo Doc and My Rheumo Doc chat.

As for the Mayo Clinic, I am tabling that after New Rheumo Doc confirmed the research I have been doing that Mayo doesn't have a strong Rheumatology area (they are AMAZING in other areas). It also turns out that the top Sjogren's research center in the US is in Oklahoma (yay for something closer than Minnesota). If needed, they can send me there for more opinions. Or to Johns Hopkins or Harvard, who both have very strong rheumatological research institutions. Good to know I have some impressive options available.

I am so incredibly thankful how God moved and allowed me to get in sooner to get a second opinion. I had prayed just this morning for My Rheumo Doc and I to have wisdom about what to do next and thanked God for the knowledge of medicine and that we would apply it appropriately. God doesn't always answer prayers immediately, but today He did, and He knew He was going to even before I knew what to pray this morning. That's how awesome my God is. Thank you Lord.

Ode to Chard

To be honest, before I tried this recipe, the only swiss chard I have eaten was in the Sweet Potato and Swiss Chard Enchiladas at Taco Milagro (they are delicious, in case you were wondering).


This is another Pinterest recipe and I really like the mix of flavors - the chard has a very "green" earthy taste, the sherry wine/apple cider vinegar combo I used brought out the sweetness of both the onions and the raisins. Top that off with walnut-nutiness and I will definitely be rotating this in as a good green dish.

Melissa's tweaks: couldn't find sherry vinegar (a quick google whilst in the grocery store revealed that it is hard to find and expensive - folks recommended a mix of cooking wine and apple cider vinegar) so I used 1T of sherry cooking wine and 1T of apple cider vinegar. And I only used one bunch of red swiss chard and it was good for just one serving (the recipe says it is 8 servings...they must of used REALLY big bunches of chard...or didn't eat the heaping plate full that I did ;-) ). Well, my plate wasn't really heaping, see in the picture? So whatever, just keep that in mind when planning for a group of people. Also, note in the "Method" section, you heat a large pot. Yes, just the pot. Not the pot with water in it. Just the pot. Thankfully, I caught this before I complete boiled the pot of water.

Swiss chard with walnuts (recipe from Whole Foods)

Ingredients

1/2 cup raisins 
2 tablespoons sherry vinegar 
2 bunches Swiss chard, preferably rainbow, stems removed, leaves sliced 
1 red onion, sliced 
1/4 teaspoon sea salt 
1/4 cup walnuts, toasted and chopped

Method

Put raisins and vinegar in a small bowl with 1/4 cup boiling water. Set aside to let soak 10 minutes. 

Heat a large pot over medium-high heat. Drain and reserve raisins; add liquid to the pot. Add chard a few handfuls at a time, stirring and letting the chard cook down until all of it fits in the pot. Add onion and salt, lower heat to medium, cover and cook until onion and chard are tender, 10 to 12 minutes. Stir in raisins and cook 1 minute longer. Top with walnuts and serve.

Spring Cleaning Status

I know you all have just been on pins and needles to see how my spring cleaning went ;-). Two and a half weeks ago, I posted a list of spring cleaning items I wanted to accomplish by the end of April. I didn't get everything done - some of the items will get done tomorrow (windows and baseboards) but considering how I have been feeling lately, I'm pretty happy with what I was able to accomplish! I know that in the grand scheme of things, being able to accomplish household tasks probably isn't all that amazing, but I am thankful that God allowed me to do them, because I want to be a good steward of what He has blessed me with.

Spring Cleaning chores for the month of April:

Inside:

Wipe down cupboards and doors
Wipe down all light switches and door knobs
Wipe baseboards
Wipe down all blinds
Dust ceiling fans
Clean out/wipe down refrigerator and freezer
Use stainless steel cleaner on outside of refrigerator
Clean inside/outside of microwave-
Clean dishwasher - thanks Claire!
Go through cupboards and toss old spices/tea/etc
Wipe down pantry shelves and sweep inside of pantry
Move DVD shelves and remove all spiderwebs
Wash all windows (inside and outside) – all the ones that are easily accessible
Wash front glass door

Pull out refrigerator and stove and clean behind them

Outside:

Clean up deck outside – throw away dead plants/pots
Trim outside bushes
Trim trees out front
Trim gardenia bush on the side of the house
Powerwash driveway
Powerwash deck

I also added cleaning and organizing my closet and my nightstand drawers (catch all for...everything) and I got both of those done as well!

The remaining items I hope to have complete in the next couple of weeks and then my Spring Cleaning will officially be complete!

Eat-the-entire-pan enchiladas

Another win for Pinterest:

Roasted Vegetable Enchiladas and I really wanted to eat the entire pan. Really. These are THAT good.

I think the secret is that you roast the veggies before baking the enchiladas. Great flavor with just cumin, salt, and pepper for seasoning

A food photographer I will never be - but you get the point between the plate and the pan - layers of veggie goodness.

Recipe:

Melissa's tweaks:

I only used 1T of grapeseed oil to toss the veggies in before roasting. The recipe calls for 3T, which honestly is overkill - 1T does the job just fine and cuts out 24o extra calories for the dish overall. Instead of baby spinach, I had some spring mix greens that were nearing their wilting date, so I just tossed those in. I only used 1 red bell pepper because I try to stay away from them (they are an "inflammatory vegetable"). I significantly reduced the amount of cheese (sorry, I didn't measure) and I nixed the sour cream. So all in all, this is a good healthy recipe with lots of different colored vegetables. The more color, the better! And, it happens to be gluten free too :)

from www.perrysplate.com

Stacked Roasted Vegetable Enchiladas

ingredients:

1 poblano chile, cut into matchsticks
2 red bell peppers, cut into matchsticks
1/2 head of cauliflower, cut into 1/2-inch chunks
1 small sweet potato, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch cubes (about 1 1/2 cups)
1 medium onion, halved and slivered
1 cup corn kernels, fresh or frozen
3 T heat-safe oil like grapeseed or coconut
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
2 garlic cloves, minced
salt and black pepper
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
2 cups homemade or store bought salsa/pico de gallo
2 ounces baby spinach leaves (about 2 big handfuls)
9-10 corn tortillas, halved (try making homemade tortillas!)
2 cups shredded cheese (I used a cheddar-Monterey Jack blend)
sour cream and thinly sliced scallions (green onions) for garnish, if desired

directions:

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Lightly oil a large shallow roasting pan or rimmed cookie sheet.

Place poblanos, red bell peppers, cauliflower, sweet potato, onion, and corn kernels onto cookie sheet. Drizzle olive oil and sprinkle the cumin and minced garlic over top. Add a generous pinch or two of salt and black pepper, then use your hands to mix everything together. After everything is coated well, spread the vegetables evenly in the pan. Roast for 30-40 minutes until vegetables are tender and begin to brown in spots. Stir or shake the pan every 10 minutes for even roasting. Remove pan from oven and reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees F.

Prepare an 8x8x2 or 9x9x2-inch square baking pan with nonstick spray. In a small bowl, stir the cilantro into the salsa. Spread 1/4 cup of salsa into the bottom of the baking pan. Add a layer of tortilla pieces, to completely cover the salsa. Top with 1/3 of the vegetables, a handful of spinach, and 1/3 of the cheese. Make a second layer of tortilla, salsa, vegetables, spinach, and cheese. Top with with a layer of tortillas, salsa, vegetables, and cheese. Cover with aluminum foil.

Bake for 20 minutes. Remove the foil and bake another 10 minutes, until cheese is melted and everything is heated through.

Let it sit for 5 minutes and cut into squares. Serve with sour cream and a sprinkle of sliced scallions.

Serves 4-5

Amazing Chocolate Muffins

Photo courtesy of www.dashingdish.com

I have to blog this recipe, 'cause these muffins are awesome. It's a recipe I pinned from Pinterest. My friend Lisa made them first and I just tried my hand at them and they are incredibly tasty and healthy to boot.

I made mine gluten free by using gluten free oats (gf oat and oats are the same thing, it's just the gf oats aren't processed on equipment that also processes wheat, so using gf doesn't change the taste). I used Stevia (in lieu of Splenda) and accidentally reduced the amount (learn how to read Melissa!), I used Greek yogurt, and I also left out the chocolate chips.

I will say, they are even more amazing with the chocolate chips (like the kind Lisa made) but I was going for "little sugar as possible, something more appropriate for breakfast". I can't wait to experiment with this recipe and maybe add some nuts or flax seed. I had the roomie try them and while she thought they were good, they were too chocolately for her (she doesn't like chocolate cake things - I know, :gasp: right?). These are a very rich chocolate - perfect with a glass of skim milk to keep the whole healthy thing going :)

The website that has this recipe says that the muffins are about 58 calories apiece. I did my own calculations and got about 80 calories...eh, it's close.

Here you go! Enjoy!

Triple Chocolate Chunk Muffin

(recipe from www.dashingdish.com)

Ingredients:

• 1 3/4 c oats
• 3 egg whites
• 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
• 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup plain Greek yogurt (or regular plain low fat yogurt)
• 1/2 tsp cream of tartar (or 1-1/2 Tbsp. vinegar)
• 1-1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1-1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1 cup hot water
• 1 cup sugar substitute (like Splenda granular) OR 1/4 cup + 2 tbs stevia
• 1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (or use white chocolate or peanut butter chips!)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 2 (12-cup) muffin pans with foil cupcake liners, or spray muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray. Set aside.
In a blender, (or food processor), mix all of the ingredients together, except for the chocolate chips. Blend until oats are ground and mixture is smooth.
Place mixture in a bowl and gently stir in 1/2 of the chocolate chips (set the rest aside). Scoop mixture into prepared muffin pans.
Place muffins tins in the oven for 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, remove muffins from the oven (but don’t shut oven off), and distribute the other half of the chocolate chips on top of each muffin.
Place the muffins back into the oven and bake for an additional 2-5 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. *Note, you could skip this step by putting all of the chips in the batter, and baking the muffins for 12-15 min straight, but this method gives the muffins the traditional ‘VitaTop Muffin’ look with the chocolate chips on top!
Cool muffins before removing from pan. ENJOY!!!
Servings: 12 Big Muffins or 24 Smaller Muffins

Spring Cleaning!

Okay, so maybe "Spring" is pushing it a little bit...after all, it is just about mid-April, which usually means summer for all the places I've ever lived, but considering the temperature is in the 80s and there's little humidity...well, I'm calling that Spring. And with Spring, comes Spring Cleaning! I've never done Spring cleaning. Ever. I've been seeing posts on Facebook about Spring cleaning and so I decided to make a list too. And my awesome roomie has offered to help out some too. Now, since I am pretty limited right now in what I can physically accomplish since my joints are hurting so much, my goal is to complete my list by the end of April, so that gives me about 2.5 weeks...I think that's pretty decent, especially considering I am probably going to just pay the neighbor kid to take care of a few things (like power-washing the driveway and deck).

I'm not going to blog all the tasks (because, really, who wants to see what's under/behind a refrigerator that hasn't been moved in two years? Ick). But I figured I'd at least post the Spring Cleaning Kick-off Tasks!

Spring cleaning list tacked up next to the standard chore list (yes, my roomie and I keep a calendar of chores- both of us are super busy, so this house could get really messy if we aren't organized!). I even broke the list into Inside and Outside chores-hey, at least I didn't use a spreadsheet...it was tempting though ;-) ).

1) Trim gardenia bush

Gardenia plants have always hated me. I bought no less than 3 plants while living at my apartment and all of them died. I tweaked water, sunlight, and food. Didn't help. They just died. So I was thrilled to discover when I first moved in that a MASSIVE gardenia bush (it's really tree-like, meaning, I hope it is here to stay!) grows just outside one of my kitchen windows. The branches literally bend to the ground under the weight of the amazingly fragrant blossoms. But...it was getting a bit out of control. So time to trim.

Thankfully, I purchased a branch trimmer a long time ago that was approved by the American Arthritis Foundation, which means that people with ouch joints can actually use this tool and not have to apply too much pressure to trim a branch. So I trimmed. It didn't need a lot, so it only took about 15 minutes (crazy how long one can put off a 15 minute task :) ). And then I cut some of the blooms to Springify my kitchen :)

See the branches piled outside? My wrists wouldn't handle the bagging of them today, but I can do that tomorrow. And just 3 of these gardenia blooms make the kitchen smell AMAZING!!!

2) Clean out spice/tea/baking stuff cupboard

A hodgepodge of expired teas and spices, all cluttered together

Decluttered, shelves cleaned, and better organized. I could probably get some cute storage boxes to make it look even more organized...hmm...

Spring Cleaning is off to a successful start!